I feel hopeless

[MiserareNobis]

I am pretty sure my husband has BPD/NPD. Looking back, the signs have always been there, but he had a mental health crisis in Feb 2022 and since then it's been intense. I have to spend all my time with him. 100% one on one direct attention on my days off and he comes and meets me for my 30 min lunch break on work days. He doesn't work. I don't get any time with our children. He wants sex twice a day preferably or at least daily. However, he struggles with sexual dysfunction. So on my days off we spend at least 6-10 hours a day trying to get him to climax which we are lately unsuccessful at. I wish I was dead. I've encouraged him to go to the doctor, therapy. He just gets mad at me for "not understanding". Everything is my fault. If I just did this better or that better. I need encouragement. I don't know how to set boundaries. Every day I talk myself out of suicide. Thank you for this forum.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi MiserareNobis , and welcome to the BPD family.

Everyone gets affected when their spouse has a serious mental disorder that is so taxing. However, the lack of boundaries has taken this too far. I'll ask some questions, and in case you feel comfortable answering any of them, the other members will have better information to help you out. Here are my questions:

1) Can you elaborate more on why you don't know how to set boundaries?
2) Do you fear his negative reaction? How do you feel when he gets upset?
3) Are you afraid of losing this relationship?

[MiserareNobis]

Thank you for your response SuperDaddy. I just learned about boundaries. I didn't even know it was a thing until recently. I don't think my husband has any, and he expects me to not have any too. If I set boundaries I am afraid he will feel unloved, call me selfish. I'll feel like a bad wife. I've always had a hard time saying no in my life. We even joke about it. No I'm not afraid of losing this relationship. I'd actually be relieved, but that will never happen. He relies on me for everything. I do love him, but I'm exhausted and stressed to the max.

[Notwendy]

I think anyone in your situation would feel emotionally drained and burned out. What you are doing is a lot of emotional caretaking for your husband. It's good you are learning about boundaries, and that you are taking the first step to change for yourself. It can be done, in steps. Take this one step at a time. To make a change like acting on a boundary is a change for you and for your husband. He is used to this level of emotional caretaking and when you pull back, he will likely emotionally react. On your part, you will need to have some emotional stamina to manage your own feelings if/when this happens.

First, I hope you can believe in yourself and your self worth. You are not a bad wife, you are a worthy being. You are a good person. IMHO ( and we are not professionals here but have walked this path with a BPD person) the first thing you need is some self care, some support and get counseling. Yes, he's the one with the disorder but couseling for you is to support you as you make personal changes.

Between us women here- 6-10 hours is beyond excessive. I can't speak for the guys, but this would be exhausting and stressful, physically and emotionally for you, and probably for him too. Intimacy is important in marriage, but not if it's emotionally and physically taxing for you.

This is one example of a boundary- what is your body and what is his body. His issue may be medical, emotional, or a side effect of a medication but- it's his body that is having the issue, not yours and you can not fix a medical issue. It isn't your fault. Something else is going on here. It may be that he functions when he's alone but not with you, or he's got a physical/emotional/medical issue. If he's truly concerned and wants to fix this, he would be willing to see a doctor to get checked. A boundary is that you can leave this issue to him to solve, but I think emotionally it would be scary for you to do this all at once. This is why a counselor can help support you as you do start with boundaries. But know- you are OK just the way you are. There's nothing wrong with you and you are a good and worthy person. For boundaries to be effective, we need to be emotionally ready to do this.

My BPD mother was very emotionally needy. While this wasn't a marital relationship, her emotional needs were with other relationships too. She also didn't want to be alone. She wanted someone to be with her all the time.  If we did leave her alone to run an errand, she'd call every few minutes asking where we were and when we'd get back. This was emotionally taxing on my father and also other family members.

At the bottom of all of this was her extreme anxiety. If she was alone, she'd feel completely overcome by this. Having someone around her was one way she coped with it. However, I think this is common with pwBPD. The "reason" stated is not the actual reason. She didn't have the insight, or could not admit to feeling anxious, or ask directly, so she'd come up with some other reason to get someone to stay with her. She might ask for help with a task and then drag the task out so long, it might even not get done.

While your husband may have a medical issue and that should be checked out, another possible reason for wanting you to be "helping him" for 6-10 hours is that is 6-10 hours with you being with him, focusing on him. It may be that his actual need is emotional.

While there is no specific medicine for BPD, medicines for anxiety did seem to help my mother's anxiety. It didn't eliminate it but it helped her manage and she was able to tolerate being along better- not perfectly- but better.

First though- you need to take care of you. You are worth it!! Your task is to find a counselor for support. Next, if you can, take husband to get a check up for his issues and possible medication. If he won't go- that's on him, but you can still make changes, with support of a counselor, for your own well being.

Self care is important - can you find some time for just you? Some ideas- on the way home from work, stop at a coffee shop, get a nice hot tea, and sit for a while. Even a few minutes, just to be alone. You can increase that as you go along. Can you go get your nails done? Take a walk? Anything to help you fill up your emotional tank a bit- this and the counseling are first steps.

[SuperDaddy]

After this great post by Notwendy, I'll just comment on the sex drive.

When you said "sexual dysfunction", did you mean ED (erectile dysfunction)? I know ED is multifactorial (different causes), but it's advisable to check testosterone levels. This also affects the mood in men.

A few years ago I noticed that my libido was zero. I was single for 2 years and had no interest in dating whatsoever. I decided to "get checked" for sexual dysfunction by a professional, and it wasn't the case (my performance was normal). But when I checked my T levels, gotcha! It was at the minimum (300 ng/dL). So I quickly quit smoking and rapidly brought my T levels up again. Initially, I used 3 different types of Brazilian herbs that are very potent, but then I realized I had to find a sustainable and safer solution. After doing some research, I got to the conclusion that my low T resulted from nutrients that were robbed by the clove cigarettes, so I googled for "safest nutrients supporting healthy testosterone" and that worked great. The answer was right there.

Low testosterone usually decreases the sex drive (libido). The anxiety/frustration about not performing well might also decrease sex drive. But an insecure husband may become worried that his wife might leave him or betray him with other men only because of his ED. So they might invest a lot of energy in trying to perform sexually for his wife, even though they have low libido. Do you think that might make sense?

Another hypothesis is that the sex is being used for him to feel better about himself. Once many years ago I had a drop-bottom because I was losing my 10-year job. So in the midst of it, I suddenly felt the need for sex, but it had to be with an intimate partner. I think my brain was craving chemicals such as endorphins and oxytocin. So I gently communicated my need to my wife at the time. We were not having sex or intimacy anymore, and I thought she would mock me, but instead she was happy to help. It worked for that moment.

By the way, since I noticed that the level of my emotions was disproportional to the event, I began an investigation process with self-help books, found out the reason, and by the end I had a miraculous internal growth. You know why? Because the moment when you are at rock bottom is the best time to treat your wounds, since they are exposed. In my case, it was all about child neglect (a minor CPTSD) and my final treatment was book-guided self-hypnosis, but usually a professional is needed.

Maybe the present moment would be the best timing for you as well?