Problem parent

[Parents! Get help here!]

After researching reviews on this site, I figured it was a good place to get support.  I read a lot of you post about "estrangement" and "separation with love" from your young adult (20's, early 30's) daughters.  I have been seeking permission to "separate with love" from my daughter for years.  Yet for years I was blamed for triggering her.  I talked too much, I talked too loud, I moved the wrong way, I talked about the wrong things.  My husband blamed me as a trigger and coddled her for so long it just "fed the monster" of her BPD.  My husband has since 100% come on board as our daughter moved from "maybe BPD" to "definitely BPD".  He has apologized but the hurt is still there and I am working on that. 
The problem is  she refuses treatment.  She refuses to be reevaluated.  She refuses to address her "I love you, now go away and maybe I hate you" approach to relationships.  We work with a counselor and have had what I would call interventions with her hoping she would get help but she refuses.  It affects her ability to work and everything.  I worry she won't be able to support herself when her lease runs out.  We are cosigners but won't ever do that again.  Since we are setting boundaries, won't let her stay at our home more than 3 days a month (she currently lives out of town - which is a whole other story- but comes home for Dr appts, etc.)  What happens when she has no where to stay?  We will hold our boundary but are so scared we are going to be seen as these terrible parents who won't let our daughter stay with us.  What if she is homeless?!!!!  Many get it, but some think we should sacrifice ourselves for her to have a place to live.  I can't though.  I just can't.  I don't think I could survive it.  Thoughts on my actual questions?  Thanks!

[Hopeslost]

After researching reviews on this site, I figured it was a good place to get support.  I read a lot of you post about "estrangement" and "separation with love" from your young adult (20's, early 30's) daughters.  I have been seeking permission to "separate with love" from my daughter for years.  Yet for years I was blamed for triggering her.  I talked too much, I talked too loud, I moved the wrong way, I talked about the wrong things.  My husband blamed me as a trigger and coddled her for so long it just "fed the monster" of her BPD.  My husband has since 100% come on board as our daughter moved from "maybe BPD" to "definitely BPD".  He has apologized but the hurt is still there and I am working on that. 
The problem is  she refuses treatment.  She refuses to be reevaluated.  She refuses to address her "I love you, now go away and maybe I hate you" approach to relationships.  We work with a counselor and have had what I would call interventions with her hoping she would get help but she refuses.  It affects her ability to work and everything.  I worry she won't be able to support herself when her lease runs out.  We are cosigners but won't ever do that again.  Since we are setting boundaries, won't let her stay at our home more than 3 days a month (she currently lives out of town - which is a whole other story- but comes home for Dr appts, etc.)  What happens when she has no where to stay?  We will hold our boundary but are so scared we are going to be seen as these terrible parents who won't let our daughter stay with us.  What if she is homeless?!!!!  Many get it, but some think we should sacrifice ourselves for her to have a place to live.  I can't though.  I just can't.  I don't think I could survive it.  Thoughts on my actual questions?  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can relate to where you're coming from.  I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who refused treatment for a while.  She didn't want to live with her dad and me, but she didn't want to carve out a life for herself, either, unless it entailed a "fantasy" life.  By "fantasy" life, I mean living it up, in luxury, travelling, with no responsibilities, and consuming marijuana daily.  Though she had dreams of earning a living by being "discovered" as an internet influencer, a top model or an artist, she was totally unrealistic and didn't make much headway in any direction.  You see, being an influencer means creating content.  Being a top model means dieting and being rejected from castings over and over again--and pwBPD have a very hard time with rejection.  Being an artist means creating a substantial portfolio of artwork for sale.  But she couldn't handle any of that, because it takes work, dedication, resilience and perseverance, which in her highly emotional and volatile state, she couldn't handle, not by a long shot.  She was extremely passive and expected the world to come to her, and when it didn't, she was heartbroken!  But I think that deep down, she had no idea who she was or what she really wanted, except to be a "princess," which isn't reality.  When she didn't get what she wanted, she blamed her family and ex-friends instead, claiming she was bullied and abused.  Basically she hopped from living situation to living situation until she was evicted, kicked out, or ran out of money that her dad had given her.  Eventually she'd break down and end up back at home with us, miserable.  Finally she hit bottom.  Though scary and tragic, she decided to take therapy seriously and managed to turn her life around.  Her life looks much, much healthier today, even if she's still a work in progress.  The key word though is progress.

Having said that, she is always testing boundaries, and she still hasn't quite figured out a way to create an adult's life for herself.  She recently spent several months living with her dad and me.  At first she was pretty good about her daily routine, and she looked for work.  But as the months wore on, her dedication lagged, and everyone knew it.  She started avoiding us, sleeping in late, disappearing without informing us of her whereabouts, and acting sullen and passive-aggressive.  She did not help out in the household one bit.  So her dad and I felt increasingly "used," like a free hotel service (but with no check-out time) and bottomless ATM, and I started to feel increasingly resentful.  I have nieces and nephews in their early teens, and they all worked most of the summer.  She is twice their age and worked very little, not even a cumulative total of 40 hours, even though the "deal" was that she would work full-time while living with us, so she could save up some money and eventually move out on her own.

