Told 20 year old BPD she had to leave

[ParentBPDgirl]

I have a 20 year old BPD daughter with a learning difficulty- we've been in therapy since she was 11, and she was described by her psych. as 'an impossible child.' He began to gently explain her diagnosis when she walked out furious. She's been living here rent free (even though we charge her rent, she's been going from job to job), being sporadic with taking her medicine, and just laying on the guilt and swearing and yelling and telling us we needed to deal with it because of her mental illness. I had to leave work early one day to come home and tell her to leave the house for 24 hours. I read the eggshells book (am still reading it) and looked into how to write a living agreement. We wrote up a living agreement which was very reasonable: 40 hours out of the house doing volunteer + work + school (any combination really), rent, behavior, medication, etc. and if she failed to live up to it, she needed to leave within 30 days. She stopped taking medication regularly, started swearing at me again (eff this, eff you, eff off you don't love me) all sorts of things,and finally, my husband, with his anxiety and depression (which is being treated and he's in therapy - therapist told him to not take her on) finally told her she had to leave no matter what in three weeks, and that if she ever said the 'eff' word in front of me again, she would have to leave immediately. Now, the yelling and swearing is exactly that, just mean swearing and emotional abuse. She barely has a job, barely has a place to go, but I think, for the sake of my sons, my marriage, and really myself, we have to do this. She refuses to go to therapy, as well (also in the living agreement) even though the place we have could provide her access to other services she might need (disability, for instance, since she is severely affected). I can't help but think she's going to end up homeless, and I both feel guilty that we're kicking her out so ill-prepared, but furious that she pushed us to this point. Ugh. There's probably no advice, but this is where I'm at.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi Parent
your story is so familiar, it could almost be mine.
I know you are in a really difficult place right now, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Trust and know that sometimes asking our child to move out is the only answer. A BPD child affects every single person n the household, and sometimes people outside of the household. Self preservation is necessary, and nobody will fault you for that, not to mention you have a husband with his own issues and you said there were other children,
Try not to let the guilt overwhelm you, Even though that's easier said than done.
Find some counseling for yourself, somebody to talk with that can be unbiased.
I will say a prayer for you and your family as you struggle through this mess. take care of yourself and the best of luck to you.

[Gorges]

I am sorry too.  Your story sounds familiar to mine.  My daughter just dropped out of college and we told her she can't live with us because I knew it would be as you described.  I also really did not know how we would actually get her to leave.  Getting her to move out of her dorm has been traumatic.  She tried to hurt herself when we told her to move on her own.  So she spent several hours last night in the emergency room.  Now she is moving out of her dorm.  Public safety called my husband because she is taking so long to move out and we left the car parked outside the dorm for several hours... .My husband is mad at me.

Anyway, I agree with tristesse that no-one understands.  Public safety told my husband that we were negligent parents but it is so hard to know what to do. When we interact with her she can be truly abusive and crazed.  So, I am avoiding the interaction but she does not have the skills to live on her own and she has no friends.  She only has us who she abuses.   I hope she does get the skills living on her own.  She does not want to go to a treatment program but I am going to look for one just in case.  She does not even want to go to outpatient therapy, but maybe she will... .