Christmas again (?!)

[Parents! Get help here!]

Well....despite keeping EXTRA busy & being VERY blessed (we have another grandbaby!) I am starting to get that annual Christmas sadness; my BPD daughter never even responded to my (3rd year on (per her request) minimal contact) Thanksgiving text; I, AGAIN, wrote a Xmas card (my BPD therapist suggested a "light" message (nothing TOO mushy!) and I put one "fun" gift card (Amazon) and 1 practical gift card (grocery store); this year, I am leaving if for her, at my mother's because (so embarassing) she moved & I don't even have an address: I think it is harder this year, because I found a Christmas gift (she loves the Nutcracker) it is a Nutcracker puzzle, I bought for her, right before the "estrangement"; I keep it out EVERY year, thinking THIS will be THE year....in any case, might I ask, does anyone have a similar situation?  I will admit, it is a little easier this year, but, still makes me so sad.....I think it is just a big, fat waste of time, "we" could have together"; I am a "fixer" by nature & I, also, admit, it frustrates me, that I cannot conjure a solution

[BPDstinks]

Well....despite keeping EXTRA busy & being VERY blessed (we have another grandbaby!) I am starting to get that annual Christmas sadness; my BPD daughter never even responded to my (3rd year on (per her request) minimal contact) Thanksgiving text; I, AGAIN, wrote a Xmas card (my BPD therapist suggested a "light" message (nothing TOO mushy!) and I put one "fun" gift card (Amazon) and 1 practical gift card (grocery store); this year, I am leaving if for her, at my mother's because (so embarassing) she moved & I don't even have an address: I think it is harder this year, because I found a Christmas gift (she loves the Nutcracker) it is a Nutcracker puzzle, I bought for her, right before the "estrangement"; I keep it out EVERY year, thinking THIS will be THE year....in any case, might I ask, does anyone have a similar situation?  I will admit, it is a little easier this year, but, still makes me so sad.....I think it is just a big, fat waste of time, "we" could have together"; I am a "fixer" by nature & I, also, admit, it frustrates me, that I cannot conjure a solution

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Bpdstinks,


I can see that you are struggling. 

Maybe it is the not knowing why your udd has requested limited contact with you and your family but as hard as this is those are her wishes. For years I wanted to know why my udd despised me so much. I asked relatives she was close to, close friends but no-one had answer. Even udd herself didnt have answer. So I blamed myself that I must have done something wrong.

Then I came across bpd and the more I read about bpd I came to realise that my udd has an 8 out of 9 of the traits for bpd and that she has a serious undiagnosed mental illness which often involves difficulties with personal relationships. That explained a lot. There were signs long before I knew anything about bpd and there is a definitely a genetic link in my family. I had to accept it and come to terms with it and let it go to improve my own mental health.

Acceptance has lead me to understand that I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge I had then. Its hard to accept that  my  udd may have just been unlucky and inherited her mental illness. I still feel sad for her that she doesnt experience the everyday joys in life that others do and would change it if I could but as far as I know she sees nothing wrong her life and is happily living her life. She isnt sad. She out there living her best life and she is happy that Iam excluded from it. It is what she wants and wanted for many years and if that makes her happy then Iam happy for her. Try not to take it personally. Hopefully in time your dd may reconnect when she gets the mental help she needs but I wouldnt hold your breath for it. That will just keep you stuck and you still have a life to live!

For now Its possible that your udd may be trying to protect her own mental health by distancing herself from you and her extended family and her wishes must be respected however difficult it is for us to accept.

I think  it is time to focus on this new life and live in the moment. A new grandbaby is  truly a blessing and will bring you so much joy

[BPDstinks]

Thank you for responding!  Your words resonate, because I happen to see posts on FB (mainly her dance recitals) and my first (selfish) thought....why could I not make her happy, replaced with, as a parent, I must sacrifice being with her (well...not really my choice!) for her to be happy; I SHOULD mention, there is just salt to the wound because she associates with (I know this is a positive, because my mother keeps tabs on her & tells me how she is) my mother, sister and niece for the holidays (longer story, my sister and I do not associate due to a Covid "blow out" (I am not allowed over/vaccination issues....not the forum for that) THIS just makes the whole thing weirder, because my daughter despised going there, would nag & beg to leave the whole visit....I AM happy, 90 percent of the year....her birthday is this coming weekend, that is another hurdle....it is holidays and her birthday....I just have to "muddle" through those (well, the first Mother's Day was poop) however, I appreciate your advice and I know I am very lucky (I have 4 grandchildren and my younger daughter is very kind and supportive, though, I know she misses her sister): I have the nagging feeling I should do more (though, she blocked me, so, I don't really know what more that would be): I think it is harder this year because I don't even have an ADDRESS! I feel extremely disconnected....thank you!

[Pook075]

I have the nagging feeling I should do more (though, she blocked me, so, I don't really know what more that would be): I think it is harder this year because I don't even have an ADDRESS! I feel extremely disconnected....thank you!

That's something to work on in 2026- you don't owe your daughter anything.  You're responsible for you only.  She's responsible for her and she's chosen this space.  You must accept that and let it all go.

I know it's not easy, but you're punishing yourself over something you have zero control over.

[BPDstinks]

Yikes! pook....oh...yikes! well....I took her off my car insurance (that was a tough one....I saw the bill...she has a 2021 car....I have a 2014!  it was a $163 DIFFERENCE!) (hard to believe I have a therapist, !) thank you, ladies! I was talking to a co-worker, who has some of these issues (go figure!) it is mind-boggling, these are children, we RAISED