please help

[abcdef1]

i have an adult daughter, our only child, with what I think is comorbid BPD and Narcissistic PD. She is 29, divorced, with 2 kids. She destroyed her marriage (and calls her ex a narcissist... what a joke). Her divorce is not final since they argue over everything, it has been dragging on for years.She has become manipulative, creates constant 'stories' of what 'happened' between her and her father, she and I, and all ppl in her life. She pushes away everyone who loves her, all her friends except for a few (possibly 3). Her neighbors 'hate' her, she has refused all extended family support throughout the divorce and otherwise. BTW she is a social worker.who 'knows' everything about people and cannot accept responsibility for anything in her life, blaming us, her parents, her ex, her ex inlaws, etc, for everything wrong in her life. She also blames her schooling, teachers, religion, etc. She also is a very convincing liar. Last night was the end, and when I truly felt she does have this disorder. After letting us know she will not be spending any upcoming holidays with us (although she knows how much we want to see the grandchildren, and she lives in a different area about 2 hrs away) she flew into a 'rage' about something her father 'said' to her that day (I was there and it never happened!) and a password she could not get and then threw in my face about what an awful mom and dad we have been and how we are going to 'lose' her and her grandchildren. It took everything I had not to respond. I just said to her that she must get help, immediately, at which point she ripped her kids away from the program they were watching and stormed out of my house. They were crying and begged her not to go (they love it in our house bc its so stable and fun)... .IDK what to do. Hubs says distance, dont instigate communication, just keep everything light, and we are not losing her, she is losing US and we have to get off her merrygoround. But the grandchildren, i am so worried... .she is so unstable in every area of her life, and totally selfish as well. She uses us for money, support, and everyhting else and we always give it to her. She and those kids are all we have... please help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  abcdef1:   

I'm so sorry.  Your situation with your daughter sounds like tough.  It's common for people to change their level of communication with the disordered people in their lives.  Just because you go no contact (NC) for a period of time, doesn't mean it has to be permanent.  You can re-adjust your contact level down the road.  Some people change their contact level back and forth, as circumstances change.

She is so unstable in every area of her life, and totally selfish as well. She uses us for money, support, and everything else and we always give it to her. She and those kids are all we have... please help.

Setting boundaries with your daughter can be important. There are some helpful links in the margin to the right of this post.  If you look at the "Tools" section, you will find "Communicate Boundaries & Limits".  A window will pop up, after you read it, you will find a link at the end of the tutorial.  The 2nd link will add more detail (and then there is a 3rd link at the end of the 2nd article).  Check out the succession of links.  Setting boundaries with your daughter should be helpful to you.  Your daughter won't like them and may rebel.  If you are consistent with boundaries, she may eventually learn to comply.

You may want to set boundaries regarding how she treats you.  Perhaps when she asks for money, you might pay directly for some things that directly benefit your grandchildren, but don't just give her money.  When possible, you don't want to reward her for bad behavior.  She needs some motivation to finish her divorce and to quit relying on you to support her financially. 

Unless your daughter wants to change, she won't. The only thing you can do is set boundaries and manage the way you communicate with her and how you react. After you learn about boundaries, you might want to check out more of the links in the "Tools" section,

You might find this information helpful:
FAMILIAR FIGHTS: - Projection, Splitting, Emotional Reasoning and Blame

[Gorges]

Thank for this response.  I am going to take a break now from my own daughter.  I need to refuel.  Maybe she will want to repair the relationship someday but for now I need to get my bearings back.  It is not right to let one person's mistakes take all the time an energy of multiple people.  I am a teacher and need to be there for my students, colleagues and other children. I would say that I need to be there for my daughter but it just doesn't seem to work.  I offered to be there when she said she was struggling but she argues, insults and wants to do her own thing without consequence to how it affects other people.  Sorry about all the venting!

[abcdef1]

TY Naughty nibbler, OP here. Yes your post was very helpful and it is nice to know I am not alone. And Gorges I feel your pain exactly and will be taking a break from my daughter at this time as well. I need some distance now. She has not reached out since the last blowout and neither will I. I am sick and tired of being manipulated and made to feel insane, called a liar, when I know that she projects her own 'reality' into everything. I cannot tell her enough times (although I have tried) that what she is describing NEVER happened... so I give up. Now after having joined this new family, I do feel so much better and know that it is SHE who has the disorder, not ME. Thanks for the support.