Needing advice responding to my son's calls when he 's hurting

[JsMom]

Hi all,  I'd like your input to help me react in ways that are best and most helpful for a person with bpd.
My son will call me when he can't contain his fear or pain...I believe he struggles for a long time when a problem overwhelms him and then when it's a crisis or feels like one he calls me. I am learning to keep my voice steady and pretty neutral though my anxiety is high. In fact a simple text or call from him triggers my anxious feelings. Anyway,  I don't overreact anymore and match his energy. I tell him I'm sorry he's feeling so badly. I let him know I'm here for him. I ask him if he wants to explain more. He doesn't always. He'll keep repeating that he's doing badly...There have been way to many times he tells me how everything is falling apart and he can't take it anymore. He has told me about suicidal thoughts he's had. One of the last really bad times I told him I love him and I'd call for help to keep him safe. That blew the lid off and he raged at me and was afraid to get off the phone. I can let him now that I'll call for protection again if it ever goes to that place.  My concern now is how to handle calls for example when his relationship with his girlfriend is bad, or his bank account is overdrawn and utilities are about to be shut off.
My previous response and reaction is to solve the issues causing distress.  I understand finally after being here awhile that I'm NOT helping him.  How do you all deal with hearing or seeing your child in pain? How do you say - I'm not paying your bills anymore.. I get that he needs to struggle enough where he's willing to accept help to learn to manage his life. But, I feel like I'm abandoning him. I know my thinking is off too. How do I change my thinking and responses.
If my struggle makes sense, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Js, all good questions!

My BPD daughter is 26 and at times, she'd call for money every single day of the week.  And sometimes it was pure manipulation- hey dad, can I come over and cook you dinner?  We haven't spent time together for awhile.  And if I said yes, she'd ask for gas money and grocery money.  It was always a setup of some sort.

When I finally cut her off, there was some anger and resentment at first, but in time our relationship actually changed.  Like you, if she called in terrible mental shape I'd suggest an ambulance or an in-house stay somewhere, which she'd refuse as she started to panic even more.  She couldn't miss work, who would feed her pet, etc.  But I stayed consistent and I no longer get those calls, they go to her mom or sister instead.

Why?  Because she doesn't actually want the help or to make change, she wants to rant and have people feel sorry for her.  And I get that, we all have bad days and want to vent sometimes.  There's nothing wrong with that.

My point here is that I stopped being her bank and her emotional outlet for high drama, so our relationship changed because she didn't receive what she was looking for anymore.  Now our conversations are pretty darn normal, although she'll still call me at strange times for random things that didn't require a call.  Still, our relationship is good and she never asks me for money anymore.

However, I will still help her financially at times...a few hundred here or there...but only because it's not expected and I do that for my other kid as well.  Once the entitlement and demands are out of the way, I don't mind helping at all if I have the extra money.  It has to be my choice though and it can't be because of a conversation about how the entire world will end if I don't send $14 for Taco Bell right now.

I don't know if that helps you or not.  Your son calls you though because he gets the reaction he's looking for to fill his emotional needs.

For money related stuff, I'll flat out say I don't have any extra and you're going to have to start budgeting better to make ends meet.  My kid still blows through her paycheck in mere hours of getting paid (sometimes paying bills, sometimes not), as we all know you can't live that way.  I won't be mean about it, but that's my standard line of response and I don't get asked for money anymore.

[CC43]

Hi there mom,

It can be tricky to determine if your son is calling to update, vent, manipulate or find emotional support.  Do you have a sense of what the underlying purpose of the calls is?  It's also possible that it's a mix of all these elements.

When people I love are going through a rough patch, they'll often call to vent, and/or talk through their thoughts and feelings.  Generally I try to be a supportive listener, with lots of validation (That's too bad . . . This must be really tough on you).  A "normal" person might give some hints about their general approach (I'll be OK when this is over, I just need to say this out loud because I can't let anyone else know what's going on, I'm embarrassed, I need to vent my frustrations, I can't believe this is happening, I'm not sure how to handle this).  A normal person might suggest some solutions himself (I think I should back off, Maybe this is a good time for a change, I need to take a break, I just have to accept that things aren't turning out as I hoped).  Then I might re-validate or provide some perspective (You always land on your feet, This isn't the end of the world even if it feels like it right now, It makes sense to take a step back before deciding what to do).  A healthy conversation will seem to have some sort of resolution:  the opportunity to vent, to consider options, to get perspective, to feel less alone and more supported.  I might add though that a "normal" person probably doesn't call to get re-affirmation that they're a good person, that you love and support them; they already know that, just by being there and listening.  I think a pwBPD has so many self-doubts and is unsure about their status that they may merely be looking for reassurance--I love you, you're doing the right thing, you'll figure it out, I'll always be on your side.  Perhaps the issue has less to do with the day-to-day struggles and more to do with self-identity.

