Feeling helpless after a breakup with my BPD girlfriend

[LoneMaine]

Hello, everyone
I found this forum after looking anywhere for help.

Forgive my formatting for I am not used to posting on any sort of forums.

I wanted to introduce myself, I am a young guy currently in a broken relationship.
I met my girlfriend back in 2022 when she used to be in a terrible spot, she always "joked" about her own death, she used to be sad all the time and she didn't see herself as pretty. I wanted to be of help to her in any way I could.
We spent tons of time together, playing and chatting.
We quickly got into each other, it was like we matched in every aspect.
She was extremely attached to me, I couldn't go one day without calling her without her getting sad or anxious but I always tried my best to always be there for her.

There was a time where she expressed her sadistic thoughts to me (on a call), that time I got extremely scared and felt like I wanted to leave her. But I just sat down and talked with her about never acting on her intrusive thoughts, which she always said she had many.

We always talked about our future together and how we would spend it.
But the relationship was far from perfect, it always felt like I had to walk on eggshells watching out for anything that I said. She always had issues with controlling her emotions, getting angry very easily.
I wasn't perfect either, many times I'd forget about the things she'd tell me annoyed her and do them again.
For example, she'd tell me that she hated me yelling while we played together, but I always still did.

But even after everything, she always told me that she loved me every single day, and I never forgot to do so.
Problems got worse because I felt like she wasn't giving her part in the relationship, and it felt very one-sided. She always felt overwhelmed by the simplest of things and couldn't handle it well at all.
She once mentioned she couldn't take it anymore and that she wanted a break (not a breakup) but I wasn't ready for it.
I proposed that we should take things slower instead but she would later remind me of that.

A few weeks ago, I had gone through her phone and found a text of her saying she'd gotten drunk without me knowing (she isn't old enough to do so) which got me very upset. She explained to me that the text was only a joke and that she'd never drink if I weren't present. To be honest, to this day I don't know if it was a joke text or not.
But, regardless, that was probably what broke her trust in me.

Days later, we would still hangout all the time, we would spend entire days together, having as much fun as one can possibly have, and she would tell me so.
I had messed up again annoying her one day, and I had realized a little too late what I've done.
She ignored me for a couple days but I let her have her space, when I text her again, she had told me how she hasn't felt happy in over a month.
She has never been able to tell her own emotions, she's the kind of person who you could ask "How are you?" and she would reply with "I don't know".
She told me she hasn't felt attached recently and that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

We have both suspected for the longest time she had BPD, although she has never been diagnosed.
I wish to talk to her but it's been a week and she doesn't want to talk to me. She hasn't blocked me or anything and she has me added still in different platforms but I still love her and I wish to help her in any way I can.

Forgive me if my formatting is confusing. If anyone has any other questions about how we handled different things during the relationship or how she acts when something happens, please ask. I want you to get a better understanding so that I can receive better help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I had messed up again annoying her one day, and I had realized a little too late what I've done.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope things work out for the two of you long-term.  However, that's not the real goal here.  The first step is making sure you're okay and processing this in a healthy way.

It's great that you realize you had some responsibility for the break-up, but at the same time you have to give yourself a little grace here.  Thousands have posted similar stories (myself included) and the problem ultimately is not you or her...it's mental health and disordered thinking. 

In short, she second-guessed the relationship, obsessed over it, and mentally went down a dark path.  So much happened "behind the scenes" within her mind that you know nothing about; that's why you're confused on how things escalated so quickly. 

Again though, this is a mental health problem.

What should you do from here?  It's only been a short time since breaking up, so give her the space she's asked for.  If you push, she likely will block you and that's not a good thing.  So take this time to focus on yourself, to reset mentally and heal from what's just happened.  Find some good habits- working out, going for walks, sports, etc. that can occupy your time.  Try to avoid sitting home gaming and scrolling on social media, that leads to depression.  You need to get outdoors around people that love you.

Also, take some time and look through the "tools" and "tips" at the top of this page.  Start to learn about BPD and better ways to communicate in these relationships.  It will serve you well regardless of what happens long-term.  Please feel free to ask any questions as well, we're here for you!

[LoneMaine]

What should you do from here?  It's only been a short time since breaking up, so give her the space she's asked for.  If you push, she likely will block you and that's not a good thing.  So take this time to focus on yourself, to reset mentally and heal from what's just happened.  Find some good habits- working out, going for walks, sports, etc. that can occupy your time.  Try to avoid sitting home gaming and scrolling on social media, that leads to depression.  You need to get outdoors around people that love you.

Also, take some time and look through the "tools" and "tips" at the top of this page.  Start to learn about BPD and better ways to communicate in these relationships.  It will serve you well regardless of what happens long-term.  Please feel free to ask any questions as well, we're here for you!

Hello!!! Thanks for replying
She contacted me again a few days ago looking to spend some time gaming, she said she wasn't looking forward to getting back together.
I remember one week before we broke up that she would never want to do so. And that she really needed me.
She always talked about a part of her that was uncaring and mean, and another that was sweet, caring and very loving towards me. I don't know if I am fooling myself into believing there is still hope but I wish I could let her know that her own emotions betray her sometimes. I wish there were a way for her to see that she needs help and that this might've been an impulsive decision. I love her a lot still and I wish I could help her. I just don't know how to get to her.