Needing advice responding to my son's calls when he 's hurting

[JsMom]

Hi all,  I'd like your input to help me react in ways that are best and most helpful for a person with bpd.
My son will call me when he can't contain his fear or pain...I believe he struggles for a long time when a problem overwhelms him and then when it's a crisis or feels like one he calls me. I am learning to keep my voice steady and pretty neutral though my anxiety is high. In fact a simple text or call from him triggers my anxious feelings. Anyway,  I don't overreact anymore and match his energy. I tell him I'm sorry he's feeling so badly. I let him know I'm here for him. I ask him if he wants to explain more. He doesn't always. He'll keep repeating that he's doing badly...There have been way to many times he tells me how everything is falling apart and he can't take it anymore. He has told me about suicidal thoughts he's had. One of the last really bad times I told him I love him and I'd call for help to keep him safe. That blew the lid off and he raged at me and was afraid to get off the phone. I can let him now that I'll call for protection again if it ever goes to that place.  My concern now is how to handle calls for example when his relationship with his girlfriend is bad, or his bank account is overdrawn and utilities are about to be shut off.
My previous response and reaction is to solve the issues causing distress.  I understand finally after being here awhile that I'm NOT helping him.  How do you all deal with hearing or seeing your child in pain? How do you say - I'm not paying your bills anymore.. I get that he needs to struggle enough where he's willing to accept help to learn to manage his life. But, I feel like I'm abandoning him. I know my thinking is off too. How do I change my thinking and responses.
If my struggle makes sense, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Js, all good questions!

My BPD daughter is 26 and at times, she'd call for money every single day of the week.  And sometimes it was pure manipulation- hey dad, can I come over and cook you dinner?  We haven't spent time together for awhile.  And if I said yes, she'd ask for gas money and grocery money.  It was always a setup of some sort.

When I finally cut her off, there was some anger and resentment at first, but in time our relationship actually changed.  Like you, if she called in terrible mental shape I'd suggest an ambulance or an in-house stay somewhere, which she'd refuse as she started to panic even more.  She couldn't miss work, who would feed her pet, etc.  But I stayed consistent and I no longer get those calls, they go to her mom or sister instead.

Why?  Because she doesn't actually want the help or to make change, she wants to rant and have people feel sorry for her.  And I get that, we all have bad days and want to vent sometimes.  There's nothing wrong with that.

My point here is that I stopped being her bank and her emotional outlet for high drama, so our relationship changed because she didn't receive what she was looking for anymore.  Now our conversations are pretty darn normal, although she'll still call me at strange times for random things that didn't require a call.  Still, our relationship is good and she never asks me for money anymore.

However, I will still help her financially at times...a few hundred here or there...but only because it's not expected and I do that for my other kid as well.  Once the entitlement and demands are out of the way, I don't mind helping at all if I have the extra money.  It has to be my choice though and it can't be because of a conversation about how the entire world will end if I don't send $14 for Taco Bell right now.

I don't know if that helps you or not.  Your son calls you though because he gets the reaction he's looking for to fill his emotional needs.

For money related stuff, I'll flat out say I don't have any extra and you're going to have to start budgeting better to make ends meet.  My kid still blows through her paycheck in mere hours of getting paid (sometimes paying bills, sometimes not), as we all know you can't live that way.  I won't be mean about it, but that's my standard line of response and I don't get asked for money anymore.

[CC43]

Hi there mom,

It can be tricky to determine if your son is calling to update, vent, manipulate or find emotional support.  Do you have a sense of what the underlying purpose of the calls is?  It's also possible that it's a mix of all these elements.

When people I love are going through a rough patch, they'll often call to vent, and/or talk through their thoughts and feelings.  Generally I try to be a supportive listener, with lots of validation (That's too bad . . . This must be really tough on you).  A "normal" person might give some hints about their general approach (I'll be OK when this is over, I just need to say this out loud because I can't let anyone else know what's going on, I'm embarrassed, I need to vent my frustrations, I can't believe this is happening, I'm not sure how to handle this).  A normal person might suggest some solutions himself (I think I should back off, Maybe this is a good time for a change, I need to take a break, I just have to accept that things aren't turning out as I hoped).  Then I might re-validate or provide some perspective (You always land on your feet, This isn't the end of the world even if it feels like it right now, It makes sense to take a step back before deciding what to do).  A healthy conversation will seem to have some sort of resolution:  the opportunity to vent, to consider options, to get perspective, to feel less alone and more supported.  I might add though that a "normal" person probably doesn't call to get re-affirmation that they're a good person, that you love and support them; they already know that, just by being there and listening.  I think a pwBPD has so many self-doubts and is unsure about their status that they may merely be looking for reassurance--I love you, you're doing the right thing, you'll figure it out, I'll always be on your side.  Perhaps the issue has less to do with the day-to-day struggles and more to do with self-identity.

I bet you have experience with prior conversations to determine what sort of need your son is trying to fulfill by calling you.  When you validate his feelings, does he seem to calm down, or does he take that as an invitation to blame you for something else?  The longer you talk with him, do you find yourself getting more and more worried, or maybe you feel like you know what's going on with your son?  With the information, do you feel better or worse?  When the call has ended, does your son seem to snap back to "normal" in a day or two, or does he seem to spiral?  Maybe you can use the lens of past experience to guide you about what to do.