I bet you have experience with prior conversations to determine what sort of need your son is trying to fulfill by calling you.  When you validate his feelings, does he seem to calm down, or does he take that as an invitation to blame you for something else?  The longer you talk with him, do you find yourself getting more and more worried, or maybe you feel like you know what's going on with your son?  With the information, do you feel better or worse?  When the call has ended, does your son seem to snap back to "normal" in a day or two, or does he seem to spiral?  Maybe you can use the lens of past experience to guide you about what to do.

There was an epoch of peak dysregulation with the pwBPD in my life when she would make suicide threats and attempts.  They started out as threats whenever she didn't get what she wanted.  Then she seemed to morph and use self-harm in order to get out of doing things she didn't want to do.  Ultimately there were times that she would threaten self-harm and attempt suicide because she lost all hope and didn't want to live any longer.  I think her threats needed to be taken seriously, because she was extremely impulsive, mercurial and angry, and I felt like she could follow through, which she did multiple times.  In addition, she was showing that she didn't value her life--it almost felt like she would attempt suicide merely to punish her family.  I felt like she went "nuclear," and that we had to treat every threat and gesture seriously.  Even if she didn't really mean it, she had to learn that putting her very life in jeopardy couldn't be used as a coping mechanism.  Sometimes her dad didn't want to call 911 or take her to the hospital, because he didn't want to see his daughter in the hospital again, and she didn't want to go.  But I believe he wasn't thinking clearly, because he was ruled by the FOG.  It turned out that taking her to the hospital after suicide threats and attempts ultimatly got her the help she needed.

But I recognize that some people might mention suicide, yet not have any real intention.  Recently I had a close family member confess that he had suicidal thoughts after facing a setback.  I think it's typical for people to have fleeting thoughts about suicide from time to time.  Yet in his case, I didn't feel there was any risk that he'd act on those feelings, as he's generally stable and resilient.  In the following months I checked in with him often, and it was clear to me he got over the initial shock of the setback, and that he's OK, even if he still struggles with the aftermath.

Anyway, I had a similar experience as Pook, with an adult child with BPD making frequent requests for money.  When she was younger and in school, it felt more natural to help out.  But these days, her requests for money result from her unwillingness to work, budget and control her spending on wants vs. needs.  Her dad has increasingly refused to pay her bills and rescue her all the time.  The typical response to the "no" on the money question is to cut off communication, as punishment.  Though it's not ideal--blocking family members whenever she doesn't get what she wants--it's better than prolonging financial irresponsibility.  I think she has to learn to budget and live within her means, because we can't afford to finance a "resort" lifestyle for the rest of her life, while we make all the sacrifices.  Of course her dad still sends her money frequently, but not as much "on demand" as before.  My opinion is that he still sends her too much.  It would be one thing if she were doing everything she is supposed to be doing (working hard, managing a budget, learning to be self-sufficient, spending responsibly) and faced a temporary, unforseen bill.  It's another issue entirely to send money that enables prolonged unemployment, an unaffordable lifestyle and spending on wants over needs.

Just my two cents.

[Dav1010]

