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[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I am joining here to get some support from fellow parents.
I have 1 son, who’s 7 years old.
His half sister (my ex’s daughter, who I regard as my bonus daughter) turned 18 and moved in with us about a year ago.

It has been exceedingly difficult.
I love her and I feel for her. I know I’m the only stable, loving, secure adult she has ever experienced.
And I am exhausted by the boundary pushing, mood swings, unkind treatment, and entitlement.
Over the last couple of months I’ve made some big changes insofar as my expectations and conditions for her continuing to live here.

I so badly wish I could make things easier for her in life, and, I fear I am going to burn out, even with the aforementioned conditions/boundaries.

Additionally, my partner and I are talking about our next steps - getting engaged, moving in together, etc. and I fear she would make it miserable. I know the answer is to put an end date for how long she can live here. And I’m scared of her reaction, as well as scared about what is next for her.

Advice? Thoughts?

[Misty93]

Hi, I am joining here to get some support from fellow parents.
I have 1 son, who’s 7 years old.
His half sister (my ex’s daughter, who I regard as my bonus daughter) turned 18 and moved in with us about a year ago.

It has been exceedingly difficult.
I love her and I feel for her. I know I’m the only stable, loving, secure adult she has ever experienced.
And I am exhausted by the boundary pushing, mood swings, unkind treatment, and entitlement.
Over the last couple of months I’ve made some big changes insofar as my expectations and conditions for her continuing to live here.

I so badly wish I could make things easier for her in life, and, I fear I am going to burn out, even with the aforementioned conditions/boundaries.

Additionally, my partner and I are talking about our next steps - getting engaged, moving in together, etc. and I fear she would make it miserable. I know the answer is to put an end date for how long she can live here. And I’m scared of her reaction, as well as scared about what is next for her.

Advice? Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Misty,

I feel for you, as I am also a stepmom with a BPD stepdaughter.  A difference though was that I didn't know my stepdaughter had BPD when I married her dad.  Her BPD behaviors emerged a bit later, when she went off to college, at about the same age your loved one with BPD is right now.

A question I have for you is whether you and your partner are on the same page.  That is absolutely critical.  In my case, my husband and I weren't always on the same page, and it became a dynamic of making him feel like he was CHOOSING between his daughter or me, and I was choosing between living in chaos/angst/financial stress or peace.  Now, even healthy relationships will be challenged by BPD behaviors, because BPD behaviors can be both extreme and seemingly illogical.  Think suicidal threats and gestures, violence, long-term unemployment, stealing, constant yelling, messiness, passive-aggressiveness, entitlement, use of illicit substances, police involvement and a negative aura almost 100% of the time.  The pervasive negativity and crisis-management can really strain a relationship, and your home can feel like a war zone.  It is much easier to get through this if you are unified.  But I'll be honest with you, it's not always clear what the best (or least-bad) course of action might be, because BPD behaviors can really test your limits, and "conventional" parenting doesn't seem to work.  For example, if your stepdaughter is violent or uses illicit substances in your home, are you prepared to kick her out?  Is your partner?

I guess another dynamic is that BPD often seems like a moving target.  Maybe your stepdaughter can move in and act reasonably well for a time.  Maybe she promises she'll work part-time, or help around the house, or go to her therapy sessions.  But BPD comes with wild moodiness, and even the best intentions get thrown out the window.  One day she's doing a course online, and the next day she's getting in trouble and landing in the hospital.  It's like she takes two steps forward and three steps back, over and over again.  Adulthood only makes her missteps seem bigger and more dangerous.  I gather that you've seen a bit of this already.  If your stepkid isn't getting treatment and taking it seriously, I fear that it will not get any better for you for a while.  And you have to think very carefully about the difference between support and enablement.  Parents on this site struggle with this all the time.  I know I do.

After reading these boards for several months, one impression I have is that the 20s seem to be the most tumultuous.  Maybe in the 30s and 40s, the issues can lessen a bit, if only because the loved one with BPD lives somewhere else.  I guess what I'm saying is, brace yourself, and think really hard if you want to commit to having your stepkid live with you.  I might even caution that it could fracture your relationship with your partner.  It is possible to make it through the turmoil; I've survived.  But maybe you think about this:  You cannot save your stepkid, and your love won't cure her.  Only she can decide for herself to get professional help and do the hard work of therapy.  Indeed, you can help provide an environment that is conducive to her getting help, and you can certainly be a key partner in helping her on the way to a healthier, happier life.  But it is not up to you to save her, only she can do that.