Anyway, in an almost predictable fashion, one morning her dad yelled at her to get out of bed because it was late on a weekday morning, and an altercation ensued.  She gathered her things and left the home in a rage, saying she couldn't stand living with us anymore.  (This is typical behavior for her, i.e. running away from her problems rather than working them out--a flight/avoidance response that I think is typical of BPD.)  She blocked us and didn't tell us where she was going.  I assumed she would stay with a friend, or maybe pay for a hotel.  Around two weeks later she resumed contact, mainly because she had left her pet for us to care for.  We learned she was house-sitting for a few weeks.  I have no idea if she's working right now, or if she'll be back, or if she'll find some other interim living situation.  My best guess is that she'll be back.  But this time, I think the "deal" has to look a bit different.  I think she can't revert to living like a young teen in the house, free of responsibilities and having us pay all the bills.  I think she needs to start contributing materially, like an adult.  My challenge is getting on the same page as her dad, who tends to be a pushover.

I guess I have multiple points with this story.  First off, BPD is treatable, provided your daughter wants to get better.  Secondly, she probably won't want to get better for as long as you enable the status quo, for example by providing her accommodations, money, co-signing, etc.  Even if she seems miserable, in a weird way, things are working for her, and she can continue to blame YOU for all her problems.  Sadly, this victim attitude means she feels powerless and hopeless.  I think the only way to get her to stop blaming you is to gradually compel her to live in the real world, on her own, or at least PARTIALLY on her own.  Thirdly, maybe your daughter is more competent than you think, if you give her the opportunity to show you.  My BPD stepdaughter found a creative solution to her housing problem, at least for the time being.  I wish she hadn't left in a huff because of an argument, but I think she's showing some progress in taking charge of her own life.  If she stayed stuck and comfortable living like a petulant teenager in a child's bedroom, it's not good for her (or us) in the long term.  Finally, I think it's really helpful if her parents are on the same page.  This is easier said than done.

All my best to you.

[BPDstinks]

Hi! quick version, as I have talked about it so much, I am sort of numb!  My now 24 y/o daughter was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago, at first we nagivated this together; I joined a support group; read all of the suggested books, etc. I stayed over her apartment, she would text me allll day, there were 3 very sad and scary inpatient stays, she refused to eat once and I practically force fed her, etc.; than, 5/24/22! she just decided I "was too much for her"; has ceased speaking to me, her father, her sister, and her 3 nieces; in a very odd turn of events, she now associates with my mother (her grandmother), my sister and my niece (all of which, she did not speak to for decades); i see a therapist who specializes in parents of young adult children with BPD! I am making slow progress....feel remotely happy some days....i have a very hard time during the holidays and her birthday, but....I am always confused as to how this came to be....I look at pictures and card over the years and we were very close....anyway....I guess that is not much advice!  I guess I just want to say, you are not alone....BPD is a BEAST and I would not wish the repurcussion on anyone....hang in there "friends"

[Sammy Jo]

Dear Hopeslost,

I'm so glad you posted. It is excruciating to imagine yourself "letting" your daughter go homeless. Believe me - I am in the same boat right now. Like you, my husband and I have gone from picking her up from psych wards, bringing her home from college after two years, letting her live with us, subsidizing her when she was unemployed, partially subsidizing with rent and car insurance, etc. We finally realized from reading this board that we were continuing to enable her. We gave her four months' notice that we were cutting her off financially, not emotionally. That date was this past Sept 15. We live in Atlanta. My emotional limit to my husband is that I am willing to let her go homeless and live in a shelter (hopefully temporary), but I will not let her live under a bridge. Hopefully that will not happen, but she still will not come to live with us if it does.

A month in, we are just starting to see the effects of panic, i.e., she got fired, left her keys in her boyfriend's car, and had to pay for an Uber to a job interview b/c I wouldn't pay for the Uber. Of course, she blamed  me.

To answer your question, I agree with not letting her stay at your home. We decided that two years ago. The BPD outbursts of anger and blame made us feel like prisoners in our own house, and we agreed that she could never live here again. Once that decision was made, it was a huge burden lifted. So please don't feel guilty about that. Your life is worth living as well, without feeling like a prisoner in your own house. You still have to deal with phone calls and texts.

As far as so-called friends looking down on you for not letting her live with you, that's because they haven't lived your life. Unless you've been frank in sharing the horrors of BPD, they probably have no idea. You don't have to explain, but if you do, simply say that you fear for your mental and physical safety if she lives with you, and you have chosen to go down a route that is more beneficial to all of you.

The last thing I'll say that I've learned on this board is that until she wants to help herself, she won't. That is the ONLY reason I'm willing to let my daughter hit rock bottom. Hoping that she will begin to want to change. I wish you all the good luck and fortitude in the world.