Hi. This is actually my first post. I came here looking for support because I’m experienced almost be exact same thing as you. I have a 24 yr old son with BPD and a 26 yr old son without. Dealing with my 24 yr old has lead me to seek therapy in order to maintain my own sanity. I am an enabler. I have supported him financially forever to my own detriment. It’s always an ask to pay his rent just to he can “get his life in order”. Promises they with a small loan he can get things right. Against advice from many people I co-signed for an apartment in another city last year because he was “going to start over in a new environment “. His girlfriend had left him and he needed to get away. (This was after numerous interactions with mental health services and police because he kept threatening suicide when she kicked him out). He lasted one month in this new apartment and then announced that he went back to her and moved back there. Because I had co-signed in paid an entire years rent for an empty apartment (I couldn’t find anytime to sublease).
When he has to face a challenge in life he calls me immediately in sheer panic. Yelling on the phone. Last week his key for his car broke (I bought that car btw). He called me literally crying and blaming the universe for hating him. He couldn’t articulate a solution. He was outside of his car, his phone at 5%, in a snow storm. I had to talk him through a solution (call a locksmith to get a new key cut), etc and ended up sending him money for that.
Today he called me in a mood to complain about his dad. His car was acting up and he needed a new one. He called his dad to co-sign and his dad said he needed to think about it. He was raging that he had to wait. “Why is he doing that to me? He won’t even help. I’m going to be without a car and no way to get to work and it will be his fault and yours”.  The level of anger towards his dad and me was brutal. He was so angry he was slurring his words while yelling. I’ve seen him this angry. Where saliva builds up and it almost foams.
It’s to the point now that I’m afraid of him.
I told him last week that I was no longer laying his rent as of next month. He has a full time job now and should be able to pay his bills. I’ve been paying his rent while he’s been working in order for him to “save up” for a down payment on a new car. His words. But…whereas he should probably have saved up 5k by now he has zero saved up. According to him he’s spending it on “living”. Because he deserves to live he says. Otherwise there is nothing to live for, he reasons.

 I don’t have an answer to for you or any advice. Just knowing I’m not alone is helpful.

Finally, I know I have to stop enabling him financially and emotionally. He needs to learn to problem solve and to deal with the consequences of his actions. I also know that he will not accept my boundaries and will blame me for it all. He will tell me that the reason he is struggling is because I traumatized him as a child ( he had a stable and loving environment and upbringing).
He will pull the suicide card. He has many times before.

[JsMom]

Thank you all ❤️. Your experience keeps me from trying to convince myself that now that my son has a great job with insurance. . that all will be magically better. I saw my therapist today and he looks right at me as says you are experiencing a lull for now but his issues will surface again. (I want to get sick - this lull has been nice even though my mind runs with worries)  Anyway, Pook and CC you are both aware I have been wanting nudge my son to get some tools such as dbt. I've tried to get time alone with him these last two weekends - even going to his house. It hasn't worked out. I shared that with my therapist and he mentioned I'm too invested emotionally in him taking my advice right now. That I need to focus on myself, my anxiety, setting boundaries with people and in situations which aren't too threatening. So that when my son reacts I will have that experience of pushing through discomfort and anxiety so I don't fold so easily. That seemed like wise advice.
Dav - I'm really glad you shared. I think we have the same son. Same words, demands, blame, foaming at the mouth. ..
This is a hard walk and I have to say I couldn't do it without all your support and knowing I'm not alone.

[CC43]

Hi,

Indeed it feels like walking on a tightrope--one wrong move and everything might come tumbling down.  Looking back, it seems like my husband was on speed dial for all sorts of problems like the ones described above--the missed utilities payment, the broken key, the urgent need for money for fast food and other non-essentials.  It's not just one thing that stands out, but rather a pattern of generalized overwhelm with adulthood, and seeming cluelessness about problem-solving.  Instead of feeling annoyed, the pwBPD feels frantic, and the problem feels like it's super-sized.  Rather than focus on the problem at hand, the pwBPD spins out of control, generally making the issue worse, not better.  Rather than put feelings in context (this is a just temporary hassle, life is full of hassles), they take things personally.  Rather than reflect and learn (I should probably join AAA, I should pay my bills on time, I need to save for an emergency fund), they avoid responsibility and blame someone else.  Rather than accept that life comes with hard choices and isn't fair, they feel persecuted and downtrodden, constantly disappointed, constantly in distress.

In my experience, upon speed-dialing the parent, the kid hypes up the graveness and urgency of the problem, followed by a demand for the parent fix it, because of the misguided notion that parents OWE their kids.  When a parent rushes in to fix the problem, in the name of keeping their kid from self-destructing, they're actually getting in the way of their beloved child from learning how the real world works.  Look, my stepkids racked up several speeding and parking tickets as well as towing fees, which my husband paid for, for years!  He even paid for legal counsel to appear in court to contest the moving violations, so that his kid wouln't have too many points on her driving record, increasing insurance costs and potentially revoking the license.  But what happened when he finally stopped paying for the tickets?  I don't know, because we stopped hearing about them, and my guess is that the kids stopped getting tickets, because they had to face real-world consequences for once!  Ultimately, two of my stepkids decided to sell their cars which their dad and I had gotten for them.  I think they did a cost-benefit analysis and decided it wasn't worth it to keep the cars.  One of those kids has BPD, and I suspect that not having a car actually simplified her life and decreased stress.