I'll close with this advice:  be sure to take care of yourself first.  You are no good to your stepkid or your family if you are completely frazzled.  Your kid might decide her life is worthless, and she could be determined to destroy it and the lives of everyone around her.  Please don't let her take you down with her.  A more positive way of framing this advice is to say that I think you should model for your stepkid what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes taking care of yourself, enjoying friends and hobbies, and being prudent with your finances.  Please don't let her rob you of that.

[Sancho]

You mention SD moved in with you about  a year ago. You also say that you are making plans - engagement and moving in together.

Would you clarifying what the situation is now and if there will be a different situation once you get engaged etc.

SD would now be around 19 and has been in your life for 8 years or so - would that be right?

Also I am assuming she has moved in with you because she turned 18 and was able to make up her mind where she lived. Up until then what was the arrangement re spending time with you/her dad and being with her mother?

Sorry for all the questions - just to get a clear idea.

[Misty93]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for the thoughtful responses and questions. Let me clarify a bit about the situation.

I met bonus daughter (BD) when she was 10 years old.
I gave birth to my son (BD's half-brother) when BD was 12 years old.
7 months after that, I left their father.

He totally cut contact between me and BD several months later. So she and I had no contact for about 4.5 years.

When she turned 18, she chose to move out of his house and in with me and my son (now 6).

The 3 of us live together now.

As for BD's biological mother. They were estranged since BD was ~3 years old, and got in touch after she moved in here, however, bio mom has several other kids and lives in a different state. They haven't seen each other in-person since BD was a toddler.


My current partner (*not* her father) and I have been together for a little over 2 years now, and we live separately. But he and I are going to get engaged and we would like to move in together in about a year.

I believe he and I are on the same page when it comes to her now, yes. As of this last June (3 months ago) I realized many of the things about the living arrangement were NOT working for me and were not sustainable. I wrote up a living agreement which clearly lays out the conditions for BD continuing to live here, which include:
- She must attend therapy and psychiatric appointments
- She must take her medications as prescribed
- She must be working and/or in school
- Respectful communication, no volatile behavior (door slamming, yelling, etc)
- She is responsible for her own groceries
- She must complete her daily and weekly chores
- No guests unless they are pre-approved by me, and they also meet certain requirements
- No substances (including alcohol, nicotine, etc) inside my house at all

Etc.

It also lays out exactly what I will do in the case of violations of the agreement. E.g. if she forgets her chores 1x, I give a reminder, if it happens a few times, we need to have a sit-down conversation about it and that may require we get her therapist involved, if it becomes a pattern then the living situation is unstable and we need to talk about the transition plan.

I see that she is trying in many ways. For example, she is working and she walks to work (~1 mile) without complaint now. She has respected the major rules - such as substances/guests - I believe because those are the ones with the steepest consequences.
The chores, groceries, etc.......are ongoing areas of difficulty, which may be true for most teenagers, and I think more so for teenagers with BPD.

Thank you again for listening and caring 

[Sancho]

Hi Misty94
Sorry for the 94 - it' just the three on my keyboard is not working!

Thanks for the detail. It's a very different scenario to the one I had imagined.gh

You have done really well - and so has BD in sticking to the house rules and getting herself to work etc. It sounds as though BD is quite high functioning ie able to hold down a job and to get herself to work etc. She sounds much less impulsive then my DD.

 Has BD been diagnosed with BPD and what do the meds target - anxiety, depression, mood swings?

My concern moving forward would be how BD reacts when your plan comes into play. How does it work now? Does your partner stay at your place and how does BD get on with them?

BD is clearly attached to you and you have been able to address issues that have come up. You have done amazingly well! Sorry that I end up with more questions! It's because people with BPD attach to someone, and when that person has a normal relationship with another it can trigger huge abandonment for the person with BPD.

