Adult BPD stepdaughter left my home today in a rage

[CC43]

Hi everyone,

I guess this post is a vent as well as an update on the two-steps-forward, one-step-backward journey that is characteristic of BPD.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who has made a lot of progress after emerging from a deep pit of despair, dysfunction and multiple suicide attempts.  She started taking therapy seriously and turned her life around in a relatively short time.  She managed to finish college after a few extra years of online and part-time study, but she finished with honors.  She was able to work at a handful of part-time jobs for a few weeks at a time, but she had a tendency to quit early or get fired sometimes.  Even so, that was progress.  She also had some success in holding down a semi-stable, semi-independent living situation for around a year.  Nevertheless, the relationship with her roommates became strained, and she gradually left her apartment.  She started living with me me and her dad, initially a few days a week but eventually full time.  At first she lived with us to get free meals/laundry and some space from the "hostile" roommates.  Then she had no choice but to live with us full time because the other two roommates moved to a new apartment and didn't invite her to join them.  Surely she felt rejected by this, though it wasn't the first time she endured strained roommate situations.  In fact, all her prior roommate situations ended up badly one way or another, as is typical for BPD. 

Anyway, the "deal" with my stepdaughter was that in order to live with us, she had to work diligently towards finding a full-time job with health insurance benefits, and she had to be nice.  She was given the entire summer after graduation to devote to finding a job.  I think that was incredibly generous deal.  She didn't have to pay any rent or buy her own groceries.  She wasn't expected to work full time during the summer so that she could devote her energies to finding a good "career" job.  She wasn't expected to do any chores--which I think was a mistake, but her dad never expected her to do any chores growing up, so I guess that wasn't a deal breaker for me.  But the reality is that most of the summer, my stepdaughter spent more time on relaxation, travel and elective surgeries (financed by graduation money her dad gave her) than she did on her job search.  To be fair, she was pretty nice most of the summer, as she picked up after herself, didn't make noise late at night and refrained from using pot.  That was a vast improvement from prior stints of living with her.

Now I understand that job hunting is difficult, and facing rejection can be a challenge.  Her BPD negativity tended to hinder her on the job search, because she said she couldn't find anything she wanted to do.  She had a million reasons why she thought she wouldn't like various jobs, or why she thought she couldn't do them.  With some coaching, nudging and networking introductions from us, she eventually figured out a couple of potential job titles that she could aspire to.  She did get two or three introductory interviews.  But she never got any further than that.  There was one job opportunity she talked about that I suspect was her "dream job," but she never got called back.  I suspect she was devastated by this and lost hope.  At one point, she found a new apartment for herself, but she was surprised she was rejected by the landlord because she had no income, and that hit her confidence (I think she mistakenly thought that since she was an "adult," she could rent any apartment she wanted).  By September, she didn't have any more interviews, which suggests to me that she barely filled out any applications.  Her dad and I insisted that she buy her own health insurance, as her prior college plan lapsed, and she had a mini-meltdown about that, but she eventually got it done.  But she started to show signs of reverting to her previous unhealthy living habits, which include sleeping until afternoon, refusing to share meals with the family, leaving for hours without informing us of her plans and generally avoiding us.  I know that with her, when she's avoidant, nothing good is going on.

Recently she broke her bout of avoidance to ask her dad to help her retrieve various furnishings that she had put in storage, so that she could save money on the storage fees.  My husband did this willingly, spending the greater part of the day moving her things.  I asked him if she thanked him for his help or did anything nice for him in return.  He said, No, she didn't, she's really entitled.  (I happen to agree with that.  As an aside, I wonder, does she even know how to help out?  Maybe that's why she has trouble keeping jobs, because she waits to be told what to do, and she's generally passive, whereas employers expect people her age to be able to figure out what needs to be done, and be proactive, or at least helpful . . . that's what being a team player is all about, right?)

A couple weeks ago, my BPD stepdaughter became irate when her dad asked her to get out of bed in the morning.  He said something like, In this house we don't sleep until noon.  She had her "normal" blow up and didn't speak to him for a few days.  I said to him something like, Don't take it personally, she's frustrated with the job search right now, and she's sleeping late in avoidance, but you're right to ask her to get out of bed, we don't want her to revert to her unhealthy habits.

