>Looking for answers

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I don't even know where to start. My entire life i have been in abusive environments so I do not know what "normal" feels like. I just know my current husband has some type of disorder. He has been forced to go to anger management by the military twice years ago for raging. His ex wife said he was verbally and physically abusive. I didnt experience any of this until I was locked in the relationship. But when I witnessed his first raging outburst, I was mortified. The perplexing thing is, it can be over the most insignificant thing, like asking him not to put his work bag on the counter because that is where we prepare food. That turned into a screaming, up in my face, trying to smack things out of my hand, saying the most hurtful things imaginable outburst. I've threatened to leave and he says he'll change and I do see he tries but then its like a switch gets flipped at the drop of a dime and he goes off again. He is so defensive, takes everything I say as a personal attack as if I stabbed him in the heart. He can control himself at work when people piss him off but he has no leash at home, yet he says he cant help it. Thats a lie because if he doesn't cuss people out at work, he does have control, it just seemed to be selective.  I know I have developed a trauma bond due to my past and I want to leave but I don't at the same time. and I am aware enough to know this isn't healthy. It has taken a toll on my physical and mental health for sure. He calls me the narcissist, the crazy one, "if i didn't say this he wouldn't act that way"  excuse shifting his behavior on me, like its my fault he punches through walls and calls me everything but my name when he's mad.  I'm actively seeking a therapist while he gives me the silent treatment. Its been 3 days now, he comes in from work, takes his shower and goes up stairs, repeat, repeat. No conversation whatsoever. He never takes responsibility and acts like nothing ever happened once we do finally start speaking again. I'm so exhausted, depressed and feel dead inside when all I want is peace. He was basically abandoned by his mother and given to his grandparents, hes cried talking about it in the past but claims it doesn't cause him problems as an adult. I find that hard to believe because every time I threaten to leave, I become the devil in his eyes which makes me think, he suffers from insecurities and abandonment issues. I dont know what to do. I travel for work so I am about to go on a 3 month contract but when I come home, its always the same sh*t. I live life in my own home on eggshells. I am so torn, he's a good provider and astoundingly thoughtful most times but there is no depth to our relationship, no intimacyoutside of sex, no emotional sharing. Its so confusing, I just feel so lost.......

[?Am I crazy?]

Hello. I don't even know where to start. My entire life i have been in abusive environments so I do not know what "normal" feels like. I just know my current husband has some type of disorder. He has been forced to go to anger management by the military twice years ago for raging. His ex wife said he was verbally and physically abusive. I didnt experience any of this until I was locked in the relationship. But when I witnessed his first raging outburst, I was mortified. The perplexing thing is, it can be over the most insignificant thing, like asking him not to put his work bag on the counter because that is where we prepare food. That turned into a screaming, up in my face, trying to smack things out of my hand, saying the most hurtful things imaginable outburst. I've threatened to leave and he says he'll change and I do see he tries but then its like a switch gets flipped at the drop of a dime and he goes off again. He is so defensive, takes everything I say as a personal attack as if I stabbed him in the heart. He can control himself at work when people piss him off but he has no leash at home, yet he says he cant help it. Thats a lie because if he doesn't cuss people out at work, he does have control, it just seemed to be selective.  I know I have developed a trauma bond due to my past and I want to leave but I don't at the same time. and I am aware enough to know this isn't healthy. It has taken a toll on my physical and mental health for sure. He calls me the narcissist, the crazy one, "if i didn't say this he wouldn't act that way"  excuse shifting his behavior on me, like its my fault he punches through walls and calls me everything but my name when he's mad.  I'm actively seeking a therapist while he gives me the silent treatment. Its been 3 days now, he comes in from work, takes his shower and goes up stairs, repeat, repeat. No conversation whatsoever. He never takes responsibility and acts like nothing ever happened once we do finally start speaking again. I'm so exhausted, depressed and feel dead inside when all I want is peace. He was basically abandoned by his mother and given to his grandparents, hes cried talking about it in the past but claims it doesn't cause him problems as an adult. I find that hard to believe because every time I threaten to leave, I become the devil in his eyes which makes me think, he suffers from insecurities and abandonment issues. I dont know what to do. I travel for work so I am about to go on a 3 month contract but when I come home, its always the same sh*t. I live life in my own home on eggshells. I am so torn, he's a good provider and astoundingly thoughtful most times but there is no depth to our relationship, no intimacyoutside of sex, no emotional sharing. Its so confusing, I just feel so lost.......

