New here and needing advice about BPD daughter

[Boodledog26]

Hi everyone,

my husband and I are looking for some thoughts and advice on our current situation with our 20 year old daughter with diagnosed BPD.
4 weeks ago she left our home from one night to another to live with her 30 year old boyfriend whom we don't know. She has had a very rough year with her mental health (eating disorder, cutting and suicidal ideations amongst other things) and we don't agree with her dating when she is in this state. Having said that she has made her choice and we agreed with her that she should properly move out. We packed her belongings, she picked them up. We have since kept contact to a minimum as we understand that she wants both our attention, approval and do what she wants. We tried very hard all year (and over the past 7 years) to help her as much as possible, but mostly to no avail. We would have liked for her to focus on her mental and physical health first before entering a relationship (the first for her). We are concerned that he is controlling her (we had one encounter with him the night she decided to leave as we were making her life hell at home, which didn't go down well at all).
My questions:
Are we doing the "right" thing by keeping the contact to a minimum (text only)?
We also have a 19 year old son and a 10 year old daughter who both have been on the receiving end of our BPD daughter's behaviors for years and feel the need to protect them from her dysregulated behavior. Both do not want to have any contact with their sister at this stage.
We are considering to move away from the area as our daughter with BPD has made several attempts to connect with her brother in ways he felt very uncomfortable about. Are we doing the right thing by removing ourselves from the area?
My husband and I feel like we desperately need a break from all of the drama and toxicity.
She is currently living with him and his parents on the other side of town and we frequently see them together which we would like to avoid as we don't want anything to do with him.
We are worried that things will escalate over the coming weeks and months as she is not getting from us what she wants. (our acceptance of their relationship amongst other things)
Our Psychologists have both said that the only way she will possibly learn anything is by making her own mistakes now and having to live with the consequences of them. Big girl decisions come with big girl consequences.
How have others dealt with these situations?
On a site note, I have BPD as well and my husband suffers from depression. Our family is full of ADHD, autism and mental health issues, but we have tried very hard to help our daughter to no avail.
We don't want to condone her behavior which was disgraceful the night she decided to leave with just the clothes on her back, because "she didn't feel safe coming home". (we have never hit our children or been physically abusive in any way with any of them.) Have we made mistakes? Yes heaps of them. We don't want her to suffer or be unhappy, but we also don't want to condone her behavior or support it.
We feel the need to protect the rest of us now and create some physical space between us and them.
What are your thoughts on that?

Apologies for the long post. There is so much more to this, so please feel free to ask me any questions and I'll do my best to answer them for a clearer picture.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
We feel very alone and overwhelmed.

Sandra

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  If you read these boards, I think you'll see many common themes and issues.

Though it's sad that your BPD daughter left home angry, maybe it's not such a bad thing for you and the rest of the family to enjoy some peace.  While I know you worry constantly about your daughter and probably feel bad about a fractured relationship, it sounds to me like you need to recharge.  Your daughter is probably blaming you for all her woes, which is a typical maladaptive coping mechanism with BPD.  If your daughter says she doesn't feel "safe" not coming home (when reality is that home has always been safe for her), that's a reflection of her victim narrative.  It might even be projection--deep down, she's afraid that she's going to lash out or possibly hurt herself in your home.  I bet she's telling others she was abused and kicked out of your home, trying to convince herself and the world that she's a victim of your abuse, when the reality is that she's the abuser and she's the one who left.  Personally, I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless.  When's she's determined to blame others, she thinks others have to change--not her--and she's resistant to therapy which could really help her.

I agree with you that starting a romantic relationship isn't ideal when your daughter's priority probably should be therapy right now.  I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who entered into a seriously dysfunctional period at around your daughter's age.  She thought because she was an adult, she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.  But I think because of BPD, her priororities were all mixed up, and she seemed almost clueless about how the "real world" works (e.g. living within a budget, having to manage time, having to defer gratification, needing to act civilly towards others, having to manage conflicts in a healthy way).  Worse, her notion of identity was very tenuous, meaning she didn't seem to know who she was, what she liked/disliked, who her real friends were, what her strengths were, etc.  She wanted closeness but hated everyone.  She wanted romance but wasn't attracted to anyone.  She wanted to feel beautiful but didn't take care of her health/hygiene and dressed like a slob.  She wanted to do things but didn't make any effort.  Anyway, my thinking is that a person isn't really ready for an intense romantic relationship, let alone living with a significant other, if she hasn't really figured out herself first, or how to function semi-independently.  It seems to me that relying on someone else to prop her up is destined to fail.

