I’m DONE with him, so why can’t I kick him out?

[JazzSinger]

I know my HwuBPD has made my life a living hell, so why can’t I tell him to get out?

I’m not leaving — This was originally my apartment, and I love it. He moved in here. Now, he needs to GO.

But I worry that without him, I won’t be able to support myself, financially.  In fact, I’ve done the math.  I KNOW that barring a miracle, I will need additional financial support, if I throw him out. I will definitely need to put the apartment up for sale, sooner rather than later, and I will have to give half the proceeds of the sale to him.  Then, I’d be hard pressed to find a studio apartment that I can purchase for myself, with what’s left.

Also, I’m just a few years away from turning 80.  Many of my closest friends and relatives, including my dear sister, have passed away.  My support system is very thin. 

But are these just excuses? Or are they valid reasons for staying with him, but keeping firmer boundaries? I am confused.  People tell me I’d be better off living under a bridge, than living with him. People tell me just I’m afraid. Well, yes.  I am afraid.  I fear being stressed out about money. I fear being penniless, in my old age.

Still, I dream of living on my own.  It feels good.  I fantasize that somehow, I’ll be taken care of, and I won’t have to struggle, financially. And I’ll be FREE of him.

The only saving grace is that he no longer abuses me 24/7. In fact, ever since I blew up at him and set firmer boundaries, he’s only tried to get a rise out me a couple of times in the past 3 months, and it didn’t work. I stood my ground. I didn’t take the bait. I restated my boundaries. He knows I’m DONE. I’ll enlist the security team  in our co-op, or I’ll call the police, if he frightens me.

I feel empowered.  He can no longer gaslight me.  I’m not falling for any of his tricks. Im not afraid of him. I SEE him.  I’m appalled, disgusted, and disappointed with what I see.   I have no love for him now.  Can’t stand him.  Yet, we’re still living under the same roof. 

So, yeah.  I’m conflicted. 

But I am stronger.  So strong, that he’s holding back. He’s afraid to attack me. He’s walking on eggshells. I’ve turned the tables on him. I’ve been warned that he will eventually comeback with a vengeance.   When/if that time comes, I’ll call the police.  And if I am forced to shut him out and take a vow of poverty, I’ll do what I have to do. Indeed the meantime, I’m focused on self-care.  I’m getting out and doing things with friends, as well as on my own.  I don’t go down crazy rabbit holes with him.  Still, I wish I could just tell him to get out. 

Indeed, I’m confused.  Thank God for therapy.  I’m also very grateful for this community. 

JazzSinger

[TelHill]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It may depend how your h is helping you financially.  Has he paid for any part of this property before or now? Is the deed in both your names or just yours? Is he helping you with routine bills and food/clothing?

If he has not contributed much to payments for the property, I'd go to a lawyer to see if you can keep your apartment. I assume you are in a community property state but there may be laws to help you you if he's contributed very little. If you can,  you'd have to get a roommate and cut your budget to a bare bones one to save money in hopes of not needing a roommate forever.

If this is not the case, detach yourself from him. Sleep in different beds and spend as much time away from him as you possibly can. I did that with my ex-h during the last years of our marriage.

You may want to consider a 12 step program like Codependent's Anonymous to work on coping with an abusive person to live a more joyful life.

[Pinkcamellias]

Hi Jazz
I would consult with a divorce attorney and see what your options are? Apart from your condo becoming your marital home , has your husband contributed to any upkeep or upgrades ? Is he on the Deed? Where there is a will there is a way. Downsizing is not ideal but if it gives you peace of mind it may be worth it .

[TelHill]

FWIW,

I had DV from my ex-h and could prove years of financial malfeasance. He contributed less than 1% to the bills and downpayment of my property. His name was on  the deed though.  I endured DV for many years in my marriage and finally called the police. He was arrested.

With all the above and having my family law attorney help me, I was awarded 100% of the home in a community property state.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[JazzSinger]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It may depend how your h is helping you financially.  Has he paid for any part of this property before or now? Is the deed in both your names or just yours? Is he helping you with routine bills and food/clothing?

Hi TelHill,

The answer is yes, to all of the above. 

Since I posted, I decided to back my own decision not to throw him out (for now).  I think living with him is the lesser of two evils.  I am past the age of being able to earn more money.  It is what it is.  As difficult as it is to live with him, I think it’s the lesser of two evils.  If I’m being honest, I’d have a hard time lowering my standard of living at this stage in my life.  I’m just going to have to find more coping mechanisms. 

…detach yourself from him. Sleep in different beds and spend as much time away from him as you possibly can. I did that with my ex-h during the last years of our marriage.

You may want to consider a 12 step program like Codependent's Anonymous to work on coping with an abusive person to live a more joyful life.

I’ve been detaching as much as possible.  I have my own life, my own friends, my own interests outside of the home.  At home, I maintain firm boundaries.  To some extent, it’s like I’m living with a stranger anyway.  I never realized he could be so evil. 

Thanks for the advice on Codependents Anonymous. I’ll check out their website. 

And thanks so much for everything you shared. . 

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz
I would consult with a divorce attorney and see what your options are? Apart from your condo becoming your marital home , has your husband contributed to any upkeep or upgrades ? Is he on the Deed? Where there is a will there is a way. Downsizing is not ideal but if it gives you peace of mind it may be worth it .

Pinkcamellias,

I’ve already consulted a divorce attorney.  He said I’d  have nothing to gain financially, if I were to tell him to get out.  In fact, I’d have to live more modestly.

My H is on the deed and he has made contributions to everything.  I’ve thought about selling and downsizing(without him), but I would have to involve him in the entire process.  Also, I live in a very expensive city, but  I got in early and our monthly exposure is well under market value.  I’d have to move and start a new life elsewhere — New doctors, new friends, etc. Not a good idea for a woman who is pushing 80. 

I’m lucky to be here in a wonderful city where there lists of things to do is endless — I’m never bored. 

The divorce  lawyer’s exact words were, “You’re stuck”

But I don’t feel trapped.  I am making my life as interesting and fun as possible, and I’m detaching from my H more and more.  And I’m in therapy. It’s not easy, but I’ll make it — One day at a time.

Thanks so much.

JazzSinger

[JazzSinger]

FWIW,

I had DV from my ex-h and could prove years of financial malfeasance. He contributed less than 1% to the bills and downpayment of my property. His name was on  the deed though.  I endured DV for many years in my marriage and finally called the police. He was arrested.

With all the above and having my family law attorney help me, I was awarded 100% of the home in a community property state.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Thanks so much, TelHill.

This is encouraging. My H contributed zero to the down payment — I bought the apartment before we married.  But we did a refi together, to renovate the kitchen, and his name went on the deed at that point.  Nevertheless, I’ve been paying the mortgage and the maintenance— he’s not paid a penny on that, though he covers other bills in the home.  I was told that everything is marital property, and the fact that I’ve been the one paying means nothing.  Maybe I’ll try a different divorce lawyer. 

Thanks again for sharing.

Jazz