He's pushing to end the separation and I'm not ready

[MindfulBreath]

It's been 6 weeks since I initiated a separation from my BPDh. Living under the same roof in different bedrooms. I initiated it through a letter, because I honestly didn't have the courage to say it in person, especially because he typically rages and doesn't let me finish. It felt like the right move, and he did receive it - then clarified that he wanted to do the separation "right", with no contact the entire time.

It's been tremendously awkward and charged any time we've passed each other in the house or in our community, but at the same time, it's also been quite liberating and a relief. I've also oscillated between intense anger and sadness - especially in the first few weeks - but have come to a place of more peaceful resignation. I've been working with a Conscious Uncoupling coach who has been super helpful in having me focus on myself and why I have chosen to be with someone like this - especially looking back over the past year and how much worse he got after we got married (DRAMATICALLY worse - which I finally confirmed by looking back through our text messages).

He is supposedly in therapy. He bought a bunch of DBT workbooks. But it doesn't seem like they have moved from a pile of stuff in the room where he's staying (I have to go through that room to do my laundry).

We live in a foreign country, and I've never had my own bank account here. I always relied on him and his account to do things like order stuff online, buy phone credit, buy electricity for the house, etc. He had instructed me that, during the separation, I should ask his staff to buy any of these things for me instead of asking him directly. Yesterday, I decided that I'd had enough and that I need to open my own bank account.

I think this triggered something in him - that I really won't "need" him anymore (one of his parting phrases at the point of separation was "I think you're going to see just how much I really do for you"). After he found out I would be traveling to the mainland to open the account, he initiated contact with me via text. It started off harsh and then became pressure to end the separation by the end of the month, demands that I promise I won't leave him because holding out hope without promises woud be too painful, love-bombing (you are my breath, you've brought light into my life, etc.), and claims that he's been working through his DBT workbooks every single day (how can he be working through them when they are on the floor in a pile that hasn't moved?). He also, for the first time, admitted that he has BPD.

I was proud of myself for saying that I can't give him a timeline and that I am working on myself. I didn't make any promises about getting back together. I congratulated him on the work he's doing on himself.

The problem is, now he's texting me regularly. Making me coffee. Asking me if I need anything or if he can get me anything at the store. Making a cake and telling me I should have some. I feel him encroaching into my space and pushing to end the separation without my consent.

The issue is, I didn't put strong boundaries about what the separation would mean to me - he was the one who suggested NC and I went along with it, and it turned out to be a good idea.

Now I feel completely overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to do next. One of my biggest realizations during this separation is that it doesn't matter if he accepts his diagnosis or continues to work with a therapist... he will struggle with his mental health likely for the rest of his life. Or at least for the immediate future. And I realized that I actually have a choice to no longer put up with it. To not walk on eggshells, to be social, to travel without worrying about getting punished, to not worry that special moments will be spoiled.

When he said he wanted to end the separation, I felt an immediate sense of obligation. He deserves the last chance he asked for in his messages. But that sense of obligation was paired with resentment and something else. Disappointment? It certainly wasn't relief.

This is what I'm working on with my Conscious Uncoupling coach: why do I feel like I always have to put other people's needs before my own? Why do I feel obligated to stay committed to something that will be such a struggle, even with treatment?

On the other hand, I know I will feel so guilty if I do leave him - because pwBPD deserve love too. It's not their fault that they have a mental illness. It will feel very selfish and will break my heart because I do love him, even though I'm not sure if I'm not in love with him anymore.

It was so much easier when I was just angry. I'm not sure what to do next.

[ForeverDad]

From an early post:

He has been in and out of therapy a few times over the course of our relationship (5 years together), but has a hard time prioritizing it/doesn’t see the inherent value. Any time he has started to go again after petering out comes after a particularly bad split where I essentially tell him it’s over unless he gets, and maintains, help.

It is often observed here that if a person is not doing therapy because of his own desire for recovery, it is unlikely to succeed.  You can't do it for him.  Nor is him doing it for you likely to succeed either.  Thus far it doesn't seem he is motivated to truly seek recovery for himself.