[ForeverDad]

No, you're not crazy.  Whew!  Isn't that a relief?

However you are in a distressing, perhaps even dangerous relationship.  I'll share some initial thoughts but be assured you found the right place to find both answers and time-tested practical solutions.

My entire life i have been in abusive environments so I do not know what "normal" feels like.  It would be wise for you to seek and select an experienced counselor, one who has dealt with abusive situations and is fully aware of the impact of acting-out personality disorders such as Narcissistic and Borderline PDs.

The perplexing thing is, it can be over the most insignificant thing, like asking him not to put his work bag on the counter because that is where we prepare food.  A person with narcissistic or borderline traits can have all sorts of triggers, some predictable, some not.  In some ways literally anything can become a trigger.  So even if you're very careful to avoid triggering your spouse, there will always be something new to catch you off guard.

He can control himself at work when people piss him off but he has no leash at home, yet he says he cant help it.  Likely since he's been forced to deal with anger management (a form of strict boundaries) in the past, he knows not to rage in public.  However, your marriage places you in a close relationship with him.  Private scenarios such as within the home or alone in a vehicle give him an opportunity to let loose his inner self since he is not expecting you to call him out or to have the authority to call him out.  He possibly feels he has control over you or perhaps confused and intimidated.

He was basically abandoned by his mother and given to his grandparents, he's cried talking about it in the past but claims it doesn't cause him problems as an adult.  While we have compassion for a person's difficult childhood - yours was probably difficult too - that is no excuse for negative behavior as an adult.  He can avail himself of meaningful therapy and potentially improve.  Sadly, it appears he hasn't learned any lessons from his past sessions with anger management or his prior marriage, so it is unlikely he will respond and improve now.

So what is left?  You can accept that what you see and have experienced from him is unlikely to change on his part.  That leaves YOU.  We here in peer support, as well as any counselors you choose, can walk you through making necessary decisions to set your life on the right track.  We can inform you, educate you and equip you with tools and skills to take charge of your future but... YOU face the choices and YOU make the decisions.

[?Am I crazy?]

Thank you so much for your i sight. I've never been fearful of him until 3 days ago. I actually haven't slept much at all the past 2 nights because I just have an uneasy feeling. I leave in less than 2 weeks so I think is probably a good time to focus on getting out of the relationship altogether. I'm sure he isn't suspicious due to the fact that I've threatened to leave before so I'll just try to keep the peace best can until I can leave.

[CC43]

But when I witnessed his first raging outburst, I was mortified. The perplexing thing is, it can be over the most insignificant thing, like asking him not to put his work bag on the counter because that is where we prepare food. That turned into a screaming, up in my face, trying to smack things out of my hand, saying the most hurtful things imaginable outburst.

Hi there,

You're not crazy, and you're not alone.  In fact, you're absolutely correct about asking not to put dirty things on the counter where you prepare food.  My husband used to put his shoes on the kitchen table and the cutting board, and I had to ask him repeatedly not to do this, because it was unsanitary.  He did the exact same thing with his dirty duffel bag, too.

I think you are right to ask him not to put dirty things in the food preparation area.  I bet your husband realizes that you are right and he is wrong.  But here is where distorted BPD thinking comes into play, which might go something like this:

He's embarrassed.  He thinks, you're a jerk for pointing out his mistake, his oversight.  He works all day, and he comes home to a total NAG.  Who are you to point out every little thing that he does WRONG!?!  You must think he's a total idiot.  That he's not good enough.  That he's basically clueless.  On top of that, you're telling him what to do, and he wants to do whatever he wants, regardless of the extra work created for you!  Well, he'll show YOU who's BOSS.  Nobody should criticize him in his own home.  You probably think you're perfect, so he needs to remind you of all your flaws, lest you ever think about criticizing him again.  He'll throw a fit so that you're completely scared to ask him to do anything ever again.  That will show you!  He'll purposely put his bag on the counter every day just to prove the point, that he's BOSS and he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.  Meanwhile, he'll accuse you of being controlling, hysterical, uncaring, narcissistic, disrespectful and unfaithful--things which are probably projections of his own shortcomings onto you.  He'll shout, slam doors, throw his weight around, maybe get right up in your face in a threatening manner, because he's acting like a bully.  If you try to explain and defend yourself--you were only trying to get dinner ready, you asked him nicely, it shouldn't be such a big deal to leave the bag in the front hall, office or mud room where it belongs--he'll rage at you even more!  You see, he misinterprets an ordinary request as a personal affront.  The more you try to explain and calm him down, the angrier he seems to get, because he thinks you are disrespecting him.  Does that sound about right?