Well, this morning practically the same thing happened.  Yet this time, my husband's voice was meaner, and he yelled at his daughter to get out of bed (it was 10:30 am on a weekday).  She responded with swearing.  Since they both have very short fuses, the exchange erupted into a short argument.  Basically she said, she couldn't live with us anymore, she wouldn't tolerate being spoken to in that way.  She gathered up some things and got ready to leave.  I said to her something like, I know you're both upset.  Your dad is really worried about you, and so am I.  We love you and want to see you succeed.  She said, I'm feeling too much rejection right now.  I said, I know it's hard, but a job hunt comes with rejection, it's a numbers game!  If there are 100 people vying for one job, that means the employer rejects 99 other candidates, and chances are high that you're going to hear NO many, many times.  Try not to take it too personally.  Look, I've been rejected many times too, it stings, but it's part of the process.  If you want, I'm happy to help you on your job search as much as you want.  She said, I can't stand it here anymore.  I said, OK, we can go to the library or a Starbucks.  She said, no I'm leaving.  I can't take the way my dad treats me anymore.

I don't know where she'll go, but I presume she'll find a couch to sleep on for a couple nights at least.  She left her pet behind.  Maybe this isn't such a bad outcome, because I think it might be worse for her (and us) to endure six or twelve months of unemployment, half-hearted job hunting and freeloading.  But I'm bracing myself, because when she runs off in avoidance like this, it hasn't been good in the past.  I just don't know.  Ugh.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

My guess is that she will be back soon.

Understandably, we want our adult children to be employed and independent and we don't want to enable them not being. I have heard from young people recently that the job market is very difficult to navigate these days.

With online applications, sometimes they are screened by AI and not even read by a person. Rejections are inevitable and hard to receive, and I can imagine even harder for someone with BPD. Some of the stories I have heard from young people sound very discouraging.

To add a bit of narcisism to the mix, they may also feel a job is "beneath them" if they aren't interested in it. I also think that lacking executive function makes it hard to maintain a high challenge job and also jobs require relationship skills. It may be that a lesser challenge job is the better starting point.

If your SD returns, I think it's important to have the expectation that she is actively seeking a job but wonder if she may need some help with this- like a job coach or someone or a job search company to assist with navigating a job market that is increasingly automated and impersonal. This would also bring a third entity into the situation- rather than with you and your H who have an emotional connection to her.

[Notwendy]

I wish BPD was considered to be more like a learning difference than a mental illness- not because pwBPD aren't capable- they are, but I think they have more difficulties in how they function but it's not recognized. I think this contributes to their feeling of negativity about themselves.

I have a friend who has a daughter with BPD, and even though this young person is intelligent, she struggled in college. Eventually she got a 2 year community college- job focused degree and maintained that job better.

I agree with the standard that any adult child living at home must be actively pursuing independence in some way and also contributing to the household in some way, not necessarily financially but doing household tasks. Sleeping into the day, disappearing for hours is not acceptable.

But I also wonder if one needs to start with lower expectations and have success first- so to lessen the possibility of failures. Is there a way to widen the net in the job search? If SD is having difficulty finding career jobs with a 4 year degree, would a certificate program at community college lead to other job prospects? She may be overqualified for a fast food type job or waitressing but it's job experience. Are there any internships that may not pay much or at all- but can lead to employment?

Just some ideas from knowing pwBPD that, although they are intelligent, they have difficulty in applying this to actual tasks.

[CC43]

Notwendy,

I agree, I think she'll be back soon enough, when she runs out of couches and/or money.  I've also thought that she could use a job coach or life skills coach, but the reality is she basically has one already--her long-time therapist.  The core issue however is her BPD responses to stress and obstacles, basically avoidance/procrastination/fleeing on the one hand, and blaming other people for her problems on the other hand.

Indeed, I think she thinks that all sorts of jobs are beneath her.  But I think she really needs a starter job, because she just hasn't figured out proper work habits and approaches yet.  She needs lots and lots of practice.  I think she mastered studying, but not working.  My sense is that employers generally don't like her, because she gets let go, and when she's not fired, she's not asked back after her short stint.  She implied as much when I spoke to her for a little bit yesterday, when I asked her not to flee.  She said something like, "The XYZ shop isn't calling me to help out," when clearly that was her expectation.  Perhaps the shop doesn't need her right now, but I have my doubts about that, because it would be high season for the shop.  I think a more plausible explanation is that she's just not very helpful or proactive, and she has a generally off-putting and negative demeanor (like she is at home), so they would only call her as a last-resort option.  She has a hard time accepting coaching, let alone criticism.  I know it's hard to take sometimes, but it's necessary, especially in a professional work situation.  While it's true that some "grumpy" people succeed at work, they generally do so by being really skilled and/or efficient, and she isn't either of those things.

