WTF Am I supposed to do now?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's 12 months since I posted.

Situation has deteriorated even further. I told her earlier that I couldn't carry on and that I need to divorce.I have said I am not moving out. I have said that I want 50/50 custody of my daughter...
 So far she has threatened to phone the police and social services, that she is going to make my life an absolute living hell, grabbed my chin and also stroking me to instigate a reaction, that she hopes that I die in my bed tonight. (Amongst many many awful things).

Wtf do I do now ?

[phoenix blue]

It's 12 months since I posted.

Situation has deteriorated even further. I told her earlier that I couldn't carry on and that I need to divorce.I have said I am not moving out. I have said that I want 50/50 custody of my daughter...
 So far she has threatened to phone the police and social services, that she is going to make my life an absolute living hell, grabbed my chin and also stroking me to instigate a reaction, that she hopes that I die in my bed tonight. (Amongst many many awful things).

Wtf do I do now ?

[ForeverDad]

First, take a step back and take a few deep breaths.  There should be good preparation done before you mention divorce.

When you are striving to repair the relationship, you do share information.  However, if you're coming to accept the need to divorce, everything proceeds differently, especially what information you share.  For example you do share parenting information as well as the necessary day-to-day events such as paying the bills, going to work, etc.

What you do not share are things that by necessity need to be kept private and confidential.  Your spouse probably doesn't believe it but you do have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  That means you don't have to divulge your thoughts or plans even in spouse's late night interrogations and ultimatums.  They would be your personal decisions as to what you will do in the near future, your interviews with some family law attorneys as you seek out their expertise and advice, strategies and level of capability.  After all, some lawyers may be okay for filling out forms and holding your hand but be forewarned that a divorce involving BPD requires more experience, both with the type of case as well as experience in court hearings and trials.

Some here decided not even to inform (with "fair notice") their disordered spouses they were going to divorce.  Why not?  They knew their spouse would overreact and try to sabotage their plans and efforts.  (Similar to your own spouse's immediate overreaction.)  They chose to let the lawyer have their stbEx (soon-to-be ex) served with the divorce papers, giving the other less opportunity to sabotage them.

This reminds me of something my divorce lawyer told me when I hired him... "My first task is to sit on my clients.  I have to stop them from talking so much without my prior advice and making my job harder to accomplish."

[phoenix blue]

Thanks FD, and your points are taken on board.

Today, I am faced with a different approach from the pure rage and anger. Today she is calmly talking about "the things" I have done wrong and that she didn't threaten me with divorce.

.... and now the tears.....

Sorry if I am sounding heartless.  It is easier to take the rage.

[maxsterling]

Personally, I think the best strategy for divorcing/separating from a BPD partner whom you live with is to come up with a safety plan first, and pretend all is normal.  Line up a safe place to live for the short term, have a separate bank account, PO box for mail, notify the kids' school, etc.  After all is ready for the inevitable - then mention the separation.  Deal with the custody/shared property in court on a later date. 

If you don't share property or kids but cohabitate - the best strategy is probably to move out while pwBPD is at work, send a text message after you are gone, and then block the number.

If you are just dating pwBPD and don't live together, I suggest learning about restraining orders in your community and having those resources at hand.  Then breakup by text and go on vacation for a month.

Yes, it sounds harsh, and yes, I am serious.  When BPDw told me of ways exes broke up with her at first I felt bad for her.  But that was before I experienced the BPD.  Now, 10+ years later I feel those former partners were much smarter and gutsier than I.   

[kells76]

So sorry to hear about the major stresses you are going through right now. FD has good advice to slow down, plan ahead, prepare, and get advice.

Have you considered getting some therapy or counseling for yourself right now, to help you get some solid perspective?