I am new and a mother of an adult child who may have BPD

[Gema]

I have never posted and my situation with my daughter has elevated to having her create a "Story" of her life that has been enhanced and with lies added and continues more lies that has ostracized most of our family from us and she keeps going for more.  I have been going to counseling for the last 2 1/2 months and have not had contact with her since Christmas, which at first was heavily suggested by my therapist for atleast 2-4 weeks.  Our granddaughter, her oldest 27, called us several nights ago angry as hell.  I don't know what I can or can't do anymore.  My sister who was one of my daughters "hits", as I call them, told me about this site and who was used again in a lie to stir my granddaughters irate call. My story, as so many, is a long one but don't know if that matters here and should I post more? My daughter has not been diagnosed nor does she think she has a problem.  It is me she says and has always manipulated me which I realize recently and has to stop.   I have set up a time and date to try and talk to my daughter again because my granddaughter is angry I have cut off her mother and is accusing us of ruining her wedding that is this summer.  I am getting so many mixed opinions from those who do care about us, including my husband, I don't know if this is a good thing to do. Anyone out there that can give me what may have worked for them?  I am desperate!
Gema

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Gema:    

I'm sorry about the problems with your daughter and your family situation.  Could your reference to "hits" mean that your daughter is SPLITTING (Painting someone black)?

I have set up a time and date to try and talk to my daughter again because my granddaughter is angry I have cut off her mother and is accusing us of ruining her wedding that is this summer.

In what way would you be ruining your granddaughter's wedding?

Is it possible for you and your daughter to have a joint therapy session with a neutral therapist?    It seems to be common that people with BPD traits think that the problem is always with the other person.  It isn't necessary to have a diagnosis to try and make things better.

Unless your daughter wants to change, she won't. The only thing you can do is manage the way you communicate with her and how you react.

You might find this information helpful:
FAMILIAR FIGHTS: - Projection, Splitting, Emotional Reasoning and Blame

There are some helpful links in the margin to the right of this post.  If you look at the "Tools" section, you will find information on some helpful skills to use with your daughter.  Check them out and let us know what you think.  It can be helpful to practice some dialog in a therapy session.  It can be a good combination to use your therapy sessions and interaction her to help you get confident in some of the communication skills.  Validation (or don't invalidate) and SET can be two skills to start with.

[Gema]

I realize I haven't ruined any wedding that hasn't even occurred but unfortunately my granddaughter believes her mother that I have ruined her wedding 22 years ago and her brothers as well. Unfortunately my GD told me she wanted to stay out of it months ago because it was between her mom and Me.  As we see that is not the case so she is choosing not to ask my input. I decided to again try to talk to my daughter again for my GD's sake but sadly now with even the not so great therapy I have been to I did learn emotional boundaries and will most likely have to stop the conversation pretty quickly only infuriating my GD and Daughter because I won't 'bend" as my GD says. I guess I am asking if I can should ask my daughter to please tell me the HORRIFIC "story about her life' she told my grands and youngest son that is either exaggerated or out in out lies.  She has never come at me in person with anger, only on phone calls. I did ask that we FaceTime and she agreed. My husband and her step father of 28 years feels we should just play all the calls I taped (for my own benefit to hear my own reactions and help me) to our daughter, GD, GS and other children to show how bad this is.  I disagree now causing issues with my husband a little as well.  He is frustrated and feels I am not defending myself and unfortunately he is right there. So do I bring up things like "I am curious about your Story you told and was hoping you would share that with me?" or "I am curious why you ostracized us from your home and asked your youngest brother to tell us?" I guess I am searching for am I able to defend these horrific accusations she has launched at my husband and myself or do i just ignore them? Still desperate and struggling. I also wanted to add that I lovingly asked her when I told her that my therapist requested I not talk but only text if we did that with respect and not say hurtful things, that I wanted to invite her to go to a therapist where she lives (8 Hours from me) and I would go to mine so we can heal our relationship.  At first she said I was the problem but she would come to mine with me if I wanted and then said she had abandonment issues and would go.  in later contact she changed it to Me and my husband needed it and convinced most of my kids it was us as well. My daughter is wealthy and has a high place in her 'family in law' and enjoys power it brings.
Gema

[Gema]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for your help!  I wish we could go to counseling together but unfortunately she says she is fine. It is my husband and I who need counseling.  I just wish I could find a counselor who doesn't tell me he has never heard of it and I should not be diagnosing anyone.  Help on how to find real  help besides here. I do realize I cannot change her even though my heart doesn't want to believe that.  I do have a question about my pending conversation with her on Wednesday.  Has anyone said to the BPD person "I think I have figured out what I am having a problem with, "BPD Borderline Personality Disorder"? But not saying I suffer with it but rather I am having a problem with it?  I think I know the answer but as so many of us do, I want to help her see the problem.  I truly feel desperate as she has been turning my family against us with lies they believe. Those she is turning have told us they need time and won't talk to us about it or like my granddaughter says "This is between you and Mom.  I love you both and don't want to hear about it".  Sadly she still hears moms side but is just furious with us because of more lies.
Help?