New therapist making me unable to cop with HwuBPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

While I’m happy to be on a slow, careful journey to leaving my HwuBPD, I find I’m almost unable to remain  under the same roof with him now.  It’s getting much harder to cope.  My new therapist has lit a fire under me, and I’m eager to flee. Still, I have no one and no where to run to. 

I’m not prepared to run yet. First and foremost,   I need legal advice. I need to save more money.  I need to plan an escape.  I may also need to plan an intervention.  I’m researching all of the above, which is progress. I even think I may have found the right divorce lawyer.   There was a time when I thought moving out was unattainable. Now, I realize I need to do whatever I have to do to get out, but SAFELY. 

Still, if my therapist continues to fuels this engine, I fear I may lose it and blow up in anger at home, because I’m just that sick and tired of him.  I’m just that angry now. He has no right to try to diminish me and hurt me at every turn. 

This is really tough.  I guess I’ll get through it.  I’ve been a master at stifling myself at home, so I guess I have to tie the gag even tighter. need to execute my plan, but tamp down my emotions.  It’s not easy. 

I also find I’m more depressed lately, because I’m more acutely aware of how I can almost NEVER be myself, in my own home. 

Thank you for letting me vent.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

While I’m happy to be on a slow, careful journey to leaving my HwuBPD, I find I’m almost unable to remain  under the same roof with him now.  It’s getting much harder to cope.  My new therapist has lit a fire under me, and I’m eager to flee. Still, I have no one and no where to run to. 

I’m not prepared to run yet. First and foremost,   I need legal advice. I need to save more money.  I need to plan an escape.  I may also need to plan an intervention.  I’m researching all of the above, which is progress. I even think I may have found the right divorce lawyer.   There was a time when I thought moving out was unattainable. Now, I realize I need to do whatever I have to do to get out, but SAFELY. 

Still, if my therapist continues to fuels this engine, I fear I may lose it and blow up in anger at home, because I’m just that sick and tired of him.  I’m just that angry now. He has no right to try to diminish me and hurt me at every turn. 

This is really tough.  I guess I’ll get through it.  I’ve been a master at stifling myself at home, so I guess I have to tie the gag even tighter. need to execute my plan, but tamp down my emotions.  It’s not easy. 

I also find I’m more depressed lately, because I’m more acutely aware of how I can almost NEVER be myself, in my own home. 

Thank you for letting me vent.

Jazz

[At Bay]

I'm glad to hear you have a plan in place for a calmer life that you can enjoy. I know what you mean about making a decision and having less tolerance for the outrageous things we hear.

Many times I've seen on this site that when there is an obvious exit plan, suddenly you'll hear promises by the spouse or partner to make things better. As unlikely as that feels today, it is something to consider. One woman here, married to a man legally blind, and who tried to kick her down the stairs, was asked for sympathy from her. True, other times he made threats that stopped when he realized she'd call 911. He even hid her car keys, and the police looked through his dresser drawers to help find them-- then stood by for her, so that the drama was denied.

Myself, I'm not in a position to leave due to health problems and being elderly, but I still have to manage what is happening between us, and at times I think what I'm hearing is so stupid that I'm tempted to give him the scene he seems to want. I go take a shower at night while he watches late news to end the evening to myself like that. Or, I say I've not slept well and need to lay down. Having a library nearby helps, and I've begun reading biographies or autobiographies. When we're stressed, concentrating is hard just as you described, so I can't follow a novel. Will he leave you alone to read and "finish a chapter."

I've noticed that changing the subject actually works if it gives him attention: How's your brother doing? Ask what he needs from some online storefront. Distraction from causing more trouble is what I've seen work well.  When I used to be able to get out more, and before he snapped at me at the grocery store in front of people, I'd find an excuse to walk across the store for a break from him. Now, I just don't go and offer to order online. He picks up or goes alone which he says he likes. Days spent in that environment are a test of endurance, so pat yourself on the back for the small victories. 

