Adult daughter with BPD

[mom82]

 I am 3 years in from my daughters diagnosis and 30 years in trying to figure out what is wrong with my  once amazing daughter! She seems to be getting worse as she gets older and is now 43 and worse than when she was 18. She managed to function through with her personality, charm, and looks but that does not cut it any more. Her tongue is as sharp as a razor blade during her manic moments and cuts very deep....she ended up living in her car for 2 years and the last 8 months in various hotels which has sucked my bank account dry and not tenable. She had the opportunity handed to her to move to Florida and start over at her Aunts house and helping in their urban farm business.....got her on train last weekend after 3 tries and she made it as far as Penn station and turned around and came back....she is her own worst enemy. I told her the bank is now closed, the new chance off the table and I will always love her and of course she can contact me but she chose to come back to nothing and I just can't anymore. For 3 years she has survived and done NOTHING to help herself...she was handed every phone number and contact and agency to call and help by DTA etc.....too proud....so is once again living in her vehicle.....which I own and pay for. But I wont have her live on the street so that particular aspect I will ensure for her. I am so alone with this....people think she is just stubborn which she is but this behavior is so self destructive!! EVERY decision she makes is the wrong one....every time. I do not want to lose her but I can not continue this emotionally, physically or finacially....

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hearts17]

Hello, thank you for sharing your story.  What you are going through is so hard. Know that you are an amazing mother, and your daughter is only going to do what she wants to do (frequently not what we wish for them to do).  I think a great piece of advice I got was: you can not control your young adult child's choices. I wanted to get out in front of everything that I perceived was going to be an issue for my child (or actually was an issue) and help steer her the right way. I was finding that to be extremely exhausting and impossible.

As you said, you are providing something (the car/insurance) to a certain point, and that's it. That is incredibly generous of you. We have given our daughter certain allowances for living (she is in college right now, which is fortunate) but it will become her responsibility soon enough. We will be slowly transitioning over responsibilities to her and hope for the best. Hang in there as you decide what you need for your own peace...you have to protect you own well-being, too.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this, but at least you're starting to see that "the bank must be closed".  Not because you don't want to help, but because BPDs can easily see kindness and compassion as an admission of guilt.  Your help enables reckless behavior and prevents your daughter from seeking the help she needs.

In fact, she may even be convinced that her problem is you.  BPDs will blame everyone and anyone before turning the blame to themselves.

You mentioned handing her phone numbers, resources, places to stay, etc.  But she never did anything.  Why?  Because mom would buy her a hotel room, pay her car bills and try to fix everything that she tears apart.  Why be responsible for anything if mom will swoop in and save the day?  That makes it your problem, not hers, and she prefers it that way.

My point here is simple- you can't fix anyone else in this world.  Sometimes, we can't fix ourselves.  Only your daughter can make the decision to make real change and by keeping her off the streets gives her every excuse to never do that.  It's heartbreaking and I went through this as well.  Our main job as parents is to teach right from wrong though.  If she's wrong, then stop enabling her.

I know that sounds incredibly harsh but that's the advice I was given by an amazing psychiatrist...and it saved my daughter's life.  She was homeless for awhile, made every bad decision, but we stayed distant and let her know that she was making those decisions on her own.  We'd say, "Come home anytime...as long as you'll be kind and helpful."  She refused, so we honored her poor decisions.

But from that broken, dysfunctional cycle, she ran out of excuses and finally started looking within.  At 23, she took therapy seriously and by 24, she was a different person entirely.  She now holds a job, pays her own bills, and is genuinely a much better person BECAUSE we cut her off.  Our relationship is excellent today as well.