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« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2026, 02:20:48 PM » |
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Hi ursa,
I'm in a similar circumstance, with an adult stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD. I married her dad around the time that she graduated from high school (pre diagnosis), so I didn't feel responsible for (or guilty about) her upbringing, and I wasn't directly financially responsible for her. However, over the years, her dad has bailed out his BPD daughter multiple times, and we certainly felt the financial and intense emotional strain from that. Like your situation, my BPD stepdaughter would quit college and then change up her living situation, 100% financed and co-signed by her dad (and indirectly me), though I wasn't really allowed input about how to respond or what sort of financial support to provide. Unfortunately, we have lost tens of thousands of dollars between tuition for uncompleted college work, abandoned housing, moving logistics, hospital bills, unattended therapy sessions and other living expenses. We've also cancelled pre-paid vacations, delayed retirement and lived numerous months on suicide watch. Though I toughed it out, there were times I felt used and abused. By now, we're just sick of living around dysfunction, as most of the relationships in the extended family are strained. Siblings can't help but feel some resentment, either, as financial resources have been channeled towards their dysfunctional sister. It's sad, but the record shows that dysfunction has been rewarded with significant money and attention. And I'm generally upset at how poorly my BPD stepdaughter has treated my husband. She hasn't treated me kindly either, but I haven't taken that personally, so it doesn't hurt too much.
Perhaps it goes without saying that our marriage was strained from all the stress. I think my husband ultimately felt powerless, because nothing he did seemed to help his daughter. To me it was clear he was operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. In fact, as the years dragged on, she only seemed to get worse, because as her adult freedoms (and pressures) increased, her poor decisions had bigger and bigger consequences. But here's the thing: she wasn't really the one to face the consequences of her decisions; her dad and I were, since her dad was determined to rescue her, in the name of keeping her alive! With BPD, oftentimes the choice appears to be a rescue or letting a daughter live on the streets--it's extremely hard for a parent to permit that. And since my husband felt things were spinning out of control, his way of coping was to try to control ME. He tried to impose curfews, went into rages if I answered/looked at my phone, forbade me from spending time with any friends and treated me like a household servant (but not nicely). He'd literally scream at me if I dared to cough, sigh by mistake or sit in a manner he found objecitonable. In short, there were all sorts of strict rules he tried to impose on ME, whereas his daughter could do anything she wanted whenever she wanted. I think this behavior was basically a trauma response, as well as a manifestation of his unease about his BPD daughter's poor behavior. I think the only reason I was able to keep things together in this period was to understand that--he was having a trauma response, and he was acting out of love for his daughter, even his choices were ineffectual in the end. He didn't give up, he really tried, but the stress of it all was mostly directed my way. I coped mainly by taking lots of walks, and trying to remain as calm as possible. When my stepdaughter and her dad were emotionally charged, I tried to give them time outs to calm down. I wasn't perfect, and yes sometimes I'd snap back when I was yelled at. But I think I read the situations better now and try to temper my emotional reaction, so as not to add any fuel to the emotional fire.
I guess that my main regret is my husband enabling his daughter's dysfunction for as long as he did. By the same token, I know he bailed her out and spent so much money, out of love, but mixed with a healthy dose of guilt and fear. He wanted to save her, to fix her. And maybe he did, ultimately by helping her get the professional help she needed. But I can't help but wonder if the repeated bail-outs were enablement which only prolongued and worsened the dysfunction. You see, in her world, the incentives were all mixed up. Quit school? Upgrade to a fancier apartment, no pesky roommates and no schoolwork! Let her keep the tuition money to spend on spring breaks, entertainment and illicit substances! Can't find work? Live with her dad and me, on a long-term vacation, rent-free with no chores or responsibilities, while treating everyone like crap. Scream and throw tantrums? Her dad gives into her demands, in the name of keeping her stable. My guess is that this will sound familiar to you and many parents here, as they navigate the thin line between supporting and enabling.
My advice is for your husband not to enable his kid to be NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy. My stepdaughter was allowed to be NEETT for far too long in my opinion. At first it feels like a vacation, but before long, not doing anything starts to feel like BEING nothing. If your stepdaughter insists she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she's correct, but YOU don't have to pay for it, and your husband shouldn't either. If she's getting ANY support from you, I think she should not be NEETT. By the way, if your daughter reminds you over and over again that she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants, to me that's a sign that reality is the opposite. You see, this notion is bothering her so much that it comes out frequently in conversation. Anyway, since you're the stepmom, it sounds like you're not the decision-maker, and I'm not either. What I try to do is to nudge my husband and show him that what's most important is for his daughter to get the help she needs, and for her to stay ON TRACK towards creating an independent life for herself. Sure she'll have setbacks, but we need to ensure that if she's getting help from us, she's doing what she's supposed to be doing. Maybe that's school, maybe that's work, maybe that's volunteering while getting therapy and helping out at home. Otherwise we're enabling dysfunction, which isn't good for her, or us.
My other advice is to think in terms of baby steps. There's no magic pill for BPD (though medications can help with anxiety or depression), and changing one's thinking and emotional control takes a lot of therapy and effort. It may be that your stepdaughter's number one focus should be therapy for a time. If her life looks really dysfunctional, then expecting her to live independently, enroll in college full-time, handle a full-time work and/or enter an intense romantic relationship is actually setting her up to fail. I'd advise not to spend a lot of your effort or money getting her "set up" until she demonstrates she can handle some baby steps first. For example, if she's thinking about college education, I'd recommend taking an online class or two at first, to prove she can handle it before enrolling full-time. In my opinion, what's important is being "on track" towards building a more independent life, and that progress in the right direction is more important than speed. I think one change at a time works better in practice than "setting up" for an entire new life, especially when she has no skin in the game. All you'd be setting up for is disappointment in my opinion.
You mentioned paranoia as an issue for your stepdaughter. That was an issue for my stepdaughter too, and I attribute it to daily marijuana use. As soon as doctors advised her to stop consuming marijuana, she did that and the paranoia stopped being a problem.
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