Grieving that daughter has probable BPD

[Deep roots]

HI, I am new to this posting board. I have been having a very difficult time with my 36 year old daughter for a few years now. As her mom I know I have been the target of most of her abuse. I have been completely baffled and hurt by her on and off. Two years ago she hurt my feelings so badly by criticizing me for who I am in every way possible. Most of what she said didn't even make any sense to me and somethings were ridiculous. We had been very close for all her life until her college years. That is when I started to become confused by her words and emotions. I knew something wasn't right for awhile. I didn't understand where this was coming from. My daughter and her husband and my grandson were such a wonderful part of my life. This almost destroyed me. I had to go to a councilor. This threw me back into PTSD which I had suffered from years before.
  My daughter has 3 children now. Our relationship has been ok on and off. And then she went into another rage while visiting us for Christmas with her family the day after Christmas where she accused me of all these things and mocked me and critisized me then packed and left. It took me three weeks to recover. That is when I realized that I can't go through this anymore. I prayed to God,"Lord, change me" so that I can find a way to deal with this. That is when I read about BPD. I have 2 books and a workbook. My husband agrees that it seems like she has BPD. One book I highlighted almost the whole book! It has helped so much. But I am initially grieving the " probable " diagnosis. I don't want her to have this.But I will accept it in time. I am more hopeful now that I understand the problem. No more feeling completely confused or saying how could she do this to me. Now I have the tools to understand her for the first time. I am learning about limit setting although my husband and I did write to her after Christmas that I will not endure her angry words with mocking and belittlement anymore but next time I will leave or ask her to leave. Now she is not speaking to either of us by phone or text.  I am learning empowerment tools and taking care of myself.
  i have only just recently realized she has BPD. And I have been weepy and sad and having a good cry almost daily. I know I had PTSD which means that I will feel things very hard and deep and emotional. I want to move on and I will. I am tired of feeling sad. My question is- did other parents grieve after they realized the initial diagnosis of their child? Or am I over the top? I am grieving the loss of the daughter I once knew... and I can't find her anymore! .loss of our relationship .- someone I used to trust more than anyone else in the world... .grieving the fact that all the ways I raised her... .to be a loving and kind person e.g. And now she is hateful and hurtful to me with no remorse. I just miss her the way she used to be.
And I am grieving that it had to be me that she abuses- and I probable love her more than anyone else in the world. I would love some support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ParentBPDgirl]

I am new to this board as well, I just posted the first time last night. I grieve the daughter I didn't have, the daughter without BPD. I love my daughter, but I, too, take the brunt of her emotional abuse and rage and anger. We told her she has to leave next month, because of it.

I love her, but I know enough to know that people with BPD are still responsible for their actions, and if we don't set hard boundaries, they will walk through them. So now I love my flawed daughter who may never have the life a daughter without mental illness would.

I know may lose her, but the truth is, I think, when someone has BPD, we've lost them long before they actually physically leave. She isn't interested in help she says.

I guess what I'm saying, is, yes, I do grieve, and the diagnosis, while clarifying so many things, made me see things in a new light, and it's hard, and sad, and a lonely road, and everyone with BPD is different, but the characteristics and behaviors are the same.

I read all about how to help people with BPD, and there is a lot of great information, but there's also information on how to help yourself.

[Bpd mother]

Hi Deep roots
I can totally understand your feelings. I could have written your post almost word for word
My 36 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD just over a year ago and she also has three children
We used to be very close and did so much together. I was there when she had her first child and even took early retirement to look after him when she went back to work
After her diagnosis she blamed me for everything and cut me out of her life completely . I grieve everyday and feel the daughter I once had does not exist any more
I pray everyday for her wellbeing and safety and help for me to accept the situation. I do not visit the forum often as it upsets me too much but I will add you to my prayers and wish you strength and peace

[Gema]

Hello Deep roots!
 I am a newbie here too and posted my first yesterday.  Hard place to be in life but this is a great place to find.  My daughter is 45, who is rich and she has turned her son and daughter against us and our youngest son and his wife as well. I have one son and wife who are hold outs because this son knows his sister well.  My daughter says I am the one who needs counseling and I did actually decide to start a few months ago. Unfortunately the therapist has never heard of BPD and said I should not be trying to diagnose other people especially with something even he hasn't heard of.  Wish I could find one who does and suggest all here  should try to.  I cry almost everyday which is driving my husband of 28 years nuts! He is so angry she is hurting us like this. I have agreed to call my daughter on Wednesday to appease my granddaughter.  We haven't spoken since Christmas and I know she created the "poo Flurry" that made my granddaughter call me.  I feel like I let her win and my husband is upset.  Damed if you do and damed if you don't.  I have been here "studying" for the last two days.  I cave emotionally with my daughter and have to stay strong and hold my boundaries.  Scary.  Sounds like you love your daughter as I do, so this causes heartbreak like no other.  My daughter has not been diagnosed nor will go to any therapy.  She is a very important person in a very small town. She also has exploded when someone told her I said she was delusional which I never said.  Many lies all pointing to my husband and myself to tear our family to shreds.  So like you I come here for support and answers but find those are in us with help with the tools here. We have to be strong.  Hang in there with us.
Gema 

[Deep roots]

Thank you to the 3 moms who replied to my post. I have felt so alone and your openness helped me feel - sane. I know I am not the only mom who raised a lovely daughter who changed and became abusive. I haven't been able to explain that to anyone. I think they think I was somehow to blame even though in my heart I knew it was not my fault. That fact that you are also grieving the loss also helps validate my own heartache. My husband seems fine and unaffected! It may be part denial and part fear. He will only show his emotions as anger towards my daughter or by getting angry over nothing. I can relate to Gema because I hide my crying as much as possible because it too will drive him nuts. He will think I am in a state of depression. But this is situational depression. Mainly it is grief over my loss. I will be praying for all of you. I will pray for BPD mom that your daughter will come back in your life again. For parentBPDgirl I think you are strong to set limits and ask your daughter to leave the house. In the long run limits are supposed to help relationships. I wish we could get together and have a good talk and cry and laugh too.  My heart goes out to all of you. Thank you so much.