It’s been 49 days of peace at home.

[JazzSinger]

During this period, a consultation with a lawyer has revealed I would gain nothing, financially, by divorcing my H. It would be tough. I don’t have enough to live on my own for an extended period.  It was a reality check.  Truth be told, I also don’t have the energy to start my life all over again, in my mid-70’s. 

I blew up at my H again the other day, restating my boundaries,  and complaining about some of the ugly things he’s said to me, repeatedly, over the years.  He still claims he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.  He says he doesn’t understand how repeatedly complaining about the same thing, over and over, for 20+ years, isn’t normal, and it isn’t easy to listen to.  He doesn’t get that constantly picking at every little thing I do or say, including my sneezing and coughing (which he hates), is abuse.  Clearly, he’s gaslighting me when he says he doesn’t understand.  Then, he said something he knew would annoy me — He made a some very crazy remarks  about a politician I like — Crazy, upside down things  he’s repeated over and over, for months, relentlessly, just to annoy me.  So I got annoyed and pointed out that this was an example of his abuse.  I also told him he seemed to enjoy  upsetting me.  He smiled and said,

“Maybe I do enjoy it!” 

I told him that’s abusive.  Then, he denied enjoying it.    I asked him how he could turn off the abuse for almost 50 days — Did it mean he was intentionally abusing me all along? He didn’t respond.  I think he’s a sick, mean-spirited individual.  But for some reason, he’s been holding back on the abuse. 

He then apologized for his behavior.   He wants to work on our marriage.    He said he knows I don’t love him anymore.  I didn’t deny it. 

I think I will just have to deal with this for now. At least weight has been lifted, because he hasn’t been abusing me for more than a month. But when he starts up again, and I know he will, I will call it out to him, immediately.  If he doesn’t stop, I’ll get our security team involved.  If he escalates, I’ll call the police. 

I’m not sure I have it in me to do much more than that, at this time.  At least he’s keeping the abuse in check, for now. If I were 30 or 40, with most of my life in front of me, I’d already be GONE.  But my sisters have passed away, as well as most of my support system, like aunts and uncles and close cousins.  I have no adult children of my own.  It’s not easy. I am grateful for therapy, my friends, and this community. 

[Notwendy]

Your feelings of resentment and anger at your H for his past behavior are valid. At this point I think it would help to focus on how to move forward. You have looked into divorce and seen that it doesn't benefit you financially and would ne a struggle. I don't think you are the only person in your age group that has decided that and somehow has to manage living together. Being in frequent conflict is stressful. How to best manage this in the most congenial way possible?

It's hard to know if he's gaslighting you or not. My BPD mother perceives things from victim perspective. If someone got angry at her for something she did- she didn't seem to process that. It does no good to blow up at her, even if it was something she did. You've had your say and I think it's best to just move on from there and not bring up past hurts- as you see, your H doesn't process it in the way one hoped it would.

In addition, if he has memory issues, he may not recall things accurately.

You can deal with his behaviors in the moment and still, it is best to not respond emotionally. With his memory issues also may be emotional immaturity. If he's saying things about your political candidate, think of this as like being in middle school where one of the kids is teasing the other kids to get attention. Maybe even the middle school kid who has a crush on you and does this.

You don't have to participate in these discussions. Say "well we just have to agree to disagree". Leave the room if he doesn't stop.

Same if he starts picking on you for sneezing. Say you need a tissue and go get one (even if you don't need one)- which ends the conversation.

What you want to do now is reduce the drama between you. We can't control another person but you can control your responses to him.

Even if, at best, the two of you are mostly "room mates" it's still worth it to try to be cordial with a room mate. Keep in mind this is for your own peace of mind. We don't need to like someone to be cordial to them. You can still have your own boundaries.

Be sure to protect yourself financially as much as possible. In marriage, expenses are often the responsibility of both people. If you see him making strange decisions due to memory or mental capacity issues- or impulsive, intervene as much as possible.

Enjoy your time and do things you like to do. If he's unable to manage meals on his own, or it gets to that, you can leave something prepared for him- not because you have to but because, it helps you have time on your own if he can manage by himself.  Think of how you behave with him as an investment in keeping your living space as peaceful as possible for you.

[ForeverDad]

Since yours is a long marriage, well over 10 years, here is something to consider but only if your spouse's Social Security income history is higher than yours and his SSA payment is higher than yours.  If you did divorce then I believe you could, as an ex-spouse, file to have your Social Security changed from your history and switched to his history.  (And as an ex-spouse he wouldn't even be notified, it's that simple.)  Of course, it's probably not that simple, but then again, maybe it is.  I wonder if that lawyer took that into consideration, if his is higher than yours and you're still getting benefits based on just your work history.

[JazzSinger]

Enjoy your time and do things you like to do. Think of how you behave with him as an investment in keeping your living space as peaceful as possible for you.

NotWendy,

I agree with you on all points. It’s time for me to move forward.  I have to invest in ME.  Keeping my living space safe and peaceful is part of that investment.  I need to focus on the things I enjoy doing. I’m also going to look for more actives I can participate in, outside of my home.  I’m not looking to run from him — I’m doing it for my own enjoyment. 

Thanks so much.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Since yours is a long marriage, well over 10 years, here is something to consider but only if your spouse's Social Security income history is higher than yours and his SSA payment is higher than yours.  If you did divorce then I believe you could, as an ex-spouse, file to have your Social Security changed from your history and switched to his history.  (And as an ex-spouse he wouldn't even be notified, it's that simple.)  Of course, it's probably not that simple, but then again, maybe it is.  I wonder if that lawyer took that into consideration, if his is higher than yours and you're still getting benefits based on just your work history.

Hi ForeverDad,

Unfortunately, my SS is considerably higher than his.  When I die, he can collect it.  Sad but true. 

Looks like I’ll have to try to live my best life, in spite of him.

Thanks. 

Jazz

[Notwendy]

It's a challege for sure but I think by doing things out of the house and having your own interests, that can help.

It's not possible to predict anyone's future. What I saw with my parents is that my father was the one to have care needs first, but BPD mother was not a reliable person to assist with them. She also mismanaged money. So in your situation it would be good to have a reliable person, not your H, be able to step in should you ever need assistance.

If you have any wishes for your personal items, like an heirloom, to be given to someone, do it now or make arrangements for them to have it that your H can't have access to.

Be careful to not place your well being, or financial well being, in the control of someone with mental illness. If a person needs assistance- the first person people look to is the spouse, and then other family because that is the "normal" for most situations. So to not have other plans in place- this would be the default.

[JazzSinger]

Be careful to not place your well being, or financial well being, in the control of someone with mental illness. If a person needs assistance- the first person people look to is the spouse, and then other family because that is the "normal" for most situations. So to not have other plans in place- this would be the default.

Hi NotWendy,

These are such wise words. He’s not a disaster with money, but he’s also not very good with it. I feel like I’m running the house, even though he contributes to it. He cannot cover me if I need help, financially, or if I am sick.  I have friends who will help if I’m sick.  Thankfully, we’ve not faced any serious financial crises, but if we did, I know someone I can go to.

It took me a while to realize that I cannot lean on him. He can never be my rock.  But the more I accept this, the better off I’ll be.

Thanks so much.

Jazz