Hello

[simplelife2026]

Hello.  I am new here and have been reading.  My adult daughter has BPD and Alcohol Use Disorder.  Her BPD showed up very early (even though children aren't diagnosed) and we struggled greatly from the time she was about 8 on.  I definitely probably made things worse for her while raising her because I had no idea what I was dealing with our how to parent her. She was finally diagnosed correctly at 22 and some of the medication helped for a little while. She is 24 now and I feel like my life has been stolen from me.  She was able to manipulate my husband for years and I was the "evil" one of her story.  Some parts are true.  The screaming I did back at her when she was a teenager etc.  I definitely was sucked into her chaos over the years and I still struggle from guilt.  I know that her 'initial trauma' came from the adoption process we went through - Birthmother to foster mother to us all within the first year of her life.  The problem is that I KNOW that I then contributed to  her pain and have gone with her to therapy, read everything I can, tried to communicate with her differently etc.  She just won't put the work in to therapy and she goes from me being her "favorite person" to....well, you know the worst person in the world.  She has made up stories and lies over the years of things that never happened.  I own my part in her life but I hate the lies that she "believes are true".  For instance, she says I locked her in her bedroom as a little girl.  I never did that....I have two adult sons as well who can attest to these things and have told her that she is clearly "remembering things" that never happened.  Anyway, My husband and I have somehow survived and are about to retire.  The enabling of her, her disorders has to end so he has finally gotten his eyes wide open.  The ATM machine has now been closed and she is truly hitting rock bottom. The rage, dangerous behaviors, impulsivity, over spending has been at an all time high for the last 6 months. I am so done....my boundaries are firm, I feel next to nothing but contempt for her now and then I feel so guilty for feeling that way.  I want my life back...or at least what is left of my time here on earth.  I have told her that I am not sure if I can forgive our last go around. The things she said and did were some of her worst yet!  She was arrested, sent to the hospital and then 30 days in rehab.  She is now out but going to live with her "soulmate" that she met in rehab.  I just can't be part of this anymore.....so now, I am actually going to do what she fears most and "abandon" her.  I just can't do this anymore.  I know from reading on this page so far that I am not alone so I look forward to reading more and hopefully on good days I can contribute to the group.  Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi and welcome, simplelife2026! (I'm also hoping for a simpler life in 2026, too)

When BPD is in play, it affects not only pwBPD (persons with BPD), but also people around them -- spouses, parents, children, siblings, friends... which is what you and your family have gone through for years. And yes -- pwBPD don't always help us to "bring our best" to conflicts, I get it.

You sound beyond tired, so I'm curious what your support system looks like right now? Do you have a counselor or therapist?

You mentioned your D24 also has alcohol use issues -- even if she doesn't think she has BPD, does she agree that alcohol is a problem?

And does she have any kids?

Family life with a pwBPD is a marathon for sure (my husband's kids' mom has many traits, and those have influenced how his teen kids interact with us... not easy). We're glad you reached out, so please keep posting and sharing whenever works for you. And again,

[js friend]

Hi simplelife2026,

I hope things will get better for you soon. I have been 5 years estranged from my udd31 and I remember literally praying every night to be able to experience some peace in my life before I died....thats how bad it was.

Many parents here also blame themselves for all sorts of things and Iam amongst them. My udd was very clingy as a young child, she was also jealous and possessive, was a great fabricator of stories and got upset if she wasnt the centre of attention. When she became a preteen I did all the usual things parents do to try to discipline an average rebellious teen. I even attended a course for parents who were experiencing difficulties with their teens and the other parents expressed  shocked when I told them what I was happening in my home.
What you have to remember is that our pwbpd have a serious mental illness and must be willing to put in the work with professional help to conquer it. You couldnt have known what you were dealing with unless you had come across it before (I know that I certainly hadnt) and  that we have tried our best with what knowledge we had at the time.