Minor ways possible BPD affects my relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi there, this is a relatively less serious talk about my BPDH’s behaviours.
While despite being very intelligent academically… has  a Masters and got half way through a PhD , and he used to teach at a University… my husband has gaps in his common sense and spatial awareness.

This is annoying for example, when driving with him (he usually drives) as he constantly gets lost, he wants to turn right all the time so gets further away from where he’s heading. If I suggest anything he gets mad at me and then gets mad at me because I didn’t say anything.

However, lately what has become particularly frustrating is when watching TV series on Netflix etc. We both tend to like mystery series but he has problems following the plot. He then asks me questions which I try to answer. If my reply doesn’t suit him for whatever reason he’ll then get mad at me and the program and then switch the tv off or find another program. Many series I’ve finished watching on my IPhone when alone.

He can’t understand wind direction, although having been told many times that when weather forecasters say “it’s going to be (say) a northerly wind” he insists that the wind is going northwards. Onshore and offshore are almost comedic.

What really gets to me though is that when he asks me questions which is often, I try my best to answer, if it doesn’t suit him or he still can’t understand ( ego ) he then tries to sort of gaslight me saying “you never said that before” “ your saying something different to a few minutes ago” “ you always do this”. That last comment really bugs me and I have to be really careful not to over react.

I guess all our reality differs from each others, and I try to be understanding, yet I don’t have the same sort of misunderstandings with most of the other people I know.

[townhouse]

Hi there, this is a relatively less serious talk about my BPDH’s behaviours.
While despite being very intelligent academically… has  a Masters and got half way through a PhD , and he used to teach at a University… my husband has gaps in his common sense and spatial awareness.

This is annoying for example, when driving with him (he usually drives) as he constantly gets lost, he wants to turn right all the time so gets further away from where he’s heading. If I suggest anything he gets mad at me and then gets mad at me because I didn’t say anything.

However, lately what has become particularly frustrating is when watching TV series on Netflix etc. We both tend to like mystery series but he has problems following the plot. He then asks me questions which I try to answer. If my reply doesn’t suit him for whatever reason he’ll then get mad at me and the program and then switch the tv off or find another program. Many series I’ve finished watching on my IPhone when alone.

He can’t understand wind direction, although having been told many times that when weather forecasters say “it’s going to be (say) a northerly wind” he insists that the wind is going northwards. Onshore and offshore are almost comedic.

What really gets to me though is that when he asks me questions which is often, I try my best to answer, if it doesn’t suit him or he still can’t understand ( ego ) he then tries to sort of gaslight me saying “you never said that before” “ your saying something different to a few minutes ago” “ you always do this”. That last comment really bugs me and I have to be really careful not to over react.

I guess all our reality differs from each others, and I try to be understanding, yet I don’t have the same sort of misunderstandings with most of the other people I know.

[Notwendy]

I wonder if he is beginning to have memory issues. I can't recall how old he is but pwBPD can also have age related issues. BPD may complicate the behaviors but if he's having trouble remembering things, not following the plot is a memory aspect, getting lost, forgetting what you said to him- consider getting him evaluated. I have an older relative who does these same things, but doesn't have BPD and it is due to having memory problems.

[Notwendy]

Another thought - could he be high functioning on the spectrum? That can also appear like BPD in some ways- difficulty with relationships, anger meltdowns. That could explain his interpreting things literally "a northerly wind" must be going north, because the word "north" is in it and not understanding your reply to a question if it's not put in a way he understands. Both pwBPD and high functioning people on the spectrum "mask" in public but may have different reasons to do so.

He may function brilliantly in his academic world, where the focus is on research, facts, but at home, where things aren't as structured to his interest may be more confusing to him. He could be both an expert in his academic focus and lack common sense in other areas of his world at home.

Either way, on the spectrum or BPD, he could also have memory issues. The relative I mentioned with memory issues is also very intelligent and educated and this change was noticed by family.

[townhouse]

Thanks for answering my post Not Wendy, very good of you to take the time.

Yes he may be getting worse with age (we are both 77) but he has always been like this - with directions, travelling and watching shows. He was dyslexic as a young person and didn’t over come it and get educated until in his forties when I met him. He will sort of admit to high functioning autism and has told me he thinks his daughters are like this. The only time I tried to bring up BPD he said “I don’t like  those personality disorder definitions” He doesn’t like a lot of things or should I say almost everything.

As far as getting him assessed, this would be, I would say impossible. I can’t even get him to renew his heart pill prescriptions he should be taking as he had a triple bypass 3 years ago. He has Type 2 diabetes and started taking medication but again as the prescriptions ran out he won’t go back to the doctor to get them renewed. I try to see we eat as healthy as possible, but sometimes he’ll just do something crazy regarding sugar intake and then complain how he had dreadful sweats during the night and feels terrible. It isn’t easy living with him!!  this is an understatement.

He has taken a liking to my youngest grandson who is 22 months. . We’ve minded him 2 days a week since he was a baby and they both really love each other. It is amazing to see how he knows how to put the little ones’ interests before his own, yet cannot do it with anyone else.
Thanks to whoever is reading. It really does help to get it out doesn’t it?

[Notwendy]

Yes, living with someone with autism or BPD is difficult. I think at this point, having the actual label of BPD would probably not be helpful. It would be validating to you to know that- but there's no specific treatment for it and he's pretty fixed in his behavior- whether it's BPD or being on the spectrum.

It's also frustrating to see him not comply with his health recommendations.

The grandchild seems like a bright spot in all of this. Considering that BPD and autism, whichever he has, affects relationships- this one doesn't involve the social skills of a relationship with an adult. It may be more feasable for him. Whatever the reason- it's good for both. I assume you are supervising them- as he may be more likely to be forgetful of meals or changing him.