My gd's had every second week with her dad, then he re- partnered. It was not good, but gd was beside herself when they decided to get married.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind posting with how you see the interaction of BD and your partner atm? I think  testing the water, looking for reactions etc would help set things up for a smooth transition.

[Misty93]

Hi again,
No problem about having questions. They help me reflect as well. Thank you for taking the time again to share and follow up. I’m so sorry you’re also dealing with impulsivity and attachment turmoil etc etc with your loved one(s), too.

To answer your questions:
- BD has not been officially diagnosed with BPD. She has been diagnosed with Bipolar (not sure if 1 or 2), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD.
- current meds are Lamictal (mood stabilizer) and hydroxizine (anxiety/sleep). They do seem to help quite a lot when she takes them regularly, which she has been.
- her interactions with my partner were full of snarkiness, rudeness, and were at best transactional for the first year or so of her living here. She raged at him the one time when she came home from the hospital. Since then, she’s apologized, expressed remorse, and I see her lately making a real effort to have genuine conversations. She asks him for advice sometimes. She’s stopped with the snark, and although she does get jealous at times when he and I spend time together, she and I have talked about how when she makes it hard for me to spend time with him, it means I don’t get the support I need and I feel isolated and controlled. She says (and I believe her) that she understands and does not want to do that to me. I’ve agreed to let her know in advance as much as I can weigh I have plans with him, and she doesn’t pitch a fit when I do spend 1-1 time with him anymore.


Here is the update over the last couple of weeks:

- I got engaged a few weeks ago and although she did express some fear and jealousy, overall she is happy for us and looking forward to the wedding itself.

- I gave her the move out date of July 1.  She was quite upset at first, triggered abandonment feelings, she protested/guilt-tripped/etc but i have held firm.

- she has since expressed that she feels badly for her reaction and for all the times she’s treated me badly, and that although she is scared of moving out and of being lonely and without me, she knows it’s the right step for her. She doesn’t want to end up dependent on me and me resentful of her.

- she broke a major house rule and per our living agreement, the consequence for that was the move out date was moved up to May 1. She cried and expressed remorse - she did not explode, or gaslight, or lie about what she did.


Overall, although I do still often feel hyper vigilant in my own home, I also see her growth and I feel hopeful about there being a plan in place for her to move out (we are meeting with the transitional housing director this week to talk about details).


Currently, she is trying to quit vaping, so….needless to say I am NOT excited for the moods/irritability/other symptoms of that which are about to ensue. But I think we can get through it.

I have learned in the last year+ of the importance of boundaries and expectations being extremely clear and consistent. It’s so hard and there are so many days when I wish it was May already so that we could have more healthy distance and so I could fully relax in my home.


But I do see her growth and while I know BPD can’t necessarily be “cured,” she has come a very very long way especially in the last 4 months.

[Misty93]

Oh I will also add. Yes she has a job currently though very part time and seasonal (it will end in a couple of weeks). I know that is probably a lot more than many parents here and I am very grateful for it.

Really, though, this only was upheld consistently since June when I made it a condition for her living here. Before that, she went periods of months at a time of being unemployed.

She does not do well without structure. A job has been a HUGE step in her feeling more confidant and connected.

Given her job is about to end, she knows she must either like up another job, or participate in a structured employment program, if she does indeed want to live here. It’s looking likely she will do the latter as I haven’t seen her take any steps to line up her next job…

[Sancho]

Hi again,
I have to say I think you have made great progress. It seems you understand DD and have good communication together.

You have a timeline, and there is a lot of positive thinking around the move – ie another step in a journey to independence. There is the challenge of the job finishing and putting something in it’s place but overall you are doing an amazing job.

I just have one thought – you probably already have thought of it! Looking ahead to the move – a huge transition and a time of feeling alone etc. I am thinking to plan regarding lots of aspects of living by herself such as planning her routine – and importantly a routine of contact that suits both of you. One thing I thought of could be having a regular catch up some place other than your home. It is something you could start before the move and it gives a sense of continuity after the move.

Just an idea. In many cases the focus can be on the move itself, and although anticipating the problems that can come with the move, it means having to respond ‘on the run’ after the move.

Just to say again congratulations on your handling etc of a very difficult situation!