What happens when a parent starts to decline to be an ATM/AAA service/babysitter/co-signer/bill payer/life fixer/constant emotion soother?  Typically an extintion burst.  This happens because the kid has grown up accustomed to getting a parent to take the responsibiliity and fix their problems.  Of course, when a kid was actually a kid, this was expected.  But over the years, if you continue to treat your kid like a kid, they continue to act like one:  throwing tantrums when they don't get what they want, seeming over-the-top entitled, calling a parent for emotional/financial/logistical support all the time, needing help solving everyday problems.  I'm not saying that calling for help for support and advice is inherently bad, but I'm talking about degrees--the frequency, intensity and duration of the cries (shouts!) for help, as well as the underlying purpose.  Like Pook said, when it seems the kid doesn't want to solve the problem herself, but rather rant and complain and get people to feel sorry for her so that they step in to fix it, while blaming others for all her woes, then this is the core issue, especially with BPD.

I might be too "tough" on tough love, but I have another thought.  When parents are overly generous, they might actually be setting up their kids up to fail.  Think buying them automobiles which kids haven't helped pay for themselves, or "setting them up" in a luxury living situation to help "get their life in order" and "start over," typically far away from their traditional support system.  I think that oftentimes, the pwBPD just aren't "ready" for maintaining such a deluxe lifestyle which comes with having to manage (and care for as well as pay for) the lifestyle.  They don't value what they have, because they don't have enough "skin in the game."  I think that sometimes, their life would be simpler and less stressful if they didn't experience such huge lifestyle inflation in early adulthood, but rather worked (and learned) their way into it.  On these boards I've read about young adult pwBPD having to handle a spouse, children, cars, home/furnishings, mortgages, multiple pets, and long-distance travel, which seems like a ton of pressure when they've barely handled working a starter job and/or college classes.  I can't help but think back when I was in my early 20s, and all I had was a job and a studio apartment with a futon, not even a TV.  It was simple but also liberating, because I could focus on working, living, learning and making friends.  I didn't have car payments, insurance or even renter's insurance, because I didn't own anything of value to insure, except my own health.  My lifestyle was limited by my take-home pay.  I rented the apartment I could afford, because nobody else was paying my rent.  I didn't buy too much furniture, because I didn't have much space.  Credit limits on credit cards took years to cultivate.  Saving up for big purchases like a car or home took years of careful planning and saving.  I decided I didn't want a pet because I didn't want to be tied down to feeding it and tending to it daily; a pet would make work trips too complicated for me.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

Anyway, Pook and CC you are both aware I have been wanting nudge my son to get some tools such as dbt. I've tried to get time alone with him these last two weekends - even going to his house. It hasn't worked out. I shared that with my therapist and he mentioned I'm too invested emotionally in him taking my advice right now. That I need to focus on myself, my anxiety, setting boundaries with people and in situations which aren't too threatening. So that when my son reacts I will have that experience of pushing through discomfort and anxiety so I don't fold so easily. That seemed like wise advice.

Think about it this way- your son is responsible for himself and he will choose to get in therapy when he feels an actual need.  For some that's in their 20's (like my BPD daughter).  For others, they never feel that need and their life is often in shambles. 

What gets them to the point of choosing therapy and working through this is the struggle though.  If you try to fix everything and work harder than him, he has no reason to ever see a need to change.  That's the habit you need to break since he has to choose it.

Where does that leave you if you can't rescue him?  Exactly where your therapist said.  Focus on your own anxiety and mental struggles so when your son does open up to you, you're stronger and more balanced for the time you've invested in yourself. 

Remember, BPD hurts relationships and relationships are between two people.  Just because he's sick doesn't mean you don't have a part to play in the relationship as well.  Strong, focused, calm mom is always better than frazzled, panicked, stressed-out mom.  I learned that the hard way and if I could go back an do everything over, I would have found my zen decades earlier.