>Holy validation Batman

[MyMouse]

Hello (new) friends,

I’ve learned about this group from “walking on eggshells”, which I have been binge-listening to for nearly 6 hours today, while my ex (undiagnosed BPD) has our sweet, hilarious toddler for the day.

I’ll explain more another day, but in short: I’ve always known something was “up” (and down, and up again…) with my ex, and he shared a history of childhood abuse, along with obvious mistreatment from his troublesome father. Fast toward a few years and a baby, and things really derailed. Once I stopped sleeping and was chronically sick (as our baby’s primary caregiver) and he STILL could not take my requests for peace, balance, and his attending therapy seriously, I had to ask him to leave our home.

As you can imagine, things have only gotten worse.

Anyway, no one I know has anyone with BPD in their lives, and it’s exhausting to try to explain this “death by 1000 cuts”… the mistreatment, the drama, the accusations, the misrepresentations, the [broken] promises. I am grieving the life I thought I could have, and I am grieving my ability to breathe or relax. My central nervous system is ZINGING at all times, and I still am battling insomnia.

Thank you in advance for being here. I’m a very empathic person and I am heartbroken to learn more and more about the suffering he is also enduring. I don’t want to quit on him, but I recently read a quote that said “if you’re looking for me, I’m exactly as far away as you’ve pushed me”… and he has REALLY pushed hard. I didn’t begin to suspect BPD until after he moved out, but now I am convinced, and I pray daily that he will receive the inspiration to actually commit to healing and learning more, so we can all co-exist, and so that our daughter is never in mental/emotional/physical danger with him.

On that note, he has also taken legal/custodial action against me (my lawyer is flabbergasted), and I am quite anxious about what type of vindictiveness I may be facing.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Welcome to the group; you've come to the right place.  It's exhausting enough dealing with BPD, but with a toddler, it's taken to a whole other level.  Have you found that the more attention you give to your little one, the more testy and needy your ex becomes?  I think that could be because (i) he's also really stressed out by being a new dad and (ii) he resents any attention, time or resources you devote to anyone else but him.  Does he seem to punish you for living your life?  Is he uber-controlling?  Does he find fault with practically everything you do, even if you're just breathing or sitting quietly?  Does he hold sky-high expectations of others, giving precious little in return, and is he constantly disappointed when his expectations aren't met?  Does his behavior seem to regress to the level of . . . your toddler?  Does your ex blame others for all his own problems?  Has he lost most or all of his former friends?  Is he estranged from most of his family?  If so, that sounds like it could be BPD, or BPD traits when under stress.

Look, I think pwBPD who are untreated feel traumatized all the time.  Thus they are "primed" for a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary situations.  Every request or comment could seem like a personal affront to him, and his reactions are quick, disproportionate, seemingly illogical and out-of-control.  Does that sound about right?  On this site you'll find various coping tactics, but mine basically is, try not to get sucked in.  If you JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), he only escalates, because he feeds on any emotions you convey.  I think it's better to "gray rock"--be silent/calm, exit the situation saying as little as possible--and give him a "time out" until he calms down.  If he's insulting you non-stop, my guess is that he's projecting his own insecurities onto you.  Does he call you lazy, a slob, narcissistic, mean, controlling, uncaring, irrational, incompetent and hysterical, when you aren't any of those things?  It's probably because he's describing himself, not you.

As for the matters concerning separation and co-parenting, there are some experts on these boards whose posts could guide you.  From what I've read, some takeaways are to Document, Document, Document.  In addition, because pwBPD are more emotional than logical, you can't expect them to play fair at all.  I'd say that you shouldn't expect them to comply with parenting plans, either.  The experts here will advise you not to be generous, or any more fair than you have to be, because pwBPD will exploit that to get what they want.  They just have no emotional bandwidth to think about what's best for the child, let alone provide a nurturing, calm home environment.  You need to protect your toddler best you can.

All my best to you.

[ForeverDad]

he shared a history of childhood abuse, along with obvious mistreatment from his troublesome father. Fast toward a few years and a baby, and things really derailed.

Many here whose relationships crashed and burned, so to speak, reported childhood abuse as a factor in the other's mental health.  It's a factor but not an excuse.  One can always choose to do better despite the past.  But common BPD traits include, Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.  So it is not surprising that resisting meaningful therapy is so common.

In my case, my marriage gradually deteriorated over a dozen years but having a child immediately changed the dynamic from two people to three, and the relationship worsened from troubled to even more dysfunctional. 

I didn’t begin to suspect BPD until after he moved out, but now I am convinced, and I pray daily that he will receive the inspiration to actually commit to healing and learning more, so we can all co-exist, and so that our daughter is never in mental/emotional/physical danger with him.

BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and distorted perceptions, and impacts the most our close relationships.  Our experience has been that the person with BPD traits (pwBPD) will not or cannot consistently listen to us due to the emotional baggage of the close relationship.  Maybe, just maybe, your ex might be helped by an experienced and emotionally neutral therapist, but getting that to happen may be very difficult and even then there are no guarantees of improvement.

On that note, he has also taken legal/custodial action against me (my lawyer is flabbergasted), and I am quite anxious about what type of vindictiveness I may be facing.

This is very concerning.  You cannot ignore this threat - yes, a not-so-subtle threat - to you and your parenting.  Likely for him to be doing this, he has filed against you in family court, even made (unsubstantiated) allegations against you.  You cannot afford to be overly fair or magnanimous in agreeing to him having generous parenting authority and parenting time.

Whether you were married or not, the time-tested advice in William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is most excellent to help you avoid common legal pitfalls while ending a BPD relationship.  Again, if you obtain this inexpensive book, do so privately and confidentially.  This insight is for you, not your ex.

My own lawyer, though experienced and familiar with obstructing ex-spouses, did not care to read what I was learning about PD patterns, he eventually referred to her as merely crazy.  The courts are likely to order parenting classes for both parents but not likely to try to force therapy to fix poor mental health.  (Most of us never even learned whether our ex-partners were diagnosed, so that left us to make our life decisions based on the behavior patterns we experienced.)

The court orders established are intended to be "boundaries" to limit poor behavior.  This is where you need to be very careful and proactive, even with the initial "temp" order.  You need to walk out with the "least bad" temp order, protecting your parenting custody and parenting time as much as possible.  (Judges do not care whether you are fair or not, just don't be nasty.)  If you approach it with generous and overly-fair intentions, you will be sabotaging yourself and your parenting.