There was an epoch of peak dysregulation with the pwBPD in my life when she would make suicide threats and attempts.  They started out as threats whenever she didn't get what she wanted.  Then she seemed to morph and use self-harm in order to get out of doing things she didn't want to do.  Ultimately there were times that she would threaten self-harm and attempt suicide because she lost all hope and didn't want to live any longer.  I think her threats needed to be taken seriously, because she was extremely impulsive, mercurial and angry, and I felt like she could follow through, which she did multiple times.  In addition, she was showing that she didn't value her life--it almost felt like she would attempt suicide merely to punish her family.  I felt like she went "nuclear," and that we had to treat every threat and gesture seriously.  Even if she didn't really mean it, she had to learn that putting her very life in jeopardy couldn't be used as a coping mechanism.  Sometimes her dad didn't want to call 911 or take her to the hospital, because he didn't want to see his daughter in the hospital again, and she didn't want to go.  But I believe he wasn't thinking clearly, because he was ruled by the FOG.  It turned out that taking her to the hospital after suicide threats and attempts ultimatly got her the help she needed.

But I recognize that some people might mention suicide, yet not have any real intention.  Recently I had a close family member confess that he had suicidal thoughts after facing a setback.  I think it's typical for people to have fleeting thoughts about suicide from time to time.  Yet in his case, I didn't feel there was any risk that he'd act on those feelings, as he's generally stable and resilient.  In the following months I checked in with him often, and it was clear to me he got over the initial shock of the setback, and that he's OK, even if he still struggles with the aftermath.

Anyway, I had a similar experience as Pook, with an adult child with BPD making frequent requests for money.  When she was younger and in school, it felt more natural to help out.  But these days, her requests for money result from her unwillingness to work, budget and control her spending on wants vs. needs.  Her dad has increasingly refused to pay her bills and rescue her all the time.  The typical response to the "no" on the money question is to cut off communication, as punishment.  Though it's not ideal--blocking family members whenever she doesn't get what she wants--it's better than prolonging financial irresponsibility.  I think she has to learn to budget and live within her means, because we can't afford to finance a "resort" lifestyle for the rest of her life, while we make all the sacrifices.  Of course her dad still sends her money frequently, but not as much "on demand" as before.  My opinion is that he still sends her too much.  It would be one thing if she were doing everything she is supposed to be doing (working hard, managing a budget, learning to be self-sufficient, spending responsibly) and faced a temporary, unforseen bill.  It's another issue entirely to send money that enables prolonged unemployment, an unaffordable lifestyle and spending on wants over needs.

Just my two cents.

[Dav1010]

Hi. This is actually my first post. I came here looking for support because I’m experienced almost be exact same thing as you. I have a 24 yr old son with BPD and a 26 yr old son without. Dealing with my 24 yr old has lead me to seek therapy in order to maintain my own sanity. I am an enabler. I have supported him financially forever to my own detriment. It’s always an ask to pay his rent just to he can “get his life in order”. Promises they with a small loan he can get things right. Against advice from many people I co-signed for an apartment in another city last year because he was “going to start over in a new environment “. His girlfriend had left him and he needed to get away. (This was after numerous interactions with mental health services and police because he kept threatening suicide when she kicked him out). He lasted one month in this new apartment and then announced that he went back to her and moved back there. Because I had co-signed in paid an entire years rent for an empty apartment (I couldn’t find anytime to sublease).
When he has to face a challenge in life he calls me immediately in sheer panic. Yelling on the phone. Last week his key for his car broke (I bought that car btw). He called me literally crying and blaming the universe for hating him. He couldn’t articulate a solution. He was outside of his car, his phone at 5%, in a snow storm. I had to talk him through a solution (call a locksmith to get a new key cut), etc and ended up sending him money for that.
Today he called me in a mood to complain about his dad. His car was acting up and he needed a new one. He called his dad to co-sign and his dad said he needed to think about it. He was raging that he had to wait. “Why is he doing that to me? He won’t even help. I’m going to be without a car and no way to get to work and it will be his fault and yours”.  The level of anger towards his dad and me was brutal. He was so angry he was slurring his words while yelling. I’ve seen him this angry. Where saliva builds up and it almost foams.
It’s to the point now that I’m afraid of him.
I told him last week that I was no longer laying his rent as of next month. He has a full time job now and should be able to pay his bills. I’ve been paying his rent while he’s been working in order for him to “save up” for a down payment on a new car. His words. But…whereas he should probably have saved up 5k by now he has zero saved up. According to him he’s spending it on “living”. Because he deserves to live he says. Otherwise there is nothing to live for, he reasons.

 I don’t have an answer to for you or any advice. Just knowing I’m not alone is helpful.

Finally, I know I have to stop enabling him financially and emotionally. He needs to learn to problem solve and to deal with the consequences of his actions. I also know that he will not accept my boundaries and will blame me for it all. He will tell me that the reason he is struggling is because I traumatized him as a child ( he had a stable and loving environment and upbringing).
He will pull the suicide card. He has many times before.