2nd burning issue of the day...

[Yepanotherone]

same scenario... .we are getting this EVERY SINGLE DAY!... over and over. my DD just never gives up! it's exhausting!

DD: "can I get the car?"
Me: No.
DD : why not?
Me: you know why not.
DD: you're just being a stubborn B***h! There is literally no reason now why you won't give me my car back. you've tested me and I'm drug free!"
Me: Yes I have tested you a couple of times but there is still a long way to go before we can trust you enough to give you the car again.
DD: that is just ridiculous. ive told you I wont do drugs again. just give me the car.
Me: no.
DD. Why not?
Me: do we really need to go through this conflict every single day?
DD : just give me the car then and i'll be happy and this can all stop!
Me: you are not getting the car. We can't trust you right now because you are still lying about who you are with and we still need to feel we can trust you that you will not go use the car to go get drugs again.  We DID trust you but then found out you've actually been driving about high for the last 6 months, despite us telling you over and over again that if you were ever found to be doing drugs, then the car would go.  you have made poor decisions and demonstated  poor judgement to a severe degree, and you could have hurt yourself and someone else. You have been using the car with your BF and other friends to get up to illegal activity and now you have a court case pending. It's OUR car. It's not your car. Driving and giving you that car is a privilege that you earn, not something you are entitled to. "

and it goes on an on... .she's using the "well ive no transport and who's fault is THAT?""" to not go to school now.  And when I say " its your own fault you don't have a car now. you DID have a car. But you abused it. so now you have to earn it back. and it takes more than being free of drugs for a few weeks for us to feel we can trust you again with the car"

please help me with this one. I'm very aware I'm not validating probably at all... .because I'm so angry that she's gotten herself into this position in the first place!... .and my anger is not helping me to respond in a validating way... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

same scenario... .we are getting this EVERY SINGLE DAY!... over and over. my DD just never gives up! it's exhausting!

DD: "can I get the car?"
Me: No.
DD : why not?
Me: you know why not.
DD: you're just being a stubborn B***h! There is literally no reason now why you won't give me my car back. you've tested me and I'm drug free!"
Me: Yes I have tested you a couple of times but there is still a long way to go before we can trust you enough to give you the car again.
DD: that is just ridiculous. ive told you I wont do drugs again. just give me the car.
Me: no.
DD. Why not?
Me: do we really need to go through this conflict every single day?
DD : just give me the car then and i'll be happy and this can all stop!
Me: you are not getting the car. We can't trust you right now because you are still lying about who you are with and we still need to feel we can trust you that you will not go use the car to go get drugs again.  We DID trust you but then found out you've actually been driving about high for the last 6 months, despite us telling you over and over again that if you were ever found to be doing drugs, then the car would go.  you have made poor decisions and demonstated  poor judgement to a severe degree, and you could have hurt yourself and someone else. You have been using the car with your BF and other friends to get up to illegal activity and now you have a court case pending. And you continue to scream , shout and swear at us and show us no respect.  It's OUR car. It's not your car. Driving and giving you that car is a privilege that you earn, not something you are entitled to. "

and it goes on an on... .she's using the "well ive no transport and who's fault is THAT?""" to not go to school now.  And when I say " its your own fault you don't have a car now. you DID have a car. But you abused it. so now you have to earn it back. and it takes more than being free of drugs for a few weeks for us to feel we can trust you again with the car"

please help me with this one. I'm very aware I'm not validating probably at all... .because I'm so angry that she's gotten herself into this position in the first place!... .and my anger is not helping me to respond in a validating way... .

[Lollypop]

Hi Yep

My BPDS can't follow long conversations when he's stressed. I keep my talks as short as possible.  I take time preparing what I need to say and practise it.

I don't know what your plans are about when or if she's allowed to drive etc. Obviously, she wants to know when it will happen or what she needs to do to get the privileges back. She wants a carrot and to be treated fairly.

I've put a suggested response that'll need changing so it meets your situation.

I like the DEAR part of the DEARMAN technique.

describe - facts

"XXX hasn't taken good care of you and encouraged you to break the law so you can't XXX.

Express - feelings

I know you're feeling angry and frustrated about this. That must feel really shxxxty and I'm sorry you feel this way right now.

Assert - be clear what you want

I would like you to stop repeatedly asking for XXX as this just makes us both stressed.

Reinforce - mutual benefits

I think this will really help us get along so much better and help us be more understanding of each other.

Here's an old post on SET that you might find useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I hope this helps you.

L

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Yep,

Lollypop has given some great input. I know how hard it is being put on the spot and having dialogue in the heat of the moment, which is why thru much therapy we (parents) do not engage in back / forth while things are heated.  My d knows we need to take a timeout to calm down and get our heads on straight. 

Validation / listening w/empathy is key.  Put yourself in her teenage shoes, let her know you can understand how she feels because you too were a teen!   Definitely present as a united front ie dad and I need to see y, x, z and we can work TOGETHER. Try thinking of small, baby steps, that she can work toward / achieve in order to get the keys, or whatever else the days dilemma is. 

It's hard, but communication and the situation can improve, small changes can make a big difference.  Also, don't forget to compliment her when she does something right. It can be something as simple as putting her shoes where they belong, setting the dinner table... .anything, it makes a HUGE difference in their minds

I hope today is brighter.

[Yepanotherone]

Thankyou so very much ladies , I keep referring to your responses and I'm actually going to note them down in the wee notebook that ive started to keep by my bed . In definitley going to write down and practice some responses . I've also started to log down " pertinent" events as a suggestion from a friend who has gone through a lot with her own daughter .
We actually had a nice day yesterday me and my two girls ... .The first non confrontational day since December . Went out and walked round the shops , spot of lunch sitting outside in the warm sunshine at the Cheesecake Factory , The only teensy weensy issue that almost arose when my BPD DD asked for the car last night . My older daughter shut her down fast though by simoly saying " shut up ! Don't start ! We've had a nice day " and for once she didn't explode .
Today we were called into the online school ( well actually I asked the school counsellor to call my DD in because she's not even doing the bare minimum for school recently ) so he gave her a really motivating pep talk , telling her how smart she is but of late has been slacking ... He has a way with her though so seems it's been enough to spur her back into action school wise . Then she went to the psychologist tonight without any arguements , and has been a delight all evening ! And now ... .My god ... .She's cleaning her room !
So nice to have a normal couple of days without the screaming banshee exorcist character  she's been for the last couple of months ! A bit of a reprieve .
I'm not kidding myself . It won't last   but nice to have my daughter back for a wee while