She brings out the worst in me

[At_My_End]

hello. I’m new here. My daughter, 14, is being considered for a BPD diagnosis, but I’ve been experiencing the symptoms for years. She started DBT a month or two ago but we don’t start groups for a couple more weeks. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of her lying, stealing, saccharine sweet behavior with an instant shift to hateful. I don’t feel safe in my own home. Everything I say is used against me. Nothing is her fault. My mother lives with us and told me today she thinks I need more help because my daughter is really wearing on me. I get it; I’m living it. But there truly hasn’t been anything I’ve found that doesn’t take a ton more time, energy, and money. I feel like a terrible mom for not wanting her in my home anymore but there it is. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

I know how taxing DBT traits can be but please don't lose hope. Your daughter is so young and with the right kind of treatment and support, things really can turn around. DBT can be good for both of you, so I strongly encourage you to lean heavily into those teachings and move forward modeling the kind of communication, behavior, and emotional regulation that you'd like to see from her. Also, if you have any "issues" of your own, work on taking care of those. She'll see you doing that and it will affect her in a positive way. She's learning from you, so control yourself even if/when she's out of control. Find a support system if you don't have one, and take care of yourself so she doesn't bring out the worst in you. It's not helpful at all. I know that this is all easier said than done, but it is doable. At 14, she may or may not actually even have BPD. Either way, a lot of headway can be made if she's getting the right kind of treatment and her primary caregiver(s) are a consistent, appropriate support. Aside from the group DBT you'll be participating in, do you see a therapist of your own? If not, I strongly encourage you to do that as well. Take care.

[js friend]

Hi At_My_End,

Your post reminds me so much of my first post here when my udd was also 14yo. My homelife  at the time was a living h#ll and I honestly had the same thoughts of either one of us having to leave home at the time. My overall advice is take it one day at a time because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and thinking of living that way for years to come is just so overwhelming and depressing. These are the things I did that didnt take a whole lot of time or money.

Reading up on the behaviours will help. whether your udd is dx'd or not its  the frequency of the behaviours that count.

For instance the lying... I felt that I could never have an honest conversation with my udd because she lied so much and I would get so worked up over it. We would go back and forth about it because I knew she was lying but she would NEVER admit to it. Morally I felt it was wrong and felt frustrated about it. What was the purpose even over trivial stuff? I just wanted her to admit it. Even with proof she wouldnt admit it, but it wasnt until I read that lying is a part of the behaviours associated with Bpd that I was  able to be not so invested in getting my udd to tell the truth and honestly my stress levels and b/p dramatically improved.

Applying boundaries also improved life and were important for me even if udd didnt like them. She rebelled against them but I stuck with them and once I started enforcing them we both knew that there was no going back

I also kept a diary around this time, but it was difficult to keep up with it as so much would happen in just one day, but it was there for me to record my thoughts and feelings. I felt that I had literally worn people out by talking about udd so much so put it to paper. It will also be a great way to look back and see just how far you have come and how you are much stronger and more resilient than you think you are. My udd is 31yo and her teen years was the N01 worse  period of my life (so far) but taking it one day at a time will get you through it.

I hope dbt works for your udd. My udd wouldnt try anything so their is hope there if she is willing.

I also think it is worth seeing a therapist of your own or if you can be referred by your gp for mental health support.

Also making the time to focus on yourself is very important too. I found I couldnt concentrate to read a book if it wasnt about Bpd, but I found long  walks very therapeutic at the time.