My HwuBPD has been “normal” for 30 days.

[JazzSinger]

I don’t know why, but things have been peaceful at home for 30 days.   It feels like a miracle, but I know there must be a better explanation.

I’m noticing that while he is no longer berating me, complaining, or being negative 24/7, that part of him has not disappeared. It seems like he’s exercising more control over it.  He’ll start to insult me, and then he’ll quickly pull it back and start joking around.  He’ll be at the beginning of a negative rant, but he’ll cut himself off. Sometimes, he will launch his most common complaints, but he’s much more low key with it, and the rants are much shorter.  Then, before he’s done, he turns the whole thing into something positive.

Unfortunately, I can still see his mean-spirited, narcissistic traits. It’s just at a much lower frequency.

This is the best part — I have been able to speak my mind, on anything and everything, in my own home, in his presence, without criticism or interruption.  There are no words to describe how good this feels.  I believe I’ve been numb for a long time.  I could only be myself around friends and strangers.  Now, I can be ME, at home. 

It’s a lot to take in.  I’m also very angry at him. I feel I’ve been abused like an animal in a cage — the cage being at home.   He’s managed to do the minimum, for years.  He cooks and he cleans, but that’s because he feels I’m a failure at it.  No one talks about this, but there has been no romance either.  So I got food, water, and a roof over my head (which I pay for myself).  How in the world did I put up with this?

Very recently, he suggested that it’s on me to rekindle our romance. Are you kidding me?

He’s caused too much pain. He still turns my stomach. 

This is a lot for me to sort out.  Thank God I am in therapy. 

All comments are welcomed.

Jazz

[Pook075]

I'm really glad things are better and I hope they stay that way for awhile.  Now is a great time to work on communication and talking through things that were off-limits before.  I wish you luck!

[JazzSinger]

I'm really glad things are better and I hope they stay that way for awhile.  Now is a great time to work on communication and talking through things that were off-limits before.  I wish you luck!

Pook075,

Thanks so much.  I too hope this will be long-lasting. 

Right now, my head is still spinning, as I have the presence of mind to review what this man has put me through.  Still, I am thankful for the peace. 

I vow that if he goes back to the way he was, I will stay as I am.  I’m stronger. I’m more aware.  I’m smarter than he is. And I’m healthier and more balanced.  He will never knock me down (verbally) again, without consequences. 

We live in a secure co-op with a doorman and an excellent security detail. If he gets so bad that he runs me out of the apartment, I will go to them.  I’m all about transparency now. No more shame. Every brutal verbal assault will be documented.  I’m done with being his punching bag.

It’s a process.  One day at a time.

 Jazz

[TelHill]

Hi JazzSinger,

IME with my late ex-h who displayed many BPD traits, this is love bombing. I had weeks of peace and loving normal behavior suddenly melt away replaced by anger and emotional/verbal/physical/financial abuse.  I could be wrong but it felt calculated so I’d continue to support him financially while being his freewheeling self. He stopped working at a good paying job a few years into the marriage. He refused to tell me what he did with all this free time.

Is he in a DBT program that you let him remain living with you? It’s worrisome that you’re relying on your doorman or anyone besides police and a separate residence to keep you safe. That means to me he’s capable of scaring you or at the very worst hurting you.

Your h is what he is. Again, there’s no changing his BPD short of a miracle or strict adherence and being totally self-motivated to follow a DBT program. No pushing on your part is ideal.

You can decide on next steps and see if he leans less on BPD charm and manipulation from afar. Being married doesn’t mean living together all the time. Living in two different places is ok.

[JazzSinger]

Is he in a DBT program that you let him remain living with you? It’s worrisome that you’re relying on your doorman or anyone besides police and a separate residence to keep you safe. That means to me he’s capable of scaring you or at the very worst hurting you.

Hi TelHill,

Thank you so much for sharing. 

My H is untreated and has never been in a program.  I don’t fear physical abuse, but I would be comfortable relying on our security team to work with me, and possibly contact the police, if it ever came to that. Its more than I’ve done in the past.   I will no longer allow him to be  around me if he appears to be having break with reality, or if the verbal abuse becomes too much.  In the past, I just waited it out. 

I don’t know what this peaceful break is. It doesn’t feel like love bombing.  He’s still his miserable self, but he’s not doing as much complaining, and he is no longer criticizing me and putting me down, 24/7. I can speak freely in my own home, without baseless arguments and bullying from him.  It feels great. 

If the monster returns tomorrow, I AM DIFFERENT NOW.  I think that’s the most important thing.  I’m navigating uncharted waters, but I am a STRONGER  swimmer.  I can deal with whatever comes next. 

One day at a time.

Thanks again.

Jazz