Seeking insight

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, my name is Page and I'm 57 and have a 27 year old daughter, who is diagnosed Bipolar I but who I believe has BPD.
She is currently at a retreat centre in Colorado, living in a sort of work trade situation, after having had her 5th mental health crisis, in which she threw her life into chaos, and abandoned all stability she had enthusiastically and intentionally been building for a year. She had had a great job in Santa Barbara and had been promoted to the role of executive administrative assistant to the CEO of a company there. She was thriving. I had stretched myself past my limits financially setting her up for success in this job. I bought her a whole new wardrobe, as she had never had an office job or the need for professional clothes before. I cosigned for a car loan for her, as she needed a reliable vehicle to get to work. The agreement was that she would make the payments, pay the insurance.
She left the job suddenly and without real, adult communication with her employer. She had a whole desk, set up with all her things; she had a portal filled with daily tasks which were her responsibility. She had received the promotion to her role, ahead of two other candidates who were actually better qualified than she, because she had been so knocking it out of the park at her job.
But she got triggered, by her dad, and just up and split and drove to Boulder, where she had lived for 5 years before this. She said she needed to get her things out of storage. I knew this was a terrible idea, as her storage unit in Boulder was a time capsule to her last mental health crisis, and was sure to be de-stabilizing, bringing a whole flood of memories from that time.
She ended up hospitalised in Boulder, again. In all, this was her 5th hospitalisation. Anti-psych meds were given.
I took the car away from her and a friend of mine drove it from Colorado to me on the east coast, so that I can try to sell it.
She called me for the first time last weekend since early July. She sounded good, but I was on eggshells, wanting to express my anger for all that was not ok about how she behaved, cruel things she said to friends ( which I heard about) , the whole litany of things.
But I didn't come down hard or focus on accountability. It seems like every time, she waits long enough to reach out until she knows I'll just be so glad that the door of communication is open again that I will be loving, and no longer angry.
But with this crisis, I had reached my absolute saturation point. I knew I had to start to take care of myself and I could not keep trying to hold and carry it all, and to rescue her.
I started going to a NAMI support group, and I started therapy. I finally found a therapist I like, and she is 100 percent covered by my insurance, with no copay.
It is very difficult when Anna wants to come back around in this way, like none of what she just did happened.
That's where I am now.
I am wanting to discuss all the real things with her, but also wanting her brain to heal from this most recent psychosis, and not wanting to trigger her more, or exacerbate her mental health crisis.
All the points that define BPD apply and fit her experience. She idealises and then devalues and goes on smear campaigns. She posts on social media, the most awful things.
She can be terribly cruel and she is subject to intense rage.
I do believe there was sexual abuse when she was young, and I have therefore just felt such guilt and such pain, and wanted to do whatever I can to try to heal her broken-ness. Most recently, I have wanted to tell her I think this is actually BPD, but I read here on this site that that is not advised.
There is a lot more to say. It's a long story, with lost of episodes.
But I guess I will just leave it there for now.
She is now working in housekeeping at the retreat centre.
She has said very little, except that she's "doing great" and "loves it there" .
I am grateful for any support or advice I can find, on how best to communicate with my daughter.
Thank you.
Page

[Mom222]

Hi, my name is Page and I'm 57 and have a 27 year old daughter, who is diagnosed Bipolar I but who I believe has BPD.
She is currently at a retreat centre in Colorado, living in a sort of work trade situation, after having had her 5th mental health crisis, in which she threw her life into chaos, and abandoned all stability she had enthusiastically and intentionally been building for a year. She had had a great job in Santa Barbara and had been promoted to the role of executive administrative assistant to the CEO of a company there. She was thriving. I had stretched myself past my limits financially setting her up for success in this job. I bought her a whole new wardrobe, as she had never had an office job or the need for professional clothes before. I cosigned for a car loan for her, as she needed a reliable vehicle to get to work. The agreement was that she would make the payments, pay the insurance.
She left the job suddenly and without real, adult communication with her employer. She had a whole desk, set up with all her things; she had a portal filled with daily tasks which were her responsibility. She had received the promotion to her role, ahead of two other candidates who were actually better qualified than she, because she had been so knocking it out of the park at her job.
But she got triggered, by her dad, and just up and split and drove to Boulder, where she had lived for 5 years before this. She said she needed to get her things out of storage. I knew this was a terrible idea, as her storage unit in Boulder was a time capsule to her last mental health crisis, and was sure to be de-stabilizing, bringing a whole flood of memories from that time.
She ended up hospitalised in Boulder, again. In all, this was her 5th hospitalisation. Anti-psych meds were given.
I took the car away from her and a friend of mine drove it from Colorado to me on the east coast, so that I can try to sell it.
She called me for the first time last weekend since early July. She sounded good, but I was on eggshells, wanting to express my anger for all that was not ok about how she behaved, cruel things she said to friends ( which I heard about) , the whole litany of things.
But I didn't come down hard or focus on accountability. It seems like every time, she waits long enough to reach out until she knows I'll just be so glad that the door of communication is open again that I will be loving, and no longer angry.
But with this crisis, I had reached my absolute saturation point. I knew I had to start to take care of myself and I could not keep trying to hold and carry it all, and to rescue her.
I started going to a NAMI support group, and I started therapy. I finally found a therapist I like, and she is 100 percent covered by my insurance, with no copay.
It is very difficult when Anna wants to come back around in this way, like none of what she just did happened.
That's where I am now.
I am wanting to discuss all the real things with her, but also wanting her brain to heal from this most recent psychosis, and not wanting to trigger her more, or exacerbate her mental health crisis.
All the points that define BPD apply and fit her experience. She idealises and then devalues and goes on smear campaigns. She posts on social media, the most awful things.
She can be terribly cruel and she is subject to intense rage.
I do believe there was sexual abuse when she was young, and I have therefore just felt such guilt and such pain, and wanted to do whatever I can to try to heal her broken-ness. Most recently, I have wanted to tell her I think this is actually BPD, but I read here on this site that that is not advised.
There is a lot more to say. It's a long story, with lost of episodes.
But I guess I will just leave it there for now.
She is now working in housekeeping at the retreat centre.
She has said very little, except that she's "doing great" and "loves it there" .
I am grateful for any support or advice I can find, on how best to communicate with my daughter.
Thank you.
Page

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders