Been a long time... but back again...

[FullMetal]

So, I've been dealing with my dBPD wife, and once it was confirmed that she knew about it, and was actually finally able to admit to herself she needed help.  (long story short, we went to marriage counselling, the lady we saw, was writing a phd thesis on chronic PTSD and links to NPD and BPD, and how CPTSD can be misdiagnosed as NPD or BPD, when the trauma needs to be addressed as well, rather than just the BPD... and as such had a lot of insight into a lot of things.  and our marriage counselling became a trauma counselling sessions for her. which really helped as well.)  She was also put on a bunch of medications, which worked great for the last 10 years, and she's become better, and more self-reliant.  There has been some slippage here or there... but this is about the latest incident,  we were packing up to come back home from a holiday, while packing, I was suddenly painted black for some reason.  I was taken by surprise.  And I admit I didn't react the way I should have. All I did was ask if she spilled water as I stepped into a puddle on the tile and slipped a bit, and was gonna just ask for a towel from the bathroom to wipe it up... and before I could even ask for the towel... Suddenly I was a complete jerk for even DARING to suggest she spilled water, it obviously wasn't spilled water, it had to be something else because she didn't spill water...  I haven't had a reaction like that in years.  I've had a few close calls, but never the gaslighting over something so minor, it went from "must be condensation, or a leak or whatever it is it's NOT water cause she only has water on her nightstand that she didn't spill it" ... I've learned to ignore a lot of the minor gaslighting she's told me the last 10 years, as most of it is unimportant things like, "yes I put my dish in the dishwasher" (as it sits on the coffee table). but this was a water spill, and I remembered her knocking her water bottle off the night stand the night before... so I was thinking it was probably that and no big deal.  but the anger and the hatred she exuded simply by me asking about it...

Guess it's just a reminder... even if everything is going smoothly for years... that switch can flip in an instant.  and don't be like me and get lulled into a sense of normalcy...  Just things were in such a routine, and I had everything under control.  but I never ever knew spilled water was one of her triggerss.

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[Under The Bridge]

Good to hear you've had 10 years of relative peace and normality, that's quite an achievement and long may it continue.

Regarding triggers, I think that's the worst aspect of having a BDP partner; never knowing what will set them off. We can plan for logic - ie not deliberately angering them - but when they take offense at something which to us, doesn't call for any offense to be taken or spmething we weren't even involved in, then it's truly frustrating.

My exBPD would take offense at all the usual things people have posted about; being jealous and insecure if I talked to other women, looking for the bad side of everything nice I said or did, etc but she would also paint me black over things I had no control of and that was the most annoying. If she'd had a bad day at work or argued with her mother at home then I was the one she took it out on. All part of the BPD illness but still hard to deal with.

She was a fantastic pool player and usually won a long string of games but when she eventually did get beat then I was 'the villain' and the 'I'm going home we're finished' routine would begin, regular as clockwork. This happened on the last day I ever saw her and was so intense that this time I gave her what she wanted and never chased after her again.

It's hard to always keep in mind that, even with treatment, that 'switch' is just one click away.

Regards

[Eagle7]

I'd never heard the term, "painted black" before, but it's exactly my experience.  My BPD wife is not diagnosed or getting help, and I deal with this type of "spilled water" scenario all the time.  Question: what's the best way to respond? I've tried validation along the lines of "i see this is very upsetting" and "it was not my intent" but that only escalates her. Only full confession and placating lowers the temperature, but it feels like I'm lying to myself.  Is there a better way?

[Me88]

I'd never heard the term, "painted black" before, but it's exactly my experience.  My BPD wife is not diagnosed or getting help, and I deal with this type of "spilled water" scenario all the time.  Question: what's the best way to respond? I've tried validation along the lines of "i see this is very upsetting" and "it was not my intent" but that only escalates her. Only full confession and placating lowers the temperature, but it feels like I'm lying to myself.  Is there a better way?

no those don't work. the 'I see this is very upsetting' makes them think you're talking down to them like a child or think they're overreacting. And oh boy....'it was not my intent', that to them seems to mean that you are not validating their perception and aren't empathetic because you cannot see and feel what they are. Nothing worked for me except for confessing, apologizing for things I didn't do, and laying out a plan for how I would communicate better next time as to not offend her.

There are resources on this site showing you the best ways to communicate during arguments. Get to reading. I got quite frustrated reading the guides because in my mind I was just agreeing with their lie that I meant to hurt them.