I am completely burnt out by my 21yo son

[MamaJo]

I am a single mother of 3 (M21, M19, F16).
I am a nurse and working really hard to keep a roof over our heads. My son has recently been diagnosed with quite severe BPD.. He still lives with me and I  am at breaking point.
My other 2 children are staying with their Dad, as it’s become too volatile in our house. My Son’s moods and behaviours have us all walking on eggshells. I feel so stuck.
I have found him support with a mental health hub after a rocky year that has included 2 suicide attempts, (that were not extremely life threatening). I have been going to therapy with him. But now feel so burnt out I just want him to leave. His abusive behaviour is mirroring my marriage, which I left for peace.
I am finding it so hard to reconcile the child that made my world, and the adult he is becoming.
I’m lost in this.
His father has completely written him off and won’t have him at his house. So I feel this all falls on me.
I will finish by saying, I’m not perfect, but I do everything I can to communicate with him in a respectful and supportive way.
Last night I had to record a conversation to make sure I wasn’t going crazy, it was just so horrible.
He accused me of being off my head on drugs all day, bc I take a small dose of SSRIs.
Sorry for the long post, I just found this site and really need advice and support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Holdinghope1971]

Dropping by to at least let you know you are seen and heard.  I'm new here too and am having a horrific time with my 20 year old son with BPD.  Our circumstances seem eerily familiar.  My son's father also had BPD and I finally escaped that relationship only to have current trauma from my only child's behavior.  My son's father told him a little over a year ago that he is worthless, is a waste of space on the planet, and he hasn't had anything to do with our son since then.  So, I too, am solo as a caregiver / supporter.

I'm afraid I don't have many answers, thus the reason I've joined, but sometimes it's comforting to know you are not alone in this.

You are doing the best you can under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.  It is also ok if you have reached the point that you cannot have him living with you.  Give yourself some grace if that's where you're at.  I know you will do whatever you can to make sure he lands safely elsewhere and will provide what support you can from a distance, if he'll let you.

Hugs!

[MamaJo]

Holding Hope, thank you so much for your response. It does help so much to know I’m not alone with this.
I try to explain to people the tug of war going on between my heart and head. I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point that I get scared when my son enters the house, just as I used to in the marriage… retreat to my room, go quiet, all the same coping mechanisms. I am holding strong to his moving out, and he is punishing me for it, but I have to protect myself from unravelling. I simply can’t afford to lose the plot.
I am finding peaceful times when he’s out the back, and I’m alone in the house, I have baths, clean up and play podcasts or music. I hope you have some self care routines, giving you some peace too.
Sounds like you, just like me, have endured a lot to get to the point we are seeking support from other parents.
Like you, I am holding on to hope he grows through some of this and becomes more like the funny, kind, witty kid I remember. Although, the more I read about BPD, the more daunting a diagnosis it becomes.
Hang in there Mama.