Trying to navigate and set financial and emotional boundaries - *advise needed*

[Lost73]

 I am new to this forum and just stumbled on it accidentally.  I am a mother of a 22 year old who has BPD.  I am at a complete loss as to how to move forward.  I will give you some background history first about our relationship.

When my daughter was 15 she was diagnosed with anorexia, she battled this disease for 3 years and almost lost her life to it.  She has always struggled with relationships and has never been able to hold on to friends or romantic relationships.  Her friendship relationships are always brief and never last long.  I am the only relationship in her life that has truly lasted.  She has made zero effort to maintain her relationship with her father or twin brother or any other family members, yet she blames everyone else for not maintaining the relationship (they have all truly tried).  When she finally decided that she wanted to get better from anorexia, she did just that.  However she could not get out of dodge fast enough, and she packed her bags and moved to a different country with a guy she met on an online dating app. 

She enrolled in school there and started a new life, however, she had no financial means to maintain this life.  I gave her access to my visa card and allowed her to use it for what was supposed to be essentials.  She rented an apartment that was way beyond her means and used my visa to pay the rent at this place.  Each time I unlocked the card it was supposed to be for food or school supplies.  She racked all 3 of my credit cards this way.  She knew my fear of her not eating would get to me and I would relent and give access each time I stopped it.  She used the card to pay rent, book trips, and car rentals for fun.  Fast forward to $95,000 in debt later and I am now in a debt repayment program and we almost lost our home.  She ended up getting married to this guy she met despite all our advise not to do so.  Last year she got pregnant and she went through with the pregnancy.  Two months ago she and her husband separated and now once again we are trying to navigate the chaos she has created for herself.  She is living in a foreign country and has no relatives or anyone in her corner, no green card.  She needs lawyers to help her navigate the system there and she needs her own transportation and apartment. 

Of course we love our grandchild beyond measure and want to help them out, but I am at my breaking point and do not know where to turn anymore.  We have sent her over $12,000 already this past month to help offset lawyer fees.  She is working in a well paid job, but says she can't pay the rent this month or keep up with bills and is looking for more money.  I have given her every penny I have and she is giving me a major guilt trip for not giving her more.  I no longer qualify for loans or credit cards.  My retirement savings are all gone trying to pay down the debt I am already in.   I don't know how to deal with her anymore.  Last night she sent me a picture of herself and she is so thin again.  She is asking for another $1000 to help her this month with bills, she is saying that this is the least we can do as we are not physically there to help her.  We cannot physically be there because I used all my leave this year when she had the baby, as I went there to help her out and I travelled there again this summer at her request to babysit for 3 weeks and my husband did the same (we went at separate times to help longer).  I am obviously worried about her well being, but I have nothing left to give and I feel like a failure as a parent. 

Please if anyone has any advice on how I can navigate this situation I would be so grateful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Lost,

I'm so sorry for the situation you and your daughter are in.  Alas, what you describe sounds fairly typical for BPD, and the relational and financial dysfunction that can result.

Look, there are a few BPD behaviors that cause a lot of stress.  First is the victim attitude, which means your daughter believes that her problems are caused by others, not herself.  Because of this core belief, it's extremely difficult for her to take responsibility for her own life; rather, she has learned helplessness.  She's going to blame others, and especially you, for all her problems.  Thus in her mind, you OWE her money.  This means she will never stop asking for it.  In addition, since she hasn't really had to work for her own money, she doesn't live in an economic "reality."  She probably has no idea how outrageous $95,000 of debt is.  She expects you to deal with it, not her.  What does this mean?  You need to stop giving her any money that you can't afford.  You are responsible for you, and she is responsible for herself.  She has to start feeling the consequences of her own decisions, for her to have any chance of learning to live in the "real" world.  If you feel you must give her money, then I'd advise to give her things in kind, such as have food and baby supplies delivered to her.