Lately, my escape has been to look like I'm working on creating an album of my recipes. Drag a bunch of things out of someplace to work on. I've let it run into the middle of the night and slept half the next day. He told me he was lonely.

I share nothing with him about any subject, and he seems not to notice that. That, or I'm intentionally vague about something he tries to bring up to start something. He even pointed out the insult to me in the event I missed lt. You have steps in mind to change all that, and you have help from a professional which sounds so good.

[Pook075]

I also find I’m more depressed lately, because I’m more acutely aware of how I can almost NEVER be myself, in my own home. 

We all want to plan out the perfect time for things- when the money, resources, willpower, and outside factors all align perfectly to get us exactly what we want.  But how many times does it actually play out exactly like we've planned?  For me, it's never happened.

I can tell you why you're miserable at home- you're living a lie and walking on eggshells because of it.  Find your voice and create actual boundaries.  He'll listen or he won't, but at least you won't be pretending anymore.

Be yourself!  It's exhausting being someone else.

Maybe things do escalate and everything you planned goes out the window.  Is that such a terrible thing though?  By speaking out and standing your ground, you're regaining your sanity.  Maybe you leave; maybe he leaves.  Maybe other options appear.  My point here is to take action, to set things in motion without fear.  The worst that can happen is you getting exactly what you want- a divorce.

[JazzSinger]

Many times I've seen on this site that when there is an obvious exit plan, suddenly you'll hear promises by the spouse or partner to make things better.

Myself, I'm not in a position to leave due to health problems and being elderly, but I still have to manage what is happening between us, and at times I think what I'm hearing is so stupid that I'm tempted to give him the scene he seems to want. I go take a shower at night while he watches late news to end the evening to myself like that. Or, I say I've not slept well and need to lay down. Having a library nearby helps, and I've begun reading biographies or autobiographies. When we're stressed, concentrating is hard just as you described, so I can't follow a novel. Will he leave you alone to read and "finish a chapter."

I've noticed that changing the subject actually works if it gives him attention: How's your brother doing? Ask what he needs from some online storefront. Distraction from causing more trouble is what I've seen work well.  When I used to be able to get out more, and before he snapped at me at the grocery store in front of people, I'd find an excuse to walk across the store for a break from him. Now, I just don't go and offer to order online. He picks up or goes alone which he says he likes. Days spent in that environment are a test of endurance, so pat yourself on the back for the small victories. 

Hi At Bay,

Thanks so much for sharing. My situation is quite similar to yours. 

I too am elderly. I’m also somewhat dependent on his income, so leaving will be a monumental challenge.

First off, it’s strange that just like the example you gave, since I’ve started being almost obsessed with leaving, I’ve noticed a change in him. He’s not as harsh or critical. It’s amazing, since I haven’t uttered a word about my plans. I guess it’s something in my attitude and/or body language. 

I often change the subject when he’s being impossible. I sometimes get up and go to another room, claiming I forgot to do whatever, and I’ll be right back.  Usually, when I return, he has calmed down. 

Sometimes I’m able to lose myself in a Netflix movie.  (I usually watch on my IPad, with earbuds.)  Still, he does interrupt at times, just like a toddler who needs mommy’s attention.  But sometimes it works.

Last week the momentum to get out was overwhelming. But I’ve calmed down.  It’s a marathon, not a sprint.  It requires slow, methodical planning.  One day at a time.  And I must get better at coping, regardless.  Because what if I can’t pull this off? And what if it takes two years (which is highly likely). 

One day at a time.

Thanks so much for sharing. You helped a lot.

Jazz.

[JazzSinger]

We all want to plan out the perfect time for things- when the money, resources, willpower, and outside factors all align perfectly to get us exactly what we want.  But how many times does it actually play out exactly like we've planned?  For me, it's never happened.

I can tell you why you're miserable at home- you're living a lie and walking on eggshells because of it.  Find your voice and create actual boundaries.  He'll listen or he won't, but at least you won't be pretending anymore.

