After two months of peace, my HwuBPD has started abusing again.

[JazzSinger]

Earlier today, my H was talking, and  I was  truly listening to him, intently.  Still, in my usual way, I was saying, “Mm-Hm,” at certain intervals. He BLEW UP AT ME. I tried to restate my boundaries by saying I could try not to do it (say Mm-Hm), but I probably wouldn’t accomplish it, because it’s  just a human part of who I am.  I said just meant that I was listening intently. I told him it was just a human part of me.  A habit.  He couldn’t accept my answer. 

He decided to Google as well as ask ChatGPT if hearing “Mm-Hm” was annoying.  He read ALOUD that it could be annoying, even if it wasn’t intended to be and the listener was truly engaged.  He went on to read about how he might  teach the person (me) to respond in a different way, and on and on.  Between reading, he would keep telling me how annoying it was. I got angry and told him that he probably would not be able to control my speech. I also asked him if he could stop going on and in about it, because I did say  I would try to work on it.  I told him he was annoying me and upsetting me.   He got angrier, and he kept going. 

He said I couldn’t  “shut him up.” He then went on to list my other “annoying habits,” like coughing, sneezing, and making too much noise when I chew nuts or chips. He said I have anger issues, and he told me I was out of control, because I was raising my voice.  He kept insisting that I have anger issues and that I was about to go off the rails.  I feel he was taunting me, but because I was not out of control, it didn’t work. Meanwhile, he was being very LOUD. 

He removed his wedding band. 

Apparently, I’m so terrible, I’m not worthy to be his wife, after 21 years. 

What’s amazing is that in 21 years, I’ve  rarely raised my voice in the house. Almost never.  Shame on me — Because I had lots to be angry about.  But I cannot count how many times he has yelled at me, criticized me, berated me, etc. All I did, for years, was try to keep my marriage together.  And I tried to keep myself together, with occasional therapy.  Now, my therapist is on speed dial. 

I didn’t like it when he removed his ring, but I’m so sick of him and I’ve been so broken by him, that he can’t hurt me anymore than what he’s already done. 

Eventually, he put the ring back on his finger.

You know what?  I think I scared him.  He saw that I didn’t  even flinch when he removed his ring.  He also threatened to leave for a couple of days.   I said, “ Go ahead.”

He said he’d sleep on the sofa.  I said, “Go ahead.” 

I meant everything I said. 

He doesn’t scare me.  I will no longer let him gaslight me and jerk me around. 

The only way I can go now is UP.

He even started complaining because when he asks me if I have seen XYZ (something he’s looking for), I tell him no, because I haven’t seen it.  But I always get a little nervous and flinch, because I figure he will follow up by accusing me of losing or misplacing XYZ, since prior to 2 months ago, I was getting blamed for EVERYTHING.  So now, he’s telling me he doesn’t like it when I flinch!  Meanwhile, it’s his fault!

The only saving grace is that it’s the first time he’s abused in over 2 months, and he’s not likely to come back at me anytime soon, because I’m NOT just “rolling over.”  I will NOT STAND FOR IT ANYMORE.  So lately, before this happened, he was kinda walking on eggshells.  I guess he couldn’t stand it — He obviously gets great satisfaction out of making me miserable. 

He’s impossible.  He’s a monster.   

I am very grateful for the support I have here.

Jazz

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I bet you'll remember that my husband (who doesn't have BPD but exhibits some BPD traits when he's stressed out) does the same exact thing to me.  You see, we don't do anything objectively wrong or purposely offensive.  He has to wait and pick on the silliest things--breathing too loud, coughing, sneezing, sighing, sitting the "wrong" way, making too much noise when cleaning, cleaning when it's not convenient for him, answering a question with too many words, answering the phone, sending or receiving a text message, looking at him, not looking at him, chewing, talking to someone else, going to bed too early, going to bed too late, preparing dinner "too slowly," whatever.  He'll shout, "Why are you sitting in that chair!?!?! You don't usually sit in that chair!?!?!, in a highly accusatory tone--as if he's tormented and suspicious unless I stick to the same exact daily schedule, because any deviation bothers him.  I assure you that you are not doing anything wrong, it's just that he's is super irritable, bored and probably insecure, and he's taking it out on you.  When you respond with calmness and factual retorts, he gets even more riled up!  If you exit the room, he might follow you, looking for a fight.  Since you know this sad routine, you're in a better position to protect yourself, and not take his insults personally.  I often say, You worry about you, and I'll worry about me, thank you.

Maybe the difference is my husband knows he's being a complete jerk, even if I do annoy him from time to time, and he'll eventually calm down.  Sometimes when he's calmed down, I'll say something like, Darling, I know you're stressed out, but it's really hard on me when you take your frustrations out on me.  I'm good to you, I don't deserve to be treated like that.  And then I'll try to make some suggestions that I think might help the situation--anything from helping to "reframe" his negative thinking about the current situation, to looking forward to something fun planned in the future, to helping him find more structure in his day.  For example, recently I checked out a volunteer position where I though my husband might be interested in working, and I sent my husband a link to the application.  Sure enough, he applied that very same day.  He wouldn't think of that on his own, but with a little nudging and encouragement on my part, he might proceed on a healthier/happier path.

I hope you stay strong.

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

I bet you'll remember that my husband (who doesn't have BPD but exhibits some BPD traits when he's stressed out) does the same exact thing to me.  You see, we don't do anything objectively wrong or purposely offensive.  He has to wait and pick on the silliest things--breathing too loud, coughing, sneezing, sighing, sitting the "wrong" way, making too much noise when cleaning, cleaning when it's not convenient for him, answering a question with too many words, answering the phone, sending or receiving a text message, looking at him, not looking at him, chewing, talking to someone else, going to bed too early, going to bed too late, preparing dinner "too slowly," whatever.  He'll shout, "Why are you sitting in that chair!?!?! You don't usually sit in that chair!?!?!, in a highly accusatory tone--as if he's tormented and suspicious unless I stick to the same exact daily schedule, because any deviation bothers him.  I assure you that you are not doing anything wrong, it's just that he's is super irritable, bored and probably insecure, and he's taking it out on you.  When you respond with calmness and factual retorts, he gets even more riled up!  If you exit the room, he might follow you, looking for a fight.  Since you know this sad routine, you're in a better position to protect yourself, and not take his insults personally.  I often say, You worry about you, and I'll worry about me, thank you.

CC43,

I certainly do remember.   In fact, I could’ve easily written the whole paragraph you just wrote, above. 

I too am unsure if my H suffers solely from BPD. I believe he’s a narcissist as well. 

I do realize I’ve done nothing wrong — I’d just gotten too comfortable, because he’d been so “good” for the past couple of months.  I know I did nothing to provoke him.  I get that he’s “super irritable, bored and probably insecure.”  And he’s definitely insecure.   

At least I succeeded in shutting him down by restating my boundaries, repeatedly.   He’ll stay quiet for a while now. 

  It’s definitely all about me.  It’s all about self-care now.  This is MY time.  If not now, when?

Thanks so much.

Jazz