How can I feel stronger so I can free myself ?

[Parents! Get help here!]

 Hello, I am new to the whole thing of seeking help. My daughter is 22 and has BPD and now has a 3 year old son who is autistic. I hit the trifecta. I am all alone and I don’t live, I exist. I feel like a mummy and fear and anxiety are my constant companion. I am drained financially, and emotionally. I have nothing left to give and do not talk and share since every advice people give me sucks and doesn’t work. I am afraid of getting cancer like my mother and all my life I looked after my parents as caregiver and slave and now I will do the same for my daughter until I die and this was my life. Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.

[Casablanca]

 Hello, I am new to the whole thing of seeking help. My daughter is 22 and has BPD and now has a 3 year old son who is autistic. I hit the trifecta. I am all alone and I don’t live, I exist. I feel like a mummy and fear and anxiety are my constant companion. I am drained financially, and emotionally. I have nothing left to give and do not talk and share since every advice people give me sucks and doesn’t work. I am afraid of getting cancer like my mother and all my life I looked after my parents as caregiver and slave and now I will do the same for my daughter until I die and this was my life. Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Casablanca and welcome here.
Your pain, exhaustion and aloneness calls out from every word of your post. You are completely drained in every possible way. I understand your not talking – I had the same experience many years ago – trying to explain to people who have no idea of what BPD looks like. I found people thought of it as normal teenage stuff and tough love was the answer.

At that time I didn’t understand BPD either and so I used to try some of their suggestions – and the results were not good.

I am really impressed by your headnote:   How can I feel stronger so I can free myself ?

For much of the time as carer, the focus is on the other person -but there does come a time when we have to shift that focus.  The step you have taken in posting here is enormous – don’t underestimate how much it means to post exactly how you feel.

It’s a big first step away from ‘Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.’

The 4 things you mention are connected: The slavery – at the beck and call of another – and the abuse – devalued and blamed for everything – mean living with constant heartache and abuse.

One of the first steps I took was to do with the abuse and blame. Coming here was the best thing because I read that other people were blamed too – so I was seeing what BPD IS on a day to day basis. I looked at myself, realised I had the done the best I could at any point in time – and those words were NOT going to land on me. I told my DD I was not going to respond when she started ‘picking on me’ was/is the phrase I use to her – because it made it worse for her.

Then I began freeing my mind from so much of what was happening. My mantra when I was/as totally anxious is ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. In other words I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE – a big thing for me because I wear the ‘responsibility hat’ all my life.

I used my imagination to let the words fly past me like cricket balls. I took myself mentally to another place when times were bad.

I found small spaces for time outs physically – stopping for a a coffee on way home from shopping instead of rushing back to DD. Making a small place outside to sit even for a few minutes.

These are such small things really but in my experience starting with small spaces that are for me was very important. The most important thing for me though has been the mental freedom by letting go of responsibility.

It seems as though you have been responsible all your life. I can only pass on that for me the letting go of responsibility was the key. Not much else has changed in my life in practical terms, but I love my DD I am there for her, I am not responsible for her and I put my mind to other things – I feel free.

It took a while – and this is just my story. It may not be the right path for you. But you will find a way – and coming here is the start of a new path.

[CC43]

Casablanca,

I'm sorry you've felt like a slave most of your life, and that you're completely depleted.  You're probably always on edge anticipating the next meltdown.  You probably feel responsible for your grandson, too.

I know you want to feel stronger, but you are a rock after so many years handling distress.  Even so, rocks get eroded over time.  I think you owe it to yourself to focus on self-care.  I know, you think it's impossible because you need to work so hard to keep things from spiralling out of control.  But I think you need to prioritize yourself for once, because NOBODY ELSE will do it for you, correct?  You DESERVE to be happy, and you owe it to yourself to bring happiness back into your life.

Everyone has different notions of self-care, but for me, a big part of it is eating right, exercising (preferably in nature) and getting sleep.  The more stressed out I feel, the more I know I need to focus on those three basic things, and I leave non-essential tasks and obligations for another time.  Too tired to do the dishes?  I give myself a break and use paper plates.  Laundry piling up?  Wear something twice, nobody will know but you.  People calling me for help?  Nope, I'm not available right now, maybe later.  Holiday decorations not up?  It's OK, I'll just do one wreath this year.  Guess what?  I really don't care what other people think.  Maybe that's a sign of my middle age, or maybe I'm just wired that way.  I focus on what's right for ME, and not about what other people might think about my decorating choices, for example.