Maybe I'm being delusional in thinking she can handle a full-time job.  But she's an adult, she needs to learn to start to contribute and be self-sufficient.  I don't think her BPD is severe enough to prevent her from doing that.

[GaGrl]

My adult son has severe ADHD and struggled to finish community college -- he did finish but then had difficulty with university/upper division. He resists medication, doesn't like how it makes him feel. When I retired, he moved with us. My cousin, s social worker, suggested we meet with the state Department of Rehabilitation. They have a division that works exclusively with people with disabilities to get training and job placement.

In the end, the state paid over $16k for a 9-month certification course in Pharmacy tech and he now has a steady job with benefits at a national drugstore chain.

Might be worth seeing what your state offers.

[Notwendy]

Maybe I'm being delusional in thinking she can handle a full-time job.  But she's an adult, she needs to learn to start to contribute and be self-sufficient.  I don't think her BPD is severe enough to prevent her from doing that.

I don't think it's delusional but it may not be a starting point that has the best chance to lead to success on the job. It's a difficult balance between having reasonable expectations and not enabling. Because of my own observations of pwBPD, I lean towards GaGirl's seeing BPD as a disability like ADHD. Unfortunately, BPD is not an established category for accommodations like ADHD and autism are but I think pwBPD could benefit from similar supports. Since BPD can have co-existing conditions and symptoms like ADHD,  wonder if resources could be accessed with a secondary diagnosis of ADHD.

I worked with another young person with BPD for a while and even with my own familiarity with BPD (this was coincidence) and a good working relationship with her,  I found that she took a lot of emotional energy to work with. She needed a lot of encouragement and reassurance along the way. More than usual. If I experienced this with her, other co-workers would find this frustrating and not know how to deal with this. Employers would not want to. Even if the pwBPD is on their best behavior, they are still masking. This in itself is emotionally taxing for them. It may be that a part time job is more manageable for the pwBPD and their co-workers than a full time one.

I also experienced this with my BPD mother doing household tasks. She needed a lot of encouragement and reassurance.

There's also the distorted thinking. My BPD mother perceived people's reactions from victim perspective, even if they were reacting to her. I saw this in her relating to care providers in her elder years. At one point, she refused to cooperate with PT, so they discontinued it. Insurance won't pay for it if she person doesn't cooperate. BPD mother said "they kicked me out of PT" as if she didn't know why.

My friend's daughter is attractive. When she walks in a room, people notice. We were at a party with this family and she all of a sudden got upset and left the room. I asked my friend if she was OK and the friend said she thought everyone was looking at a small surgical scar she has had since childhood. It's barely noticable. Although she has the kind of looks anyone would envy- to her, what she sees is this one small imperfection.

How sad that someone sees themselves like this, but I think this is an aspect of BPD. I think on a job, they'd focus on the one mistake they made rather than the successes. They might need more successes than the average person to counteract this. In addition, I think they also project this. I could do several tasks for my BPD mother and yet, she'd focus on the one thing I did or didn't do that she didn't like.

Because of these observations, I think starting with lower expectations and building on successes may be more effective than starting with higher ones and less success. It may be that a part time job is more managable than full time, at least to start with. I also wish on the job coaching was available. The people with BPD that I know did respond to a lot of encouragment along the way, if it could be available.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I agree that my stepdaughter probably needs lots and lots of encouragement and reassurance, and the workplaces she tried haven't provided her with enough.  I think a main issue is that she's older now, and people expect her to have adult-level maturity, knowledge and skills.  I think it's unfortunate that she didn't work when she was a teen, when jobs tend to be easier and the stakes are lower.  Other teens in my family got experience doing all sorts of trainee, short-term, lower-stress jobs--dog walker, baby sitter, neighborhood lawn mower, camp counselor, pool monitor, amusement center worker, library assistant, classroom assistant, ice cream shop worker, country club worker, etc.  Then they "graduated" to internships and jobs requiring more skills and responsibilities.  She basically skipped that phase.  And since she now has a degree, she thinks that many entry-level jobs are beneath her.  But most of all, she thinks she wouldn't like most jobs.  She doesn't want sales.  She doesn't want customer service.  She doesn't want a job anywhere but in the expensive city where she wants to move.  She doesn't want anything that would require physical labor.  She doesn't want anything requiring analytics or knowledge of computer programs.  She doesn't really want anything "corporate," unless the companies are exciting to her.  She wants to work from home.  She wants flexible hours, but she doesn't want to work on commission.  Etc.  She's certain about what she doesn't want, but she doesn't really know what she wants.  She said she wanted to do something artistic, but she was adamant about not wanting to do any graphic design.  She said she wanted to "sell her art to museums," revealing a lack of understanding of the difference between museums and galleries.  I asked her if she wanted to try to sell her artwork on Etsy, and she didn't know what that was.  I asked her if she had any works she could assemble into a portfolio to show prospective employers, and she looked at me like I was speaking Chinese.  She said she wanted a job where she can relate with other people, and yet she wants to work from home, and she definitely doesn't want to do anything involving teaching or public speaking.  I thought she might try for something in the realm of beauty, and maybe even work in a salon or something, but she hates that idea.  She said she might want to help people in a war zone, seemingly without understanding that travel there is restricted.

