About my adult daughter

[White Rose]

Not sure what to write just yet. I'll just say that my other daughter and I just had a 3-hour long conversation about her sister, they're both adults by the way. Bottom line, BPD fits. I'm a bit in shock, have been in denial, and now I am ready to move forward.

Lots of tears, lots of anger and frustration over the years... for everyone involved. The future is scary; will she ever be able to live without those extreme emotions? How can I help her, support her? You know, all the usual feelings and questions.

Anyway, I just found this site, registered and then was asked for my 1st post.

See you all around, I will start looking around here and read now...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Gosh....I say "welcome" but....also, sorry you have to be in this club!  My pwBPD (daughter) was diagnosed about 3 years ago (I will save you the saga, as my story is not nearly as painful as some....she has ghosted our family & I hear from hear when she needs something (I probably sound "non-chalant"....I have talked about it SO much, I am just at the "Jesus Take The Wheel" point!) what has helped me....I joined NAMI (National Associational Mental (can't remember the I), (strongly recommend reading (ironically, pwBPD suggested these:) Stop Walking On Eggshells and I Hate You Don't Leave Me; I found a therapist who deals with parents of children with BPD; my main suggestion, try to hold onto your JOY (it has taken my 3 years of crying every holiday, birthday, etc.) and never blame yourself (I poured over pictures, cards, (how did I not SEE this?) I hope that helps a little? please feel free to reach out, if you like!  Good luck!

[CC43]

Hi White Rose,

I think your screen name stands for a fresh start and eternal love, which is fitting.  Welcome to the boards.  I'd invite you to take a look at some posts, and I imagine you'll read many themes which resonate.  There are countless stories here of years of tumultuous relationships, feeling shell-shocked, worrying, trying to get help, depression, resentment, alienation and grief.  Though each kid is different, there can be some predictable patterns of behavior with BPD.  Let me guess:  your daughter is excessively needy and struggling to make her way as an adult, even though she's smart and seemingly capable in many ways.  Her negative outlook, victim attitude and wild emotions sabotage her, as she destroys every important relationship in her life.  Sometimes I think the worst part of BPD is the victim attitude, because it renders her powerless over her life!  She's so busy feeling aggrieved and traumatized, while blaming everyone else for her all problems, that she can't find a way to move herself forward.  She just can't get past the past.  She feels so angry and resentful that she can't even think straight, and her wild accusations seem increasingly inappropriate, even delusional.  Sometimes she'll completely shut down and shut out everyone, and though that provides a little respite from the chaos she creates, you're scared because you don't have contact.  Does that sound about right?

I guess one of the key tips here is to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you are a mess, a complete basket case, seeing everything through a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  You didn't cause your daughter's BPD (no matter how much she accuses you), and you can't cure it.  Only your daughter can decide to get help (and take it seriously).  It is possible to turn things around, but your daughter has to be the one to decide to do that for herself.  In the meantime, I think you should take exquisite care of YOU.  If you need therapy, then go get it.  If you need a break, then take it, and in a few days or weeks you can re-assess.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that means taking care of you first, as well as having some fun, including pursuit of hobbies and having a social life.  How does that sound?