Please help me.

[Trying306]

My 20 year old daughter has been struggling since she was 15. She has always had anger issues (big feelings disproportionate to the stressor) even when she was little. She showed social anxiety traits we noticed in high school and depression. We took her to counselling and she’s been in therapy since she was 17. She’s been diagnosed anxiety, depression, and ptsd (from a sa by her first boyfriend when she was 15- which she hid and we don’t find out until a self harm attempt and hospitalization when she was 17). She is convinced she has BPD- and says her therapist and psychiatrist confirmed it (but they have never mentioned it to us). But then again she is 20 so maybe they have and just don’t tell us? The past 7 months have been an extremel challenge. She is struggling so much, her meds have not worked, and her episodes of verbal aggression has escalated to physical violence- but only against me and my husband (her father). My younger daughter has witnessed these events, but she has never had any sort of episode in front of anyone else. No teacher, employer therapist doctor or friend has any idea she has these episodes. To them she is the smartest and sweetest person. At home though, she is so volatile. She never truly participates in any family day to day activities. Getting her own food or drinks (we have to hand deliver them to her room- exactly what she wants not what the family is eating) and she refuses to help out at all. Even asking her to unload the dishwasher or to bring down her dishes will trigger her anger. Unless of course we have company. If we can get her to participate she is the model of a human. Helpful, friendly, outgoing.
The last seven months her episodes are daily, If not multiple times a day. She is now even hitting me or pulling my hair as I am trying to drive her to university because she was running late (even after I packed her bag for her with her laptop and headphones, brought her her morning meds and breakfast, started the car to warm it up for her, and gave her gentle reminders of the time). Unfortunately I forgot to hand her her mittens so the verbal abuse began. I’m stupid I’m a bi&;$, I’m useless and it is now my fault she refuses to go to class (because I couldn’t find where she put her mittens). Without reacting in any way, keeping calm I got her into the car but she then was screaming at me (to get a reaction out of me-I suppose) she grabbed my hair as I was driving and tugged hard enough I almost lost control of the vehicle. Again. I didn’t react and kept driving her to class (as we were now 4 minutes away from her being late). I know I have to pick her up and get her home asap because she has an online midterm 15 minutes after her class ends. But I asked her as I was dropping her off what time and which doors does she need to be picked up, and she refused to answer: she just got out and went to class. I took the day off work just so I could get her to and from class in time for her online exam, and I know she doesn’t mean the things she says or does, but how do I set boundaries? Everything I read says to set boundaries but HOW? The one time I said “sweetie I am sorry you are feeing overwhelmed right now, but you can no longer put your hands on me or your dad. I am done with the violence.” Apparently all she heard was “I’m done”. This validating her belief I am abandoning her. It took weeks for her to call me her mom again. She still demanded I do all the things for her, but “I am no longer her mom”.
There is so much more, but I am struggling so much. We love her and just want so badly to make sure she feels loved, validated and safe, but every time we try to set a boundary the situation becomes so much worse. We are trying to get her into a private facility in a different province (as we don’t have one here) but she does not want to take a semester off university. Since she is 20 we can’t really force the issue. Chronically she is 20, but mentally and emotionally she could not move out or be in any way self-sufficient..
How do we set boundaries without triggering an episode? And is this the best time to do that when she seems to be in such crisis?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I am so very sorry to hear this I guess I would say welcome to the club, but it is not the club to be in very quick version (i always say I sound "non-chalalant" but mine has been going on for so long...my almost 26 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD nearly 4 years ago; at first, I was her favorite person (again, not the place you want to be); I have researched BPD, joined NAMI, I have a therapist, who specializes in assisting parents of children with BPD, I have read (I suggest...) Walking on Egg Shells (I Hate You Don't Leave Me....is very clinical); for awhile, I would stay over her apartment, she had me hide her knives, there were 3 inpatient psych stays, I had to force feed her once, like you, she could be nice or soooo sooo mean; fast forward, 3 years ago, she said I was "enabling her" and cut off ties with me, her dad, sister & beautiful nieces (we practically raised); so, I don't necessarily have advice, just stay strong and hang in there....BPD is a BEAST please reach out, if you like