Be yourself!  It's exhausting being someone else.

Maybe things do escalate and everything you planned goes out the window.  Is that such a terrible thing though?  By speaking out and standing your ground, you're regaining your sanity.  Maybe you leave; maybe he leaves.  Maybe other options appear.  My point here is to take action, to set things in motion without fear.  The worst that can happen is you getting exactly what you want- a divorce.

Pook,

Everything you’ve written here is helpful and empowering!

Indeed, I’ve been hoping for the perfect time, the perfect financial positioning, etc.  Of course, that’s not reality.  I have to remember that.

It’s funny that you said I need to find my own voice and create boundaries.  Just this morning, I decided I will cook a meal on my own stove!  Sounds weird, but he’s a wonderful cook, and he dominates the kitchen.  We decided early on in our marriage that he’d do the bulk of the cooking. The last  time I cooked something was years ago. He criticized me so heavily, and with such cruelty , that I never cooked again, except when he was too sick to do it.  So I’m claiming my power, and I’m expanding. I will not let him keep me in a box, for as long as I live.

I also accept the fact that maybe I will accomplish my goal of leaving, and maybe I won’t.  I’m elderly.  If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I have the energy to do it.  And that’s ok.

Also, other options are suddenly bubbling up.  Maybe there’s a way he could leave.  I don’t know what the future will bring. But I do know I must enjoy my life, regardless.

Thanks so much!

Jazz

[awakened23]

Jazz, What I have noticed in myself is if I make up my mind about leaving it becomes a stress in itself by thinking about the how and when every waking moment. creates some sort of mental pressure within me about an impending moment. Instead it is useful to think of this as an aspirational dream like a dream job or vacation, it may happen at the right time when things come together sometime in future maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, next year or later. What I can do meanwhile is take baby steps whenever I can that will help towards achieving it. This way I don't give up on my dream but there is no absoluteness about it either. Hope this helps.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Often I feel that I don't think like most other people, but here goes.  For me, when it comes to big decisions, I think the hard part is deciding what to do.  I'm talking about decisions like moving (maybe to another state or country), quitting a good job, starting a business, getting married, or, in this case, getting a divorce (full disclosure--I've never considered divorce).  But once I decide, I move into execution mode.  The anxiety and worry quickly give way to a clear vision, plus a to-do list.  When I'm in execution mode, I tend not to worry very much, and I focus on my long-term goal, as well as the daily tasks at hand.  Maybe my to-do list is a really long one, and it's stressful for sure, and maybe it takes me more than a year or two to execute.  But once I fixate on a goal, I'm generally pretty good at seeing it through, because I know that the rewards are waiting for me at the other end.  Sure, there's some compromise, and there's some stress, but I can plan for that.  Many times the people around me won't be supportive, because they just don't understand.  But you know what?  I don't care that much, because it's my life, and I'm responsible for making it work.  I guess that I'm confident (some might say cocky . . .), because I know that when I feel overwhelmed, I understand that the feeling is only temporary.  I also know how to break a big problem into multiple smaller tasks.  I know how to be patient, too.  Sometimes I'll say, all I have to do is this one task today, and I'll be one step closer to my goal.  Before long, I've made real progress, and I'll say to myself, I can't believe I was on the fence about this for so long.  Uncertainty?  Maybe.  Arguments?  Definitely.  But I am my own master, not a slave to someone else who's being uncooperative or belligerent.  They can go and complain and bully and fret till the cows come home, that's their choice.  My choice is to make a life that's meaningful, purposeful, happy.  Maybe not comfortable every day, but worth it.  Because I deserve that and you do too.  I guess my message is, the hard part is envisioning yourself in the life that you want.  But once you visualize it, you've basically become that new person . . . and all you have to do now is to make it happen.