Another self-destructive BPD behavior is impulsivity.  Maybe it's her high emotionality, her intolerance of distress, her proclivity for drama, or whatever.  But the result is, she's impulsive.  She wants everything NOW.  She's not willing to make sacrifices, or play the long game, or work diligently towards saving up for a better future.  She wants a fancy apartment, a wedding, international travel and other fun things TODAY.  For as long as you give her a credit card, she's going to spend it impulsively.  She's not going to save it for "emergencies," food or essentials, because in her mind, EVERYTHING is an emergency and essential.  I've seen this in my BPD adult stepdaughter--she has a really hard time differentiating between wants and needs.  Her priorities are all mixed up, with wants always coming before needs.  Or maybe it's her magical thinking, which is, if she satisfies her urge for the perfect apartment, the fun vacation and plastic surgery, then she'll be "set up" and "ready" to buckle down and do some work.  Yet somehow, that's not how things play out.  So here's the reality:  for as long as you enable your daughter, she'll prioritize wants before needs, because that's the way she's wired.

On these boards you'll see how parents really struggle with walking the fine line between supporting their adult child with BPD and enabling them.  I think of enablement as interfering with an adult child's growth and responsibility, by shielding them from the consequences of their poor decisions or behavior, typically through financial support, making excuses for them, or doing things they are capable of doing themselves. This dynamic prevents the adult child from learning self-reliance and coping skills, potentially leading to further dependency, a sense of entitlement, and difficulties in their personal and professional lives.  Does that sound about right in your situation?

On these boards you'll probably relate to living in a FOG--making decisions out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  You love your daughter so much, and you fear for her health and that of her baby, and so you feel you have no other choice than to bail her out all the time.  You don't want her on the street, right?

I'm not sure what to counsel you here.  My initial reaction would be to think that your daughter's first option is to move back in with her husband.  Why is she using a lawyer anyway?  If she's married, wouldn't she be allowed to work in her new country (is a green card or equivalent even necessary)?  My gut is telling me that she has a lawyer because she thinks YOU are going to pay for it, rather than working out her disagreements with her husband, or finding a more economical way to sort out their differences.  What would happen if you told your daughter, you're too deep in debt and there's no more money?  You will support her with love and advice, but you have no more money to give?  Maybe then she'd have the opportunity to show how resourceful she can be.  She's a mom now, she has to change her focus to providing for herself and her baby, not making you do it.

[js friend]

Hi Lost,

What an awful position to be in.

I think your udd is emotionally manipulating you hoping to keep you in a state of fear(regarding her health) to keep the money rolling in. I should imagine that your udd knew that your worry regarding as a child got her what she wanted and is now using this as a form as manipulation as an adult to get what she wants trying this tacticso you will need to be firm with her.

She needs to be told the true state of your finances. If it were me I would also ask her how much she could afford each month to pay back to help me clear the debt. If she has such a well paying job what does she do with her money??? If you have been unknowingly been paying her rent what has her own money been used for??? It is time that she needs to take accountability for her actions.  These are the questions I would be asking? Either way you have nothing left to give her. She should be offering to pay you back something even minimally every month!

Being an adult means taking responsibility for her and her childs life which includes budgeting. So far she hasnt done this because she has been using your money and it has been easy come, easy go as they say. If she says she needs support with the baby then she needs to be told that she needs to return home as you cant afford to travel because you have no money left. If she needs money for transport then she needs to budget for it rent.... budget for it, Utilities.....budget for it. Food.....budget for it and repeat this until she gets it that you have no money left. Even show her the paperwork if necessary!!!

And if she cant afford to live where she is then she needs to either find somewhere more affordable to live or return home.

[Lost73]

I should add that her husband had her evicted from their apartment and called immigration stating that he was no longer her sponsor.  He has major anger issues and has been physically violent and abusive to her and the baby. I had conversations with his family about his behavior, but they are trying to downplay the abuse and protect him.  He has his own issues and that along with her BPD was a recipe for disaster.  So now she is stuck in a bad situation.  She just started a new job when all this happened and had no savings.  She has 50/50 custody of the baby for now, but her situation there is precarious as she really has no rights right now, as she is not a citizen there but the baby is.  She could be sent back home without her child.  We are back on the hook for lawyer fees and helping her with expenses again to help her navigate the immigration and custody of the child.  I feel very torn between maintaining boundaries but at the same time I do not want to see her living out of her car or being sent home without our grandchild.