Am I being Selfish?

[athena wanderer]

My question today is this:  At what point am I being selfish in wanting to maintain my relationship with my pwBPD and not respecting their wishes versus being a consistent attentive partner who is riding the "I love you, I hate you" wave?  I am beginning to believe / be concerned that I have moved to a space where I'm working hard for my partner to avoid the loss on my end, not because that is what they really want.

My partner and I have been through several difficult break-ups.  The most recent came after what felt like 6 months of bliss.  If I am honest with myself, we were unable and continue to be unable to resolve his major concerns regarding my place of residence.  He wants me to live with him full-time, be married and not work.  Because I have a daughter that lives in another town who has an active father, I cannot move until she is 18 which is 4 years away.  At one point in time my pwBPD and I looked for a place together, however his property has not sold now in over 2 years completely eliminating this possibility for the time being.  I would have to buy our new place all on my own. With this limitation I have been traveling back and forth every other week to live with him as much as I can.  Sadly I always feel some disconnection at the end of the week (which I've assumed is an object constancy issue . . .. maybe its just a human issue and I'm the outlier in being able to tolerate it).

My question came to a head last night as my partner has been all over the place with his reach outs and desire for a connection. We have been planning a 1-2 week vacation over the last week, and late last night / early in the morning he messages and asked me if we are going to have fun on our trip, then shares he's having some "hard thoughts" after which he says he doesn't think he wants to go, he hates me, and doesn't want to spend a dime on me.  I confirm that he has taken a gummy and said we will talk tomorrow when he's not gummied up.  He say's "ok" but later messages: "I'm gonna pass" meaning he's not going to go on the trip.

So today I'm wondering if I've been overwhelming his desire to truly move on and if I should simply say: "I don't think I've done a good job of accepting your expressed desire to move on in light of the fact that I cannot move in with you immediately and end our weekly separation.  You've expressed resentment that you're unsure you can get over. You're right, we shouldn't be together.  I was really looking forward to spending time together enjoying this trip but understand that in not accepting the many times we've broken up, I am just prolonging our pain. I love you and wish you all the best"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.