Sibling Rivalry

[Sammy Jo]

I guess this is an age-old question even for parents without children who have B
PD. My pw BPD is my 23-year-old DD who is and always has been jealous of her 21-year-old sister.
This has escalated tremendously as we are nearing the September 15 deadline of a complete financial cutoff. We gave her five months' notice to prepare, but as expected, she has not. She fears being homeless and continues to say we have favorites and make her feel worthless. My younger daughter is still in college.

I don't justify b/c that has never worked. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

What I can say is that you're not alone.  Sibling rivalry often occurs in most families at some point, but with BPD it seems to be an order of magnitude worse.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who is a few years older than your BPD daughter.  We're in the same boat right now, because my BPD stepdaughter is supposed to find a full-time job and live on her own for the first time by September 1st.  During the extended period of adolescence, she has consumed a lot of the family resources (financial, educational, housing, logistical, emotional support, etc.), and frankly we are tired out.  My husband delayed retirement to continue to support her, and it's high time that she start to earn some of her own money.  Nevertheless, I guess it's not surprising that she is barely looking for work.  Her priorities seem to be elsewhere.  She's flown across the country a few times for mini-vacations, as well as scheduled some elective procedures to improve her looks.  She has gone back and forth concerning housing situations.  I've maintained that jobs come first, and then housing.  My husband said that she can move in with us, to help her save money.  In fact, she's basically moved in already.  She will "visit" a few times a week, but it feels like we're a free hotel with room service for her.  She rarely stays more than a day, because it quickly becomes evident that she's not really looking for work.  Her dad will nudge her (for example, by making her get out of bed by 11 am on a weekday), and she'll be angered by that.  So she'll drive back to her apartment, in avoidance.  Recently she lost out on an apartment because she applied for it herself.  Though I've told her multiple times that a landlord won't accept her without proof of income, she tried nonetheless, perhaps thinking that a few stints as a waitress would be enough.  Needless to say, she was heartbroken when she was rejected, given a poor credit score and lack of income.  She just doesn't listen, and it seems she doesn't learn very quickly.  I think that she thinks to herself, "I'm an adult and can sign a lease, I can live wherever I want."  But she's generally naive and seems clueless about the administrative side of adulting.  Boring things like making wages, paying taxes, signing leases and paying bills on time seem very difficult to her.  I imagine she thought she could apply to one job she wanted and get it straight away.  Only now she is seeing that it's not so easy, and I bet she's terrified.

As for the sibling rivalry, my BPD stepdaughter is currently estranged from her siblings, one which is a twin no less.  She has not spoken to them or been in the same room with them for years now.  I don't like it, but that's where we are.  We invite the BPD stepdaughter to all family gatherings around holidays, and she chooses to stay away.  However she'll usually show up the day after for a small celebration, just with her dad and me, and provided that the siblings are out of the picture.  This seems to be more manageable, as she just can't seem to tolerate seeing her siblings be happy.  They have jobs, romantic interests, friends, pets, their own apartments--that is, normal lives for young adults.  She feels inferior and insecure by comparison.  She can't handle questions from aunts, uncles or grandparents like:  How are you?  How's school?  Do you have a job?  Because these questions are hard for her to answer, and they remind her that she hasn't figured things out yet.  I think she won't be able to repair the relationships with her siblings until she's on equal footing, that is, until she has found a job.  Until then, she's still living as a dependent child, and she just can't stand it.  Seeing the siblings makes her regress and dredge up past negative experiences, as a distraction from the very scary future.  She tends to blame them and "unfair" family dynamics to distract from her current situation, which is that she's not trying very hard to get a job and stand on her own two feet.

Anyway, my BPD stepdaughter seems to like to be in TRANSITION.  She doesn't really like being in school, or working.  She doesn't like to be at home in her apartment, or at home with us.  She likes to be in between, waiting for something.  She likes to be on vacation, in the sense that she's vacating her life.  I guess she doesn't want any responsibilities.  But at the same time, she demands perfect performance from us, as well as from her friends.  She wants the good stuff in life, without putting in much effort.  She doesn't see yet that the good stuff comes from effort and a little struggle, which can't be delegated.  And so I'm on pins and needles to see what happens next.  Typically she'll have a meltdown when the pressure gets to be too great.

I think her big problem isn't her lack of competence, or even her lack of confidence.  It's a negative attitude.  She's an expert at finding all the reasons why a job doesn't interest her, and why she doesn't like her current apartment, her current roommates, her current friends or the current city she's living in.  She's an expert at rationalizing all the reasons why she wouldn't do a good job at such-and-such position, and I think she's giving up before she even tries.  She can't bear to feel a little challenged, because she doesn't want to feel any pressure, stress, anxiety or rejection.  She wants to be comfortable watching TV or scrolling on social media, even if those activities are tiring and make her feel depressed after a while.  She hates to work, while expecting her dad and me to work hard to support her.  But that can't go on any longer.  So I don't know if she's headed for a meltdown, or if she'll work things out because she has to.  I doubt she wants to, but maybe if she has to, she'll do it.  She seems capable enough to organize her life around things she wants, like plane travel and plastic surgery.  If only she wanted an independent life and found the courage to go get it, she'd be awesome.  If only she'd reframe her anxiety into excitement for the future.  I'm not getting my hopes up, however, because history taught me not to.