My fault

[SadBPDmom]

Hello. Thank you for accepting me into the group. I have a 31 year old daughter diagnosed with BPD.  She lives pretty independently with a roommate. She has pretty consistently cut off almost everyone in her life. She cut off most of my side of the family for various perceived offenses. I walked on eggshells for years in fear that I would be next.  Of course that occurred. My 92 year old father was dying and I asked if she wanted to be notified when it happened. He died while she was many states away at a music festival she had been talking about for almost a year. My husband and I made the joint decision to not tell her at that moment because we didn’t want to ruin her time.  Unfortunately a friend of mine texted her condolences. She was livid with me (not her dad for some reason). She claims her BPD is a result of neglect and abuse on my part.  I never abused her.  She lived an upper middle class life with good schools and probably a bit of spoiling.  When she became depressed in high school, we took her to therapy. Recently my husband pissed her off and now he is cut off as well. She is still in contact with some of my friends.  They sometimes tell me she’s posting concerning things like suicidal thoughts. Some of her remaining friends have reached out to me as well. I don’t know how to help her.  She has cut off the people most likely to help her. Tell me something positive or uplifting. This is just so hard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

I hope my response doesn't offend but what's standing out to me is that your daughter is 31 and you say you didn't contact her when her grandfather died because you didn't want to ruin her time at a music festival.... she had been talking about it for a year. Can you please clarify how close to passing her grandfather was before she left for the festival and you asked if she wanted to be contacted? How did she respond?

[SadBPDmom]

I’m not offended. I wasn’t clear. She had been talking about and planning the music festival for a year.  She had cut my parents off 2 years before my father died.  She would not have attended the funeral even if she had been home when he died. She just wanted to know when it happened. He began to decline about 4-5 months before he passed and that’s when I asked if she wanted to be notified. When he died, she was at the place she told me she was happiest.  We didn’t want to take that away from her.  In retrospect, it was not the right decision. But I also feel that if it wasn’t that, something else would have caused her to cut me off.

[js friend]

Hi sadbpdmom,

I think if pwbpd want to cut us off there doesnt always logically have been a wrong or wrong thing that we have done to deserve it..... we are just damned if we do or damned if we dont.

[CC43]

Hi sad mom,

It is very sad, but rest assured you’re not to blame. You did what you thought was best. You wanted your daughter to enjoy her life, if only for a short moment. The nature of BPD is to blame others when something doesn’t go as expected. My guess is that the festival wasn’t as fun as expected, and finding out about a death in the family was an excuse to blame YOU for ruining the experience, purportedly because she wasn’t informed quickly enough. Maybe she misinterpreted the kind gesture as being excluded or condescending, which is typical with BPD. A death in the family can often be triggering for pwBPD, given the highly emotional news and attention being temporarily directed towards someone else.  I bet she made a huge fuss about it all, in a misguided effort to reclaim the attention from you that she craves. But then she cuts you out, in an attempt to punish you for your latest transgression. It’s the seemingly never-ending drama of untreated BPD. It’s painful and distressing, but you didn’t cause it. I’ve seen this sort of routine play out a hundred times with the pwBPD in my life. Almost anything will trigger her, because she’s aggrieved, insecure, irritable and hysterical.

It’s frustrating because you can’t seem to help your loved one with BPD. But I think you can help her by remaining calm and loving. You can give her a time out when she’s furious, and let her know you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk to you again. In the meantime, you can model for her what a healthy adult’s life looks like, including socializing and pursuing hobbies. My guess is that she’ll be back soon enough.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi,

Welcome to the group. How are you doing today?

It's hard to know sometimes what the right choice is. It sounds like you had good intentions and you are probably right that she would have flipped out over something else if it wasn't this.

Condolences on losing your father.

[Notwendy]

It's not your fault that your D has BPD. You gave her a solid home and love as a child. There are no perfect parents. You know you didn't do the kinds of things she accuses you of.

How, or why, someone has BPD is not so clear. There's a combination of genetic predisposition and enviroment, but in the absence of known childhood trauma- we just don't know. Children can grow up in the same family and be different.

Blame, projection, and denial are an aspect of the relationship with someone with BPD. Their focus will shift on something someone did or didn't do and make that the "reason" for their own emotional distress.

I would visit my elderly BPD mother and spend the time doing things for her and yet she'd focus on one thing I did or didn't do that to her, and be upset about it and in the moment- that would be the "crime of the century".

Some situations are double bind, and I think the one with your D's grandfather could be one of them. PwBPD have difficulty managing their own feelings and so project them on to some other situation. Your D had her own feelings of sadness and grief over the news. Had you told her immediately- it's possible she'd blame you for ruining the music event.

Also, you were dealing with your own feelings at a difficult time. This was your father. Admittedly, I was not at my best, emotionally, when my father passed. Likely you were not either. I am sorry for your loss.

[SadBPDmom]

Thank you all for your kind words. My dad was 92 and suffered from dementia towards the end. Thankfully, he never forgot who we were. He had an amazing life and was suffering at the end, so we were all at peace with it.  Dealing with my daughter’s BPD is anything but peaceful. I know in my heart that we didn’t abuse or neglect her, but she has convinced herself that we did.  It’s just so hard to see her suffer and not be able to do anything. I hope she lets us back in.  It’s been 4 months since she spoke to me and now a week since she cut off her dad. She also lives 7 hours away which makes it more difficult. It’s comforting to see and belong in this community that truly understands. Thank you all again.