I'm back

[tristesse]

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything, good or bad. Probably a year or more.
My BPDD who is now 33 had been very regulated and doing quite well. My life became very busy, I had to move my aging dad closer to me, my mother had 2 heart attacks  and then a truck ran through my dads apartment So I have been dealing with stuff other than my daughter.
Last night she totally blew up, she has not had a raging episode for a good 15 months, I let my guard down, and BAM!
I am exhausted today and just need to release the pent up emotions, so I am here relying on my trusted friend... .BPD Family.  Details of her explosion are as follows.
BPDD has applied for disability (she has many issues, BPD is just one of them), it has been 2 years now, and we are working with an attorney. The attorney mailed a release form that required her signature, and here is where she flipped out. I reminded her last night that she needed to sign it and mail it back, she screamed at me, telling me the whole process is just dumb, she threw the papers at me and told me to sign it myself. I did not respond to that display at all, why reward such juvenile behavior with any attention? That was obviously not acceptable because she just kept yelling, telling me she didn't understand why they needed more medical records, why was she supposed to tell her PDOC, every time she had a panic attack in the local grocery store, or every time her agoraphobia kept her from leaving the house, Why was it so important that she write these things down and then tell them to her DR? She further commented that she hadn't been doing that, what kind of idiot thinks that's how therapy works? These are her words, not mine. So I calmly reminded her that her attorney told her it would be necessary when she went before the judge for them to have the most detailed accounts of her issues, so by refusing to do as requested, she may have sabbotaged her own chances for disability.
Well let me tell you how quickly this entire thing became my fault. she screamed and yelled and called me fowl abusive names, all in front of her autistic 7 year old son. I told her she needed to be more respectful, and she went in for the kill... .I eventually lost all training I had, and all of my skill in communication went out the window, and I too started yelling. I told her she needed to figure her life out, and she was not going to be able to control mine. I further told her, she would not be allowed to live in my home any longer if she was going to disrespect me, or the home. It got so bad, I told her she was a lazy freeloader. Those are Not the words of somebody trying to communicate with a raging BPD. My shame is real, and my heart hurts with the knowledge that I probably caused more damage than anything...
I am tired , and don't want to do this anymore.( this meaning all of the drama and raging)
I long for a traditional mother daughter relationship  with her, but don't think it will ever happen. SAD

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Tristesse

Hello   I recall you when I arrived here December 2015, possibly reading your past posts. I understand life is more than caring for our BPD, our elderly parents welfare too, it's stretching us, I feel like an elastic band sometimes and it hurts, ouch   and I do my best to find another way, stand back and revaluate where I am. Do you have sibling, family, friends support with your parents?

My 28DD, living at home is a quiet pwBPD and also struggles with planning, understanding why and I can't do this - black and white thinking, she succeeded in her education - able to deliver within a structure, working is the challenge. It's been two steps forward and one back, three forward, four back! ... .and yes I've taken my eye off the ball at times  , to re-learn my skills which many here understand when for good reasons we fall off the pony.

Clippity clop, back on the pony I get, leaving the sore saddle behind, I hope 

Hugs to you Tristesse, glad you came back to walk forward with us.

Gentle times to you. My DD has also applied for disability since Jan 1, um not filled out the application, working with that... .
 
WDx  









 

[Yepanotherone]

I'm revising my skills too because my BPDDD has been pushing me to the absolute limit the last couple of months ! So don't feel bad about your drop in guard . We are all human .
I have started having imaginary conversations out loud when I'm in the car on my own driving to work . I actually have these conversations with myself out loud ! Sometimes yelling ! I say all the things that i would dearly love to scream at my DD ( but don't ) including all sorts of names  ! I realise I must look quite mad to the other drivers or folk who see me yabbing away to myself as I sit at the traffic lights   but i tell you , is amazingly therapeutic for me !
My husband actually caught me mumbling away to myself too   he said " correct me if I'm wrong!... .Did I just see you talking to yourself ?" I immediately admitted yes you did ! And here's what I was saying ! he said I'm losing it 

[mggt]

So sorry to hear of this again, do no punish yourself for losing it we all do this disease it just too much for us to handle especially if she lives with you .  Be kind to yourself and one day at a time .  mggt   

[tristesse]

Thanks everyone. It was nice to vent in a safe place.

[tristesse]

All is good. By the time I left work she had regulated herself, had been to see her therapist and was willing to move on. I said I was sorry for losing my demeanor and we had a pleasant evening.
I am not entirely sure what caused her to have such an episode, but I think it was just the stress of knowing that she did not follow attorneys instructions and therefore potentially spoiled her chances at the disability. Whatever the reason, she resorted back to old behaviors and so did I, the good news is, we were able to move on far quicker than she would have in the past. Thank you for the support, and for always being a safe place for me to bare my deepest thoughts and feelings regarding this devastating illness.

[wendydarling]

Hi tristesse

I'm so pleased to hear all has come good for you both, your daughter regulated, spoke with her therapist, moved forward and you shared a pleasant evening. Sounds similar to where my DD is (she is a quiet) when triggered she does her best to use her skills learnt so far and reaches out to her therapist and the crisis team to help her get back on track. Unlike your DD my DD's rage is internal, the skills help us! Occasionally I feel blindfolded believing all is good and sense it's not, I'm working on what that means.

15 month interval since last big rage is a great achievement tristesse, it's no wonder it came as a shock to you both and hurt.

Hugs to you and your loved ones, many of us are refreshing skills, I hope you have time to pop by when it fits, we are all here for you, always. 

WDx