Look, with controlling husbands, they have a knack for beating you down emotionally so that you start to feel helpless.  They demand all your resources (emotional, financial, temporal, physical, logistical), and it's easy to feel . . . . depleted and eroded.  The prospect of doing something different thus seems overwhelming.  And that might be why he's so controlling in the first place, because he doesn't want you to do anything for yourself?  He's bullying you into renouncing yourself.  He's making you alienated from friends, yourself, your life, your goals.  Does that make sense?

[JazzSinger]

Jazz, What I have noticed in myself is if I make up my mind about leaving it becomes a stress in itself by thinking about the how and when every waking moment. creates some sort of mental pressure within me about an impending moment. Instead it is useful to think of this as an aspirational dream like a dream job or vacation, it may happen at the right time when things come together sometime in future maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, next year or later. What I can do meanwhile is take baby steps whenever I can that will help towards achieving it. This way I don't give up on my dream but there is no absoluteness about it either. Hope this helps.

Thanks so much, Awakened23.

I’m taking baby steps, so I don’t feel overwhelmed now. I realize my goal is a marathon, not a sprint.  Also, as I slowly make plans, I start noticing there may be other ways to make my life more joyful.  It’s a journey.  A thoughtful, measured journey. 

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

Look, with controlling husbands, they have a knack for beating you down emotionally so that you start to feel helpless.  They demand all your resources (emotional, financial, temporal, physical, logistical), and it's easy to feel . . . . depleted and eroded. 

Thanks so much for responding. 

I do think I’m the one who is pushing myself too hard, and making myself feel overwhelmed.  He’s been beating me down forever, yet, “Still, I rise.”

I don’t feel helpless, although it’s true that he depletes my energy and I don’t have much to begin with — I’m elderly. 

But he can’t stop me.  I have great resolve.  I just need to slow down and remember to smell the roses on the way.  I have a lot to do before I reach my ultimate goal. 

I’ll get there. Slow and steady wins the race.

Thanks again.

-jazz

[maxsterling]

Wow -good topic.  I can definitely relate.

My W was upset the other day because I had a T appointment, and then made a statement about since I have been seeing T more it has led me to have behaviors that are unhealthy to the relationship.  I think that means I am on the right track

I've been seeing my current T over a year.  She has helped me understand how difficult of a situation I am in and the effects it is having on me and our kids.  While she has never said "you need to leave", she has expressed that things are unlikely to change unless she makes a change, and that is beyond my control.  The main thing she works on with me is how to take better care of myself.  But like you, the more I go to T, the less tolerance I have for W's drama.  It's to the point that the second she makes the same old daily complaints I am ready to leave the house.  I don't want to even stay 5 minutes to hear about her bad mood.

It's not the kind of marriage I want.

I'm likely on my way out, too.  Just need to work out details/plan in a way that is safe for all of us. 

[ForeverDad]

I'm likely on my way out, too.  Just need to work out details/plan in a way that is safe for all of us.

Just a bit of reality here.  Your priorities are You and the minor Children.  Your disordered other, further down the list.  Legally, should you go to family court, it would treat both of you as adults, the default perspective.  The court gives more actionable attention to the minors' welfare.  So you would be wise to accept that court would by default assume you both can stand on your own feet.

[JazzSinger]

  But like you, the more I go to T, the less tolerance I have for W's drama.  It's to the point that the second she makes the same old daily complaints I am ready to leave the house.  I don't want to even stay 5 minutes to hear about her bad mood.

It's not the kind of marriage I want.

I'm likely on my way out, too.  Just need to work out details/plan in a way that is safe for all of us. 

Maxsterling,

I get it.

But eventually, I had to temper my strong urge to leave, since I realized it would  take time to put an escape plan into action.  There’s a lot to think about.

 Slow and steady wins the race.

Now, I’m more focused on self-care and setting firmer boundaries.  I need to cope and get through my day-to-day with my H, without the risk of blowing up because I’m “done” with him. I’m still making plans, but I’m much more measured. 

I said all of the above in T, and it kind of forced a reset.  Now,  I no longer feel like I’m being  pushed into something I’m not ready for.

Just sharing. 

Jazz