Hi Plue and
... you found the right place to talk thru your situation with people who get it.
Pain and confusion make sense for what you've been through... going from (essentially) "let's move closer" to "we're done forever" would give anyone whiplash. Understanding more about what characterizes BPD can help us navigate these relationships a little more effectively, as can really practicing and embodying new ways to communicate, beyond checklists and phrases.
Can I ask -- is BPD an "official" diagnosis for your GF? If so, how did she take the news (relief? Denial? Other...)? Does she still see the professional who diagnosed her?
You mention that this isn't your first breakup. What happened after the cheating incident -- how did you two get back together that time?
Keep reading, posting, & sharing here, as much as you need;
kells76
Hi Kells76,
Thanks so much for the welcome and the thoughtful questions. It really helps to process this with people who understand.
To answer your questions directly:
Yes, it is an official diagnosis. When she received it, I think she felt a sense of relief, actually. She said it made so many things click into place for her, helping her understand why she feels or acts certain ways.
Unfortunately, she is not currently seeing anyone. Her last therapy was specifically for PTSD symptoms related to sexual abuse from a previous partner. She found the exposure therapy incredibly difficult, to the point they had to pause it. Compounding this, she's in Sweden where wait times for mental health support are extremely long (she waited 3 years just to get some help). So, right now, she's navigating this without professional support.
You asked how we got back together after the cheating incident. It was really chaotic. She went through phases: sometimes reaching out consumed by guilt, saying she'd hurt the love of her life and missed me terribly. Other times, she'd block me or go silent for long periods, especially if I pushed too hard. It's notable that even then, she never really devalued me as a person; any criticism was more about the situation or my actions (the pushing), and it wasn't sustained. I eventually sent her a final email, laying out my feelings but stating I would respect her decision if she truly wanted me gone, wishing her the best, but asking her only to reach out if she genuinely meant it. She replied with a long email, promising to work on herself and heal, acknowledging me as "her person," and hoping the universe would allow her to be the woman I fell in love with, minus the trauma. She then reached out right before a vacation I had planned, asking if we could see each other. She flew to Switzerland for a week. We stayed in a hotel, talked extensively about everything. what went wrong, what needed to change and decided to try again, slowly.
Her PTSD and the associated therapy were a significant challenge throughout our time together. It was incredibly hard for her, creating difficulties for her individually and sometimes adding complexity to our relationship (e.g., she sometimes struggled not to associate past trauma with me as her partner). While this was a consistent difficulty, it wasn't the stated reason for this specific breakup. I also have to admit, looking back, there were likely times I could have done a better job validating her feelings during those intense periods and in general. There was also a recurring pattern where she could be naive about the intentions of some people (especially guys). I would voice concerns, she'd initially feel I was being controlling or mistrustful, but almost every time, my intuition turned out to be right. This cycle led to her feeling stupid for not believing me and guilty for hurting me.
Update Since My Original Post: She did reply and asked when my military service is done. I answered her with the dates (Nov 10-29) and reiterated that holding onto the items would be easiest given my military service and move preparations, but said we could figure something out if needed. She replied simply: "I'll keep them until ur done."
Where I Messed Up: Instead of just leaving it at a polite "thank you", my emotions got the better of me. I sent her a longer, heartfelt message
"Hey, I hope you’ve been doing okay.
I’ve been thinking for a while about whether to send this message, and I decided to because it feels right.
2 weeks ago, I got confirmation that I was approved for a flat I applied to a while back. It’s a big step for me, and it honestly made me reflect a lot on everything, about myself, about us, and everything in between.
I wanted to share it with you because you’ve been such an important part of my life, and I still care about you a lot.
No matter what, that hasn’t changed.
These past weeks have not been easy, and I’ve spent quite some time trying to understand things better.
I just wanted to be open about what’s been going on in my life instead of keeping it to myself.
I’m not sending this with any pressure or expectations.
I just wanted to be honest and let you know what’s been on my mind.
Take care."I realized after sending it that the timing was likely wrong given her current devaluing state and the clear signal of removing me in places, as well as the text being too much.
Since I sent it, she has reposted things like "understanding that the person you wanted isn't who they are." Today she then just replied
"Good luck with everything" and followed up a bit later saying:
"Tell Liam (mutual friend) to not add me on snap again" which he didn't.
This lowkey, personal devaluation feels so different as it never happened before. It's hitting hard. While I know reposts can be coping mechanisms and anger can be a shield, it's confusing and scary. I'm trying to stick to focusing on myself, but I'm struggling with the silence and these indirect jabs.
Why the intense personal devaluation this time?
Did sending my emotional message completely derail any progress? Is her message just her setting the boundary again?
What is the healthiest way to proceed now? Should I maintain total silence again? or do I answer and if so what?
Thank you for the help already!
