Child Abandonment

[AliceBigandSmall]

Hi all.  last year my BPD adult daughter's behaviour amplified.  She has a pattern of false accusations and a story of abandonment despite intense efforts by the family to support her and keep her stable.  She isolated herself, created more false stories (cancer, abuse etc..) and finally two months ago abandoned her two small children (after telling them false stories and terrifying them).  I really try hard to view her with compassion and I miss her (longest time without contact) but am also relieved to be out of the drama - then feel guilty about feeling relieved. I am so anxious over what her abandonment will mean for her daughters and my relationship with them but also fear what happens if she comes back into their lives.  Would like to connect with anyone who has grandchildren through a BPD child.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi AliceBigandSmall

I have a few questions?

Are you still in your gc lives?
What have gc been told about why your udd is not around atm?
Is your dd still in contact with her children?
Is this meant to be long term or short term?

My situation is a little bit different but I still think my gc may believe that I have abandoned them too which has always worried me and I have mentioned this in some of my posts about this affecting their mental health.

I have 3 gc, who I have not seen for the last 5years. My gc were quite young at the time of the estrangement so im pretty sure would have been totally confused about suddenly not having me in their lives anymore.

(youngest gc has been born during the estrangement and I have not met).

For me, I knew that the estrangement was possibly on the cards and told my udd's s/wkr about my fear of not being able to see my gc anymore because udd had done it before and I was told that unless udd agreed to go some form of mediation with me that there was nothing they could do to ensure that I could continue to see my gc.

Still I continued to try to keep in touch with my gc sending birthday cards( which I dont think they ever received)and as udd had changed her phone number again for the umpteeth time I decided to turn up on udd's doorstep one day hoping to see my gc which she was not pleased about.

I desperately wanted to see them at the time, but now I think how it was fate and  probably a good thing that they werent at home that day as it could have been really confusing for them( especially not knowing what udd had possibly been telling them) so putting my needs aside I havent gone over there again.

The possibly of your being in and out of your gc lives isnt a good thing and all I can say is to just continue to provide the  stability that your gc need if you are lucky enough to still be in their lives.

Hopefully your dd is getting the help she needs while she is away from her children rather that she has left to be with a new partner which I have experienced with my udd.

Either way it is difficult to see our gc being abandoned with the chance of it happening over and over again.

[AliceBigandSmall]

Thank you for replying. I'm so sorry you've been forced to become estranged from your grandchildren for so long.  I was very involved with my GC until a year ago when my BPD DD  isolated herself.  I am attempting to establish reconnection through their biological father who has them but so far have been unsuccessful.  Yes you're correct she left for a new partner.  She has stated it's forever and has had no contact with them.  They've only been told she left and nothing more as it's all still very new and I know the family is trying to get counselling for them and support at school to help them to process.  I'm struggling with so many conflicting feelings over it all and a profound sense of loss.

[Notwendy]

I know of a situation where I think this worked out best for the children. I agree- it's a concern and struggle for them to feel abandoned by their BPD mother but also, it's difficult when a BPD mother is present and an incapable/inconsistent parent, and the children are subjected to her behavior.

The father married young and his now ex with BPD was in and out of the kids' lives initually, then left for someone else. The father gained full custody. Some time later, he has met a wonderful and stable woman who loves the kids like her own. They have given the kids a stable home.

The oldest girl, now a teen ager, is going through the teen drama/sulky stage and now is in contact with her biological mother by text. This concerns me as the bio mother is more like a teen peer than a mother and I wonder about her influence but it's also offset by her father and her stepmother who are parents to her.

PwBPD tend to have unstable relationships. It's possible that the new relationship may not last. Contact with her ex and kids may be more off and on than not at all. The father will need to decide how to handle this if she returns. I don't know why contact with you is limited. It may be that during this adjustment and any legal proceedings, they are avoiding contact with anyone connected to the mother. I hope once this settles that there can be contact with you. It may be in the kids' best interest if the father has full custody and can provide a stable home for them.