Another tip about self-care:  try to develop a menu of go-to self-soothing tactics.  For me, if I have 5 or 10 minutes, I might take a stroll around the yard or outside my workplace.  If I have 15-20 minutes at home, maybe I'll take a warm bath by candlelight, or do some stretching.   If I'm stuck in traffic, maybe I'll call a friend, or sing along to upbeat music.  If I have an hour or two, maybe I'll go to the gym, swim some laps in a pool or go for a hike.  In the afternoon or evening, I might make myself ginger tea with honey in my favorite tea cup.  On Saturday mornings, I spend a half an hour reading the newspaper, and nobody is allowed to interrupt me.  Sometimes I'll work on an embroidery project or study French--one is a mindeless task, the other an engaging task which takes my mind somewhere else.  Sometimes I'll send text greetings to friends, which almost invariably get a heartwarming reply back.  Like Sancho grabbing a cup of coffee before returning to her daughter, I've found a number of simple, free or almost-free ways to focus on self-care.  I find it helps to have a "menu" of enjoyable items in mind, which I can select depending on the time available, the weather and my energy level.  I confess, I've even escaped to the local library sometimes to read books or magazines on site, because it was the only place I could find peace and quiet.  Ditto driving to a scenic local parking lot, sitting in my car and reading a book or catching up on personal emails/bill paying.  I was "running errands."

To continue with the rock analogy, one thing you might try is the gray rock technique, which I find to be super-helpful.  If your daughter is raging or having a meltdown, you pretend you are a gray rock--still, boring, unflappable.  You project a calm presence and don't feed the fire of your daughter's strong emotions.  Don't get sucked in, because when she's in a state, she can't process anything you say anyway.  If you're lucky, your calmness will rub off on her.  You also don't reward bad behavior with your attention.  Rather, you remain still and silent.  If she insists, Don't you have anything to say?, you might shrug your shoulders, or maybe say in a low, neutral voice, "There's nothing I can say to make it better," or find an escape:  "I need to use the bathroom/a drink of water/to get some fresh air."

Another way of thinking about this is if your daughter is on an emotional rollercoaster, you decline to ride alongside her.  You can wait patiently on the ground until her ride is over.  Sound good?  The caveat is if she is being destructive or theatening violence, you call the police.  I know, she won't like that, and you might feel embarrassed about what others might think.  But if your daughter is destructive or violent, she hasn't learned right from wrong yet.  Since she doesn't listen to you, you need a third party (the police) to help teach her that lesson.  Alas, she might be a slow learner, and she might need police intervention more than once.  But she needs to learn that violence and destructiveness are not tolerated anywhere, including your home, if she hasn't learned that already.

I have another idea for you:  if your daughter is overly needy and dependent on you, try to slow-walk.  In other words, try not to jump in quickly and solve all her problems right away.  Give your daughter more time and space to find her own solutions.  You're available, just not instantly.  What does this look like?  If your daughter texts for help, respond more slowly, because you are BUSY!  If she cries out in distress, let her sit with her feelings, and give her more time to self-regulate.  Look, I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who acts extremely needy, and historically her dad would jump in to rescue her, because (i) he couldn't stand to see her in distress and (ii) he thought he needed to solve her problems to prevent a meltdown.  Indeed, she did seem to have an overly emotional reaction to ordinary life stressors.  But she's a full-grown adult, and she needs to learn how to solve some of her own everyday problems, especially the ones that she's perfectly capable of handling.  Maybe she cries out in frustration sometimes, and maybe she makes some stupid decisions.  But when given more chances, she has generally surprised us in a positive way.  She's a little behind her peers, because historically her parents over-functioned for her, and so she needs a little more time and PATIENCE to catch up on some "adulting" skills.  She needs to learn to tolerate some distress as well.  I've found that slow-walking has helped with that learning process.  There might be some bumbling and mistakes along the way, but that's OK, because she's learning the natural consequences of her actions.  Try not to interrupt the world's feedback loop if you can.  She needs that experience and some extra patience to learn how the world really works.  If you "jump in" and solve all her problems for her, she's not really learning how the world works; instead, she's learning helplessness.  And I guarantee you, she doesn't like feeling so helpless and incompetent--she actually RESENTS you for "making" her feel this way.  So if you can, slow-walk.

Look, if your daughter is constantly blaming you and saying horrible things about you, just know that it's not YOUR FAULT.  She doesn't mean anything she's saying; she's just pressing your buttons in a misguided attempt to make herself feel better.  That's BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that projections, false accusations, insults and blaming are a manifestation of the illness.  You must try not to take anything your daughter says to heart.  I know, that's easier said than done.  Sancho imagines the insults/projections/blaming as cricket balls whizzing past, which is a cool image.  The things the pwBPD in my life says are so ludicrous and illogical that I have to stifle a laugh sometimes.  She doesn't mean any of it, trust me.

Finally, I think that from now on, you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  You show her how you take good care of yourself, you work hard and you have time for friends and hobbies, too.  You are calm, stable, loving and reassuring.  You are not a slave.  If your mental health is frazzled, you get yourself some therapy.  If you're not feeling well physically, you go to the doctor, because you love yourself.  Your role evolves from being a provider/nurturer of a child to a mentor/fan of an adult.  You no longer do things for your daughter that she can do for herself.  How does that sound?  The best news is, you can start right now.