If it were up to me, I think the natural progression for learning to live with BPD is (1) therapy; (2) establishing healthy routines (eating decent meals, sleeping at night, regular exercise, cleaning one's living space, taking medications as prescribed; (3) rekindling friendships with peers (but not addicts/abusers); (4) resuming adult commitments like studies or work--initially part-time and building up gradually to a meaningful routine; and only then (5) romantic relationships.  I say romance comes last because steps 1-4 help solidify a healthier routine, "normalcy" in functioning plus a much stronger sense of self.  I'm not sure where "semi-independent living" fits in this progression.  I think it could work for your adult daughter to live with you, but in my opinion she would need to progress through each step, while treating you nicely.  If she's high-functioning, she might be able to handle living in her own apartment, possibly with a roommate.  But I don't think she could do any of that successfully until she masters steps 1 and 2.  Trying to "launch" without a decent foundation is setting her up to fail.  That includes enrolling in college full-time in my opinion.

In your post you didn't mention if your daughter was in college or working.  If she were able to take some classes or hold down a job, even if it were very part-time or just for a few days, I think that's a positive sign.  She's showing that she's able to manage her emotions somewhat, and that she has potential to function in the "real world," which is promising in my opinion.  But if she's shacking up with a guy, sitting around all day doing nothing, possibly taking illicit substances, my guess is that the "honeymoon" will be over soon.  Chances are she'll appear back on your doorstep.  I think that's a great time to reset and establish firm guidelines if she decides to live with you again, should she choose to do that, and you choose to allow it.  She's an adult now, and she'd be welcome in your home, provided that she follow your rules.  But if she doesn't follow them and acts abusively in your household, I think you need to be ready to kick her out.  If you can't bear to do that, I'm sorry to say I think you shouldn't let her back in.  Letting her back in while allowing her to be abusive is only prolonging the status quo of despair and dysfunction.  Your daughter is young, she can turn her life around with therapy.  If you enable her to continue with the status quo, you are prolonging the dysfunction, not only for her, but also for your entire family.  Trust me, I went through it.

I think your therapist is on the right track about allowing your daughter to face the consequences of her own decisions.  You see, I think that BPD makes your daughter a slow learner in some ways.  If you over-function for her and save her from real-world consequences, she learns to blame YOU.  Sadly, no matter how much you explain things to her, and try to teach her how the world works, she just can't listen because of all the emotional baggage.  I think she needs to experience things herself, sometimes multiple times.  A good example is living with a roommate.  She needs to learn that if she's a slob, mean or stealing/destroying belongings, she risks getting kicked out.  If you rush in to save her, she'll never learn that lesson.

Anyway, you ask if you should leave town.  I don't think you should do that unless you truly belive you have a better opportunity elsewhere.  If you left just because of your daughter, then that feels to me like she's running your life, not you.  Once again that feels like YOU are bearing the consequences of your daughter's choices, not her.  If your daughter threatens you, call the police.  If you see your daughter in public, I think you smile and wave, and wait to see if she approaches you.  If she ignores you, fine.  If she does something mean, I'd say, just be still or turn away slowly and pretend you're not affected.  She wants to get a rise out of you, but don't let her.  If several months go by and you don't hear from your daughter, though that's sad, you can feel proud that she's exerting her independence, and she's showing you that she's learning to function as an independent adult. 

Hope that perspective helps.

[ForeverDad]

Research the Karpman Drama Triangle (victim, persecutor, rescuer).  It's very much about perceptions and of course Borderline PD does conflate reality with a lot of undeserved perceptions.

It is probably wise to respect your children's wishes not to deal with their sister's chaos and negativity.  In a way, it's them setting Boundaries for proper behavior.  Since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries then the children are - in general terms - right to set their own boundaries, that is, how they respond to poor behavior.  Often a good boundary is to walk away and not get involved with circular bickering when conflict and dysfunctional behavior arises.

Look on our Tools and Skills Workshops board which has a few topics on Boundaries, JADE, DEARMAN, BIFF, etc.  JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) often doesn't succeed since it is based on logical thinking and we all have learned how BPD patterns insist on moods, perceptions and feelings rather than logic.

[zachira]

Although it is painful to limit contact with an adult daughter you love and wish you could help, you have likely made the decision that will best protect your family. Mental health professionals especially struggle with caring more about the well being of seriously mentally ill clients than these clients do. It is extremely challenging for parents not to care more about their mentally ill adult child's wellbeing than the child does yet stepping away and letting the adult child suffer the consequences of their disordered behaviors is often the only hope for positive changes for both that person and their family. There is one exception to this rule, and this is when a person is suicidal and/or a danger to others, and then it is time to contact the proper authorities to prevent this person from harming themselves or others.