I don't mean to disparage her--I think she has some real talents, and she graduated with honors--but her lack of experience in the "real world" is evident.  It wouldn't be so surprising if she were a teen, but at her age, she seems very, very naive about how employment actually works.  Add to that the drudgery of filling out applications online, receiving rejections or no response at all, and I understand why she's frustrated.  By the same token, when her dad and I have presented opportunities to her through connections, she typically turns them down, finding all the reasons why she doesn't like the opportunity, rather than seeing any of the benefits.  She seems to be holding out for a "dream" job that is probably unobtainable right now.  And the reality for her is, the hard part isn't getting a job.  The hard part will be keeping it.

Ug.  I have been watching this situation unfold for several years, and it's happening almost exactly as I feared.  Unrealistic expectations and entitlement clashing with real-world stresses.  I just wonder if she will find the inner strength to face reality and overcome obstacles, or if she'll have a self-destructive meltdown.  But leaving our home has increased instability for her and surely diverted her from the primary task of finding work . . .  unless a miracle happens and she lands a job ASAP and manages to rent her own apartment or sublet from someone.

[Notwendy]

I think the entitlement attitude is a cover for the deep insecurity. It was important to my BPD mother to maintain the appearance of being competent. She kept her car around way past the time she stopped driving because she insisted she could drive it if she wanted to. If she needed to bring something to a pot luck or bake sale, she'd have someone make it and then say she did. She could have made it but she was so fearful it wouldn't be good enough that she had someone else do it.

BPD mother completed a college degree before she married my father. She was very intelligent, book smart, but applying that intelligence to tasks- she was so anxious and insecure that it got in the way. This young person I worked with, she was similar. She did well in school but getting her through a task, her anxiety was very high.

I think the refusal to do something is a part of maintaining the appearance of competence and masking the anxiety. It saves face to refuse to do something than to admit difficulty or risk not doing it well or risking failure. This set up a chicken and egg enabling situation with my mother. If we don't ever do something, we don't get competent at it. So if she refused to bake something for a school bake sale and she got me to do it, (I had to do what she asked)  I became the better cook from practice and doing it for her enabled her to not do it.

The refusal to do something manages the anxiety over possible failure and then if there's no consequences, this enables this behavior. This is where it gets difficult. The idea of someone we care about being homeless or without food is not tolerable, so it's not a consequence. The person applying for a job doesn't have the incentive of needing the job for food and shelter to override the anxiety over possible failure.

My friend who has the daughter with BPD has walked this path. At one point, her daughter was homeless and on the streets, and in dangerous situations. As parents, they couldn't fathom this, and brought her home. She still requires some financial support from them in some ways, even with employment (she's about 26).  This is a family where both parents have higher education degrees. The daughter had emotional difficulties in a 4 year college but completed a community college degree.

With your SD, it may be that she's saving face. With her degree, she's overqualified for some jobs but with lack of work experience, that is a barrier to getting a job. Even for young people without BPD these days, the job market is tough. At this point, any job is beneficial to her. She's not in a position to choose. I don't know how to arrange this with her, but if she wants to come back home, I hope that this can be a requirement. Lower expectations may have more chance of success and be a possible stepping stone.

[CC43]

Notwendy, I agree 1000% with what you wrote, and I couldn’t have said it better myself.