Adult Daughter with BPD

[vek1964]

Hello everyone, I have an adult daughter with BPD.  She is 31.  I do not hear from her unless she needs something or is in a situation where she is scared.  Once she gets what she needs I don't hear from her.  She is my only child.  We were super close when she was little - I was a single Mom.  When she became 11 she was unbearable and it only got worse from there.  My strategy for survival at this point is to help her to the best of my ability when she comes to me - and then let go.  I expect nothing from her.  And that's pretty much what I get. However, I have built my own inner-riches over a lifetime so I survive off those.  I have my own inner-happiness. Other than that, there's too much to tell in connection with my entire story in a note so I'll just be on stand-by in case anyone has any questions I might be able to help with.



Gina

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm in the same position with a 26 year old BPD daughter.  It started getting ridiculous when my kid was around 11 or 12 as well, and it was at its worst around 17.  She took therapy seriously though and turned around her life at 24.  Just know that there is hope.

It sounds like you're doing everything right- you can't take your kid's distance personally.  I've learned not to as well and sometimes we go months without speaking.  When we do talk it's genuine father/daughter though and very little of the toxic stuff anymore.

Hopefully someday your kid will realize the need to change her life and take control of her disordered thinking.  Again, there's hope...so don't give up on it.

[js friend]

Hi Vek,

There seem to be quite a few simliarity from the description of your udd and mine. I would love to hear the rest of your story. My udd is also 31 and also the real problems started when she was around 11yo.
There were issues there before she was 11yo but they were mainly to do with interpersonal relationships. which I hoped she would grow out of which included struggling  to make and keep friends, stealing (again, from school friends) , jealously of others, accusing teachers of picking on her, and being bullied(This one was true).Some normal teenage stuff, some not so normal.
As she got older the behaviours esculated. She became THE bully (at school and home) created drama wherever she went, running away continously, told  the most outrageous lies, NEVER apologised and blamed others, made repeated allegations of abuse, hypersexuality etc

Family and close friends would often refer to her as being my "shadow" as she was growing up and she was loving and kind and thoughtful of others. Now she shows no empathy for others at all just self serving and manipulation, I believe that my udd also has an overlap of Npd and believes that she is superior to others. She often said that she wanted me out of her life for many years but when asked has never said why. We have now been estranged for 5years and now reinvented the past explain it away to include that she suffered growing up because of MY mood swings (Funny thing is none of my other children remember me as being that way). I know that she is "projecting" when she says these things so I dont have issue with her saying them, I just feel that it is just so sad that as she may have replaced all the good memories that we share of all my children  growing up with this new made up reality just to not to be forced  have to look introspectively

[js friend]

I meant to add that the Lc for me with no expectations I tried it many times even if it was a very limited time (ie  handing over the gc) caused me so much anxiety and stress that it was affecting my health both mentally and physically.  For me it has been far more easier to just let go.

I have let her go with love.