Grown daughter with BPD/ NPD

[Golfergal]

I'm new to these forums but have been seeing a therapist locally.  I believe my grown daughter has a mix of NPD and BPD.  She is now in her mid 30's and has 3 beautiful children.  It seems I take the brunt of her antics along with her first husband (now-ex) who is constantly threatened by her.  It's always the same --- when she doesn't like something he or I do or say she repays us by either threatening or following through on not allowing me to see my grandchildren.  Sometimes it's very passive aggressiive--- she just won't answer the phone and is "too busy" to talk to me.  There are times I've tried to have her talk to me about what's going on and I usually get an absolute refusal to meet with me.  She does call or text when she needs something.  I'm here to watch, listen and learn how the rest of the community deals with grown children with this disorder.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Golfergal:  
I'm sorry about the problems you are having with your daughter. It has to be doubly tough when she withholds your grandchildren.

You can't change your daughter, but you can change the way you communicate with her and how you react.  You indicate you are seeing a therapist. It can be a good combination to study some of the tools here and then discuss them in therapy as well. It offers reinforcement.  You can practice some skills here too. It can help to give examples and gain the input of others.

There are links to articles on communication tools in the margin on the right side.  Validation and SET are good skills.  Check them out and let us know What you think.  Boundaries can be important for you and are something you will need to enforce.  Perhaps you could set a boundary in regard to her ignoring you until she wants something?

[Golfergal]

Thank you.  I learn something new every time i talk to someone about this sickness. I'm going  to read some of the online resources   I love your idea of the boundary.

[abcdef1]

Hi Golfergal I feel exactly what you feel and am experiencing the same pain. I too believe my D has both BPD and NPD. Here is what just happened to me:
 I just had an interaction (phone call) from my Grandkids who told me they cannot come any more because 'Mommy doesnt like to spend time at your house'. They sounded miserable. I am broken. They are the only reason why I even care if I have any contact with my BPD daughter. SHe is only pain and those kids are only joy. I asked her if I could skype and she said no she doesnt like to skype and it 'wouldnt work out' (without trying it). so now she is witholding them and turning them against us... .she knows we dont care about her as much as we do about them and uses them to manipulate us whenever she can.now shes rewriting history and creating a reality where her kids (who LOVE to come) dont want to come either... and telling THEM that they dont like to come. What can I do? I am so broken... .

[Glenna]

Hi,

Since I actually have to live with my BPDD, 37, and her 2 sons, I am too exhausted to write much. Yesterday was typical hell for no reason.

I do want to contribute my experiences as related to this thread though. With my daughter, the worst thing I can do for myself is to ask for anything from her or appear in any way needy. When she reduces me to tears, which is frequently, she gets even more hardened. My best tactic, and I recognize it as just that, is to be somewhat distant. Somewhat cordial, a bit 'just fine,' and go about my business as if it's important.

When she wasn't living with me, the best thing I could do for myself was not call her. She would always call me. The one time years ago when I called her depressed and needy has been thrown at me as an example of my lowness and sickness so many times it's almost comical.

Glenna

[Glenna]

Hi again,

I just want to add that when I say nothing at all from my point of view, just quietly agree with everything she says, things are more peaceful and she starts to be nicer.

For what it's worth. 

Glenna

[Glenna]

Dear abcdef1,

You say your daughter 'knows' you don't care about her as much as you care about the grandchildren?
In my opinion, from experience, this will cause endless suffering for everyone involved! This is exactly what enrages these people because it hurts them where they already have a knife sticking in (which they stuck in themselves in my opinion). Even when they are loved they can't feel it and if they 'know' they aren't - God help. She is going to be punishing you forever. You can't win a war with them; maybe not even one battle.

Glenna