My 28 year old daughter lives with me and has BPD

[S. Mom]

I really don't know what to do at this point.My mother lived with me and my 2 daughters for 20 years following my divorce. She was my best friend and we endured a lot together like the loss of my father, sister (ovarian cancer) and youngest daughter to suicide at age 17, and a very verbally abusive harassing ex. My mom passed away a couple years ago and my only living relative, my 28 year old daughter got out of a bad relationship and moved in with me at that time. She has bpd and life for me has been hell, especially with the stark difference of living with my mom who was supportive and good humored, my daughter is neither of these things. I have financially supported her for nearly three years and it has ruined me financially. I am at the point where my monthly bills exceed my monthly income. She has a job and works about 30 hours a week - she has finally started paying some money each month but because things have gotten out of hand it isnt much help. I am also behind on property taxes. I am a very patient person so I do put up with a lot from my daughter in an effort to make her feel supported and loved even though she claims I am the worst mom ever. I will never be able to retire and I face losing my home. I feel really trapped and it seems there is no way out. My daughter plans on living with me until I die - she has a very unrealistic view of adulting and also refuses to go to therapy or take medication. I am just trying to find a way to be positive and keep going, knowing this is what the remainder of my life looks like

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

As long as she doesn't have a legal claim to your home, such as being a co-owner or jointly on the lease, you technically have the right to have her leave and find her own residence.  Sometimes, though, the technical aspect is the smaller issue.  We've "been there, experienced that".  But it seems your survival, at least emotionally and financially, are at risk.

The first step in getting control back of your life is to research the alternatives.  As I wrote above, likely she does not have a legal claim to remain without your permission.

However, she likely will stir things up when you try.  That's called extinction bursts where the other will go to any lengths to coerce or intimidate you into reverting back to the prior status quo.

[Notwendy]

It may help to tackle one problem at a time. The main one (besides BPD) is the finances. If it gets to the point where you aren't able to support your own needs- housing, food, etc- then there's no way to help anyone else. Supporting your daughter as you have been, is not sustainable.

Where is the main money expenditure? The house itself, costs the same whether one or two people are in it. Utilities, food, and other expenses may be increased. If you are supporting her spending on other things- clothing, toileteries- this needs to stop. While you can ask her to leave as FD has pointed out- her staying in the house doesn't add to the cost of the house itself. You may want her to leave- but that's another issue. This focus is on where the money is going and what to change.

My BPD mother was careless with money. She didn't seem to comprehend limits. If your D is similar, then you are the one who needs to have the brakes on spending as she may not stop. As they say on a plane- your oxygen mask needs to be put on first. Having your adult D help with expenses is a good step but another one needs to be to change what is going out. Cut off any access she has to your money. If your D has access to your bank accounts, or you give her your credit card- you can put a stop to that.

Your #1 priority is your own basic needs- home, food, car, gasoline, insurance. How can you meet these first?

[Sancho]

I agree with Notwendy that the finances are a priority. I am wondering if you could write your financial position down clearly and take it to a financial adviser? If you could consolidate debt it could be helpful.

It could be helpful to include DD in a plan to rescue the financial position. Being able to say 'the financial advisor said we need to do this or we may lose the house' can be helpful because it introduce another authority to the situation.

At times I have said to my DD that I had been to the bank and this is what I needed to do. This was helpful. Making things visual ie a table of expenses, how much you are behind etc can be helpful.

[ForeverDad]

Being able to say 'the financial advisor said we need to do this or we may lose the house' can be helpful because it introduce another authority to the situation.

Precisely.  Sometimes shifting some of the authority onto another's advice can defuse the automatic dismissal we would likely receive.  BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships - for her as well as you - and your daughter may not be willing to listen to you due to the emotional baggage of your past years together.

[CC43]

Hi there mom,

I also have an adult BPD stepdaughter living with me, and she has been unemployed for several months now.  She has never worked a full-time job.  The longest she held an easy, very part-time job (15-20 hours per week) has been for around three months.  Other jobs she quits or gets fired within a few days.  She doesn't contribute anything to the household in the way of rent, or buying communal groceries, or helping out with chores; she uses my home like a free hotel with free laundry and free room service.  Though she is currently being respectful, and she does keep her room tidy, typically she has not.  I feel like I'm one glance or gesture or innocent question away from a total meltdown.  But I am hanging in there, because being respectful is a major step in the right direction.  On the other hand, my husband doesn't expect much of his adult daughter, and that is a big part of the problem in my opinion.

Anyway, I have a slightly different take than the other posters on this question.  While it may be that if you work out a budget with a financial planner and share the results with your daughter, she'd respect the outside expert's authority and agree to make some positive changes.  But if it were my BPD stepdaughter, I'd surely get a different reaction.  First, she couldn't handle the "stress" of talking about finances in the household and increased responsibilities.  It would bring on a bout of high "anxiety," and she would retreat in avoidance.  If I forced her to have a conversation, she would probably say something like, "I don't like numbers, I can't handle this."  If I urged her more, she'd probably turn aggressive.  One tactic would be to use the blame game:  "It's all YOUR fault, you're a terrible person."  Another tactic would be to question the authority--"I don't care where you got those numbers, I don't want to talk about them."  She might even rip up the paper in protest, and then storm off.  Then she'd say I was "rude" and "abusive" towards her.

I bet your daughter's attitude is that she expects you to care for her like an adolescent indefinitely, and that you are her backstop.  She gets to make all the decisions about her life, yet she expects you to face the consequences, right?  Changing that dynamic will not happen overnight.

I do agree with the other posters that reducing your financial stress is a priority for you right now, as you say that you're at risk of losing your home.  If I were you, I'd focus exclusively on that issue for the time being, because if you are stressed out, it will be very hard indeed to work on changing your relationship with your adult daughter.  I'd also recommend that you make the changes that are within your control.  Basically that means, spending only on needs for the time being, and drastically reducing or eliminating any spending on wants.  Wants include things like internet service and entertainment.  My sister has three school-aged children, and she does fine without internet service or TV programming at home--she copes by going to the public library regularly, where she will pay bills and handle scheduling online, while the kids complete their online homework.  Wants also include take-out meals and convenience foods.  I'd suggest that you limit yourself to home cooking until you come out from under the financial stress.  In addition, vacation is a want, not a need.  Paying for your adult daughter's cell phone or car insurance is a want, not a need.  You have the power to make these changes starting right now.  My question to you would be, can you still afford your house when you reduce your spending for a while, say a year?  What if you worked some overtime?  If you still can't stay afloat after making these changes, then maybe you need to consider downsizing.

All my best to you.