Laughing

[dtkm]

Over the last 6+ months, my uBPDh has started full on laughing completely randomly, out of the middle of no where…and no one else around him thinks anything is funny. I have tied it to him doing so when he thinks I am having an affair with a person nearby. We toured a possible preschool for our daughter this morning. As we walked out, there was a man working in the daycare area, clearly I am having an affair with said man, just like the millions of other men that I am clearly having affairs with!  We get outside and he says that he will put my daughter into the car and then just about falls over laughing. I asked him what was so funny. He responded nothing, then continued to laugh. I asked him again, he responded nothing again. So I left it. He literally looks crazy. It’s to the point that my d11 says to me, “dad’s making up jokes in his head again” several times a week. Is this just a coping mechanism for his crazy made up stories or what is going on here?

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[Pook075]

Over the last 6+ months, my uBPDh has started full on laughing completely randomly, out of the middle of no where…and no one else around him thinks anything is funny. I have tied it to him doing so when he thinks I am having an affair with a person nearby. We toured a possible preschool for our daughter this morning. As we walked out, there was a man working in the daycare area, clearly I am having an affair with said man, just like the millions of other men that I am clearly having affairs with!  We get outside and he says that he will put my daughter into the car and then just about falls over laughing. I asked him what was so funny. He responded nothing, then continued to laugh. I asked him again, he responded nothing again. So I left it. He literally looks crazy. It’s to the point that my d11 says to me, “dad’s making up jokes in his head again” several times a week. Is this just a coping mechanism for his crazy made up stories or what is going on here?

For my BPD daughter, when she starts randomly laughing it's because she's thought something so vile, she knows it's not appropriate to repeat out loud.  And she has almost no filter, so if she thinks it's bad, then it's really going to be bad.

I've learned to just let her laugh and not ask, "What's so funny?"  It's almost always something perverted and twisted.

My BPD ex wife, on the other hand, would go through phases of being manic and depressed.  When she's happy, everything is perfect in the world and she smiles and laughs throughout the day.  It's not exactly the scenario you're describing, but this could also be an explanation- he's in a manic mindset and he's so happy because everything is "the best ever".

In either case, or if it's something completely different, your only options are to laugh with him or ignore it.  If he's happy, then at least he's not being a jerk....so I'd call that a win.

[dtkm]

Thanks for the response Pook, I really appreciate it!  The laugh is definitely more in line with your daughter, it is definitely not something nice that is going through his head. I have just let it slip without saying anything, with the exception of this past time as it was so strange and he was holding our daughter. This often accompanies the eye rolls, head shakes, etc…the issue is I often have no idea why he is doing all of this. I know it’s directed at me, because in the not so distant past, he would scream at me and make it known how mad he was because clearly I was cheating because “my hair was in a ponytail”, “I didn’t turn the light on in the laundry room when I did laundry at noon and there is a window in the laundry room”, “I wore a white tank top to work”, I went to work, etc. My tactic lately has been to pretty much ignore him and let him feel his feelings, but not respond, as I don’t want to even acknowledge the craziness. My h definitely has some sort of bipolar on top of the BPD, as he has his manic phases as well, where he is completely crazy, chasing the kids around the house, tickling them, eating a complete package of Oreos, candy bars and any other cookies in the house, not sleeping, etc. He is in DBT therapy and a mandatory DV therapy. I work on my part daily, but have started to notice myself getting frustrated more lately. Yes, things are better since he isn’t yelling at me or the kids, but the hard part is the crazy judgment is still there and coming oit is strange ways.

[Pook075]

THe is in DBT therapy and a mandatory DV therapy. I work on my part daily, but have started to notice myself getting frustrated more lately. Yes, things are better since he isn’t yelling at me or the kids, but the hard part is the crazy judgment is still there and coming oit is strange ways.

Here's the thing- a relationship is between two people who love each other and want a life together.  He's doing some work and you are seeing positive changes, which is all you could hope for.  My kid is BPD/bipolar as well and suspect the same for my ex- when they're happy, they're SOOOO happy and fun to be around.  The downside is reckless thinking...'let's jump over the couch to make the kids laugh' sort of thing...only to shatter the glass coffee table in the process.

You have a part to play as well and it might not be as abundantly clear since he won't verbalize it (because he literally can't).  First and foremost, he needs a partner that's on his side and supports him...and of course you do that.  Saying that to him though goes a vey long way in letting him know that the recent changes are welcome and you appreciate his hard work in therapy.

The other side of that is boundaries, which are for you. 

