My 18 yr old SD has BPD. She leans into her anger heavily.
I was wondering if anyone else here becomes afraid of approaching/engaging w them during the bad moments.
I grew up w a histrionic narcissistic mother who often raged. So for me, it’s quite triggering and I feel small and scared.. but I digress. A 50yr old mouse.
Someone mentioned grey rocking and envisioning Sancho ducking the whizzing hurtful words of blame. I will give that a go! My husband has always told me not to take her words personally.
When a BPD is upset, there's no telling what they'll say. But honestly, it doesn't matter. The words are meaningless and the only real goal is to calm them down. So you try by speaking in a calm, reassuring tone and trying to be an ally.
But if that fails, step two is just to walk away. It takes two to argue, so if you decide you're not doing it anymore, then problem solved. Let her yell at the wall while you drive to McDonalds and get a milkshake. Her dysfunction doesn't have to be your dysfunction.
Third, you said the BPD daughter is 18...that makes her an adult. If you feel scared, tell her to leave. If she escalates, call the police and have her removed. Do this a few times and the point becomes very clear that it's a privilege to live there, not a right. She can stay if she can be pleasant or she can leave and be miserable...she gets to choose. But you have to have boundaries in place that let her know raging at people is not okay.
Why? The more you let her rage, the more entitled she becomes, and the worse her mental illness is. But teaching her right from wrong, and that life has consequences, will ultimately help her mental illness and could drive her to taking therapy serious. Again though, she gets to decide...you just have to lay out the ground rules.
