New to posting

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new to posting, but I have received huge, life-changing help from the posts I have read on this board. This is a wonderful group of people, and I thank you for sharing your stories.  My oldest child, my daughter (almost 20) has not been diagnosed officially, but she has exhibited classic behaviors and thinking of a person with bpd over many years.  She struggled with depression in silence for a time...held it very close to herself, and my husband and I became acutely aware that she was suffering on a random weeknight, as she texted saying she wanted to die (I was out with another child at that moment, and I still did not understand when I read that text...thought it was just hyperbole for a hard day at school).  I got home straight away and went to talk with her to find out what happened that day...next thing I knew there were police at the door as a friend of hers had called to make a request for a well-check. It was unreal. The low was related to a relationship gone bad...she started spiraling from there...very, very quickly and to great depths. This led to a journey which we now understand the depression and anxiety have been outgrowths of typical bpd thinking and behaving.  It's a long story, but basically right now I want to tell you all that if you are blaming yourselves, this awful disease has NOTHING to do with your parenting. My husband and I are happily married, we have always been committed to being the best parents possible. I stayed home with my children to raise them. We have a loving, stable home, dinners around the table, our children were involved in anything that interested them...sports, clubs, groups, church, they attended a great school, have had good friends and loving extended family...idyllic. No trauma. We are certainly not perfect parents, but we have given our children a very strong foundation in life, and continue to be committed to that. STILL, this insidious mental illness has come to my child. So DO NOT blame yourself...do not search for the moment that you created this, because you did NOT create this. Absolutely horrific. Nightmare. Its impact has been toxic to our whole household (to 2 parents, 2 younger siblings, and of course for my daughter at the epicenter).  For a good while, it ravaged our peace...I know it's taken years off my life (I joke that my telemeres are singed...like burnt, ), but we are getting back some peace now because things are different, and the things written on this board have helped us get there. It has been unfortunate but necessary that we substantially limit contact with our daughter...and she feels it's right for her, as well. I am looking forward to reading and posting more. This board gives me resolve to continue to do what is right for our family. Remember that you are not alone, and you are going to make it through, too.  May you see some light, even in the smallest way, today.

[hearts17]

I am new to posting, but I have received huge, life-changing help from the posts I have read on this board. This is a wonderful group of people, and I thank you for sharing your stories.  My oldest child, my daughter (almost 20) has not been diagnosed officially, but she has exhibited classic behaviors and thinking of a person with bpd over many years.  She struggled with depression in silence for a time...held it very close to herself, and my husband and I became acutely aware that she was suffering on a random weeknight, as she texted saying she wanted to die (I was out with another child at that moment, and I still did not understand when I read that text...thought it was just hyperbole for a hard day at school).  I got home straight away and went to talk with her to find out what happened that day...next thing I knew there were police at the door as a friend of hers had called to make a request for a well-check. It was unreal. The low was related to a relationship gone bad...she started spiraling from there...very, very quickly and to great depths. This led to a journey which we now understand the depression and anxiety have been outgrowths of typical bpd thinking and behaving.  It's a long story, but basically right now I want to tell you all that if you are blaming yourselves, this awful disease has NOTHING to do with your parenting. My husband and I are happily married, we have always been committed to being the best parents possible. I stayed home with my children to raise them. We have a loving, stable home, dinners around the table, our children were involved in anything that interested them...sports, clubs, groups, church, they attended a great school, have had good friends and loving extended family...idyllic. No trauma. We are certainly not perfect parents, but we have given our children a very strong foundation in life, and continue to be committed to that. STILL, this insidious mental illness has come to my child. So DO NOT blame yourself...do not search for the moment that you created this, because you did NOT create this. Absolutely horrific. Nightmare. Its impact has been toxic to our whole household (to 2 parents, 2 younger siblings, and of course for my daughter at the epicenter).  For a good while, it ravaged our peace...I know it's taken years off my life (I joke that my telemeres are singed...like burnt, ), but we are getting back some peace now because things are different, and the things written on this board have helped us get there. It has been unfortunate but necessary that we substantially limit contact with our daughter...and she feels it's right for her, as well. I am looking forward to reading and posting more. This board gives me resolve to continue to do what is right for our family. Remember that you are not alone, and you are going to make it through, too.  May you see some light, even in the smallest way, today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very sorry you're going through this and I had the same experiences with my BPD daughter (who's now 26).  We knew something was very wrong early on and she seems to be a severe case, but she took therapy serious a few years back and her life has completely changed. 

Today, we are close and have a normal father/daughter relationship.  She does still have bad days (and occasionally bad weeks) but the therapy has really paid off and how she reacts to those incidents changes everything.  She will seek help in productive ways, and she's fairly quick to apologize when she crosses a line.  This is a kid who never apologized for anything the first 22 years of her life.  It's really night and day.

If I could only give you one piece of advice, it would be to stay in communication with your kid and end every conversation with something like, "I love you and I'm always here for you."  When BPD is involved, you can't say that enough. 

As a parent in your situation, I used to say, "I love you but... (but you are so mean, but you drive me crazy, but you have to change your attitude).  No matter what I said after that "but", my kid heard "I used to love you but I don't anymore.  Here's yet another reason why..."  That's the core of the illness and it's heartbreaking, so always always always be positive and direct that you love her and you're always there for her.

Please feel free to ask any questions, randomly vent, whatever you need.  You're among family now and I'm glad you came out of lurking.  =)

[BPDstinks]

Hi! Oh my goodness, your words soothe my SOUL!  I will give you the quick version (as I have talked about this, in this WONDERFUL group and my AMAZING (new found therapist (who specializes in parents of children/young adults with BPD!) my 24 y/o daughter was diagnosed with (yes....a beast of a disease) BPD 3 years ago...the first year I did EVERYthing she asked (I won't bore you, but....such horrible stories, now that I look back, what a nightmare for HER and I can now admit, me) than, out of NOWHERE she cut ties with me, her father, her sister and the most shocking her 3 beautiful nieces (who she ADORED) (the story gets odder because fast forward she now "associates" ONLY" with my mother and sister who she DESPISED) in any case, I only hear from her via the occasional text (when she wants something) I send her cards and gift cards on holidays (I now leave physical Xmas gifts with my mother) (I sound "nonchalant" about it" only because I have become rather numb after talking about it) (the first year, I cried every holiday, Mother's Day was dismal and I literally could not get out of bed on her birthday) anyway!  I, too, pondered, how did i MISS this, I looked through years of pictures; I do not pretend to be perfect, however, we did EVERYthing together; I, patiently wait for the day, she might want to re-unite, however, she asked "for space" (3 years seems like aLOT of space) and said she will "reach out when she is ready"; so....your words comfort me; best of luck to YOU!