One Day of Peace and I’m Doubting Myself Again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for about 20 years. I’ve known for a long time that it is BPD that I’m likely dealing with, although not diagnosed.

We recently had a baby, which was very unexpected (but definitely mine, since IVF). The birth of my son has made me much more aware of the dynamics of our relationship, and it seems to me to be abusive and controlling (that’s what a counsellor suggested to me, and she is right).

I am starting to make moves to change things. I have booked an appointment with a lawyer, and have started viewing alternative places to live.

But I have no one to talk to about it (my parents are elderly, I don’t want to drag my friends into it), and it can feel as if I’m living a double life. This is especially so at the moment, while I’m in a calm between storms. I can be sitting there laughing with my partner, and it feels surreal that I’m making secret plans to leave.

I can feel the tension all over my body. I’m worried about leaving (am I doing right by my son, what if my partner can’t cope, what about our dog, the mortgage).

I’m worried if I end up staying (what behaviour am I modelling for him, he’ll be exposed to the rages - my partner rages at me in front of him, and says negative things to him about me).

I don’t know what I’m asking, really. I am as close as I’ve been to leaving, but I’m really getting the jitters about it.

I know there isn’t a definitive answer to this, but I’m trying to work out whether I do best by my son by staying in an abusive relationship, but absorbing it all so he never has to face it himself, or leaving and potentially leaving him in the role (when he’s older - he’s only 18 months now) of my partner’s ’emotional punchbag’

[reginald]

Hello,

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for about 20 years. I’ve known for a long time that it is BPD that I’m likely dealing with, although not diagnosed.

We recently had a baby, which was very unexpected (but definitely mine, since IVF). The birth of my son has made me much more aware of the dynamics of our relationship, and it seems to me to be abusive and controlling (that’s what a counsellor suggested to me, and she is right).

I am starting to make moves to change things. I have booked an appointment with a lawyer, and have started viewing alternative places to live.

But I have no one to talk to about it (my parents are elderly, I don’t want to drag my friends into it), and it can feel as if I’m living a double life. This is especially so at the moment, while I’m in a calm between storms. I can be sitting there laughing with my partner, and it feels surreal that I’m making secret plans to leave.

I can feel the tension all over my body. I’m worried about leaving (am I doing right by my son, what if my partner can’t cope, what about our dog, the mortgage).

I’m worried if I end up staying (what behaviour am I modelling for him, he’ll be exposed to the rages - my partner rages at me in front of him, and says negative things to him about me).

I don’t know what I’m asking, really. I am as close as I’ve been to leaving, but I’m really getting the jitters about it.

I know there isn’t a definitive answer to this, but I’m trying to work out whether I do best by my son by staying in an abusive relationship, but absorbing it all so he never has to face it himself, or leaving and potentially leaving him in the role (when he’s older - he’s only 18 months now) of my partner’s ’emotional punchbag’

[ForeverDad]

We recently had a baby, which was very unexpected (but definitely mine, since IVF). The birth of my son has made me much more aware of the dynamics of our relationship, and it seems to me to be abusive and controlling (that’s what a counsellor suggested to me, and she is right)...

I’m worried if I end up staying (what behaviour am I modelling for him, he’ll be exposed to the rages - my partner rages at me in front of him, and says negative things to him about me).

I know in my own experience that my spouse's behavior became more extreme, more negative and more uncontrolled.  It was the opposite of what I'd expected.  I had imagined she would be less unhappy with a child and watching an innocent joyfully discovering life.  How clueless I was.

If you are ever asked, "Why did you have a child knowing she had issues?" then I would suspect you can honestly reply, "I had hoped life would get better, not worse."

I don’t know what I’m asking, really. I am as close as I’ve been to leaving, but I’m really getting the jitters about it.

Gift yourself time to assess your situation and become more comfortable with your options.  I thinking at least some months to research things, but not too many since a young life, as well as yours, is involved.

[reginald]

Thank you for your reply.

I feel that life is considerably better with my son in it. I have zero regrets about that. But I want to do what’s best by him. And I *think* that means leaving, and giving him an alternative place to be that isn’t part of the emotional rollercoaster that goes with life with my partner.