I think that underlying this distorted thinking and over-the-top anger over inconsequential things is his deep insecurity.  Maybe he thinks you're too good for him.  Maybe he thinks he doesn't measure up.  Maybe he's just jealous that you seem to have your act together, have friends, do well professionally, etc., and he just isn't in the same place.  Whatever the reason, you seem to  trigger him whenever you undermine his "authority."  You think you're making a reasonable and logical request, and all he hears is criticism and condescension.  Since he's so insecure, he just can't handle it.  Does that make sense in your case?

If he has another outburst like this one, my advice would be not to JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  When he's all riled up, he can't listen to logic.  I think it's best just to be silent, also known as grey rocking--being as still and boring as a gray rock.  Exit the room in silence if you have to.  Give him an "adult time out," meaning time and space to calm down.

All my best to you.

[CC43]

P.S.

It could be that your husband is really stressed out right now, and he's taking it out on you.  If you notice that he's having angry outbursts more frequently and intensely than before, maybe something is going on with him that he hasn't shared with you yet.  People with BPD have a very hard time handling stress and disappointments.  They tend to take things very personally and emotionally, and they have trouble putting things in perspective.  A typical coping tactic is to blame someone else.  Moreover, when they are stressed out, they tend to feel traumatized all the time, and so they will have a trauma-like, fight-or-flight response to ordinary situations.

It sounds to me that your husband fought with you over practically nothing, and now he's retreating to the bedroom in avoidance, which looks like flight to me.  I bet he won't apologize because he blames you for the incident, and taking any responsibility is too painful for him.  I bet he's embarrassed that he was so cruel, that he lost control.  The best-case scenario is probably to pretend the whole thing never happened.  But if you were scared, you probably don't want to pretend it didn't happen.

[ForeverDad]

These dysfunctional relationships generally start well, an idealization phase, with only minor indications of issues until further into a relationship.  But the public persona shifts once the other senses that you have an increased level of commitment.  Such as getting married.  Or having a child together.  So after some time the other feels entitled to "let down his/her hair" so to speak and you then see the previously hidden side.  The demands start, control ramps up, criticism and blaming hurt so much, the outbursts (what we call extinction bursts shock and intimidate you, the unspoken intent is to get you to retreat from any behavioral boundaries you may have.

Many arrive here seeking a way to get the relationship back as it was before.  In some cases that may be possible, though how much recovery there might be cannot be assured in advance.  If the relationship cannot be made manageable for the long term, as you already sense that may be the case, then you ought to do what you can to protect yourself - your mental, emotional and physical health including your future.  Of necessity, your #1 priority is You.

[?Am I crazy?]

So an update:

He came home last night from work stating he is going to counseling, apologizing for his behavior while saying if I didn't say this or that, he would not have became violent. I jist sat there in shock. There is still blame placing on me rather than him fully accepting his actions/reactions are solely his responsibility. He has his first appointment today but I'm to the point where I am so angry at him for being blamed for his abuse that it isn't making me have any hope of recovery for the relationship.

[ForeverDad]

Besides writing a manual on how to protect yourself before, during and after a NPD/BPD divorce, William Eddy also wrote other books including "It's All Your Fault!"  People with these acting-out PDs have had many years honing their projection and manipulation skills.

Whether he will actually improve with therapy cannot be predicted from here in remote peer support.  There may be a glimmer hope here but caution is advised since promises are easy but the hard work is long term meaningful therapy, not just attending sessions but demonstrating lasting results.  You don't want to get trapped in repeat cycles of dysfunction.  Keep your options open and meanwhile keep in touch..