Boundaries are an easy thing to get wrong in the mental health world because we want to say, "Stop leaving the toilet seat up or else!"  And maybe we say that in a completely different way, but that's ultimately what the BPD in our lives hears regardless.  It comes off as a confrontational challenge that only makes things worse.

The right way to enforce healthy boundaries is when he crosses a line, speak about it directly and lay out the options.  For example, if he starts ranting and yelling, you could reply softly, calmly and say, "We've both had a tough day and I don't want to argue.  I'm going to go grab a drink and we can talk this out in a few minutes." 

This lets him calm down, it lets you refocus, and maybe the argument can be avoided.

But here's the other thing it does.  Every time he starts getting loud, you're telling him in a kind, non-confrontational way that you're stepping away for a few minutes.  And if it escalates, then maybe you bring the kids for ice cream or to visit grandma...that sort of thing. 

But whatever you do, you're making it known that he's fully in control- calm down, take a breath, and we'll talk.  Keep it up and I'm walking away because that's what is best for both of us right now.  It's him choosing every time, and you let him make that choice.

When it comes to odd looks and snide laughs, you need to decide if it's enough to make a boundary over.  For me, I'd just let it go, but sometimes it might not be possible.  It's something we'll always have to work though as we pick our battles and figure out how to express that they're acting like a child, yet we still love and support them.

I hope that helps!

[dtkm]

Thanks Pook, I completely agree and try very hard to lead with love with him, but I have my moments where it’s really hard to do so! I am striving to get to the point that you have gotten yourself to, leading with love, open communication, letting the “little things” roll off you, etc. I find when I am tired, that’s when I struggle really badly and really struggle to understand why he can’t see that I have been up since 4 am and out the door since 5 am and am totally exhausted and that then expecting me to make dinner, organize all of the kids things for school the next day after doing 2+ carpools is over the top…and makes me want to scream, but I just do it instead! And I want to make faces to him, but I don’t!  I think one of the reasons why the face thing gets me is because it’s kit justifiable and a 2 year old thing to do! I know it comes from his “not nice” personality, his entire body changes (mostly his eyes) and I know “I need to get out of here” fast…well that’s needed to happen in the past, but it’s what goes through my head.

[Pook075]

Thanks Pook, I completely agree and try very hard to lead with love with him, but I have my moments where it’s really hard to do so! I am striving to get to the point that you have gotten yourself to, leading with love, open communication, letting the “little things” roll off you, etc. I find when I am tired, that’s when I struggle really badly and really struggle to understand why he can’t see that I have been up since 4 am and out the door since 5 am and am totally exhausted and that then expecting me to make dinner, organize all of the kids things for school the next day after doing 2+ carpools is over the top…and makes me want to scream, but I just do it instead! And I want to make faces to him, but I don’t!  I think one of the reasons why the face thing gets me is because it’s kit justifiable and a 2 year old thing to do! I know it comes from his “not nice” personality, his entire body changes (mostly his eyes) and I know “I need to get out of here” fast…well that’s needed to happen in the past, but it’s what goes through my head.

Everyone messes up and that's completely normal- we'll never be "perfect" and that's not the goal here.  We can't have a relationship with someone mentally ill if the rules only apply one way.

For your typical day- up at 5AMnd on the run into the evening.  There needs to be boundaries there, but first there needs to be honest conversations that he can relate to.  When he's receptive and balanced (not unhinged, not acting manic or depressed), you need to talk to him about carrying such a heavy workload and how hard it is daily.  Because honestly, he probably sees it but doesn't actually realize how busy you are.

These conversations are walking on eggshells at first, because you don't know how he'll react.  It can't be about him though with something like, "I get up at 5AM and I need to cook dinner?  You should be doing it!!"  For him, that activates his fear of conflict or abandonment, which moves him from a calm state to defensive mode (as he starts an argument and finds ways to blame you).  It's not that he wants to argue, per se, it's that he can't handle that sort of confrontation without going off the rails.

Instead, you go with something like, "I've been so tired lately and my body really needs a break.  It's been so hard lately getting up at 5 AM and being on the run all day long."

Note, I basically said the same thing, but it's all about you and instead of blaming him, it gives the opportunity for him to be the hero by saying, "Hey, I'll order pizza for dinner and tell the kids to pack their own stuff for tomorrow!"  Maybe he doesn't even actually do more work, but he can understand those "I statements (I need, I want, I feel...)" so much better than "you statements (You never, You always, etc)".  One is blame, the other is building a connection.

Again, you'll get this wrong a lot at first because you're human and this is a different way of communicating.  Does that make sense?