It feels like I don’t have a lot of extra time to think this through. If I don’t do it now, then my circumstances mean that it will be difficult to get a chance again until next summer. And by that time he’ll be older and more aware of what’s going on. And maybe the time would have come and gone for me too. It’s an ‘if not now, when?’ situation.

It’s not that I’m missing any extra information to make a decision. I’m having jitters, and I’m having doubts. And I think that would happen anyway, at whatever point I make the decisions. And those jitters are increased by my partner having one of her rare couple of days where things are reasonable and calm.

[ForeverDad]

I still think it would be wise to consult - privately and confidentially - with a few local family law attorneys so you can ask about the process in your area and learn what to do and especially what to avoid.  The first lawyer you interview may not be qualified to handle our sort of complicated cases.  Ours is not a matter of simply filing some paperwork and sitting back.  Strategies and some preparation makes a huge difference in the outcome.

Are there any frozen embryos left?  If any, ponder how that should be handled.

[reginald]

Thanks for the advice, I will look around and ask a few family lawyers (but some charge a lot of money for an initial consultation…my financial situation is not good, partly because of the way our finances haven’t been shared out fairly).

No frozen embryos, so we won’t be having another child.

I had a quick question, which you might not want to answer, or feel that you can answer. My dilemma is that I’m unsure whether, by leaving, I will make things worse for my son, because he’ll then be the main outlet for my partner’s control issues. By staying, perhaps I ensure that I am the one that my partner uses to regulate her emotions. If I leave, will my son take on that role? That’s my main concern about leaving.

[Notwendy]

I had a quick question, which you might not want to answer, or feel that you can answer. My dilemma is that I’m unsure whether, by leaving, I will make things worse for my son, because he’ll then be the main outlet for my partner’s control issues. By staying, perhaps I ensure that I am the one that my partner uses to regulate her emotions. If I leave, will my son take on that role? That’s my main concern about leaving.

As a an adult child of a mother with BPD, I think this happens either way. I don't know the road not taken as my parents stayed together. It may seem like you are the main target now, since your child is a baby, but BPD affects all relationships. However, he will grow up and his relationship with his mother will evolve as he does.

Since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, the intimate partner may be the most affected but other family members are too. In our situation, all of us took on the role of emotional caretaker for our BPD mother. My parents staying together did not prevent this, as this is the nature of anyone having a relationship with her.

I think whether you stay or leave, your child will be influenced in this manner- as this is his mother. Which situation is more or less, I don't know. What I do know from my own experience is that it happened even though my parents stayed together, so perhaps there are other factors to consider when contemplating this decision. The well being of a child is an important consideration and so is your own emotional well being.

[ForeverDad]

I separated and divorced when my child was still a preschooler.  I felt I didn't have a choice to stay since my ex was threatening to disappear with our child.  I was no longer seen as an authority to my spouse, so I decided to make family court The Real Authority my ex couldn't ignore or disparage.

That said, raising your child with at least part of the time in your calm and relatively normal home environment would expose your child to the contrast between each parent's separate home.  If you stay then the only experience the child would have is in a dysfunctional and unbalanced environment.  A prior post explaining it in more detail is the two first paragraphs > here < with the quote, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

We can't decide for you what you should or should not do, but you deserve to know the various options as well as the upsides and downsides.

[reginald]

Notwendy and ForeverDad, thanks ever so much for these replies.

I feel that the momentum for me is to leave, and has been for a while. Something shifted when I saw a counsellor, and when I started writing a day-to-day journal. It just made so vivid to me how bad the relationship is, and how closely it fits typically abusive relationships.

The confusing thing for me, is how much doubts creep in whenever I have a couple of days reprieve from the exhausting dynamic. Re-reading my journal helps with this.

For years I’ve been waiting for someone to shake me and tell me to leave. In the end, though, I know that no-one but me can make the decision. I’m now in a situation where I’ve (almost) made a decision for myself on it. I’ve made concrete steps I have not made before - arranging to see a lawyer, making viewings on flats.

I’m now trying to go through the pros and cons, the knowns and unknowns, to make sure I’m not making a bad mistake. No matter how certain something seems to me, I always harbour doubts and a feeling that I’m missing something or deluding myself somehow.

Your comments have really helped me in this regard, since they confirm what I have been thinking, and everything which I have been able to gather from my own readings.

I think I just need to keep steady, and realise that a move out is in the best longterm interests for everyone, including and especially my son.