Trying to decide

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been in an on again off again relationship for the past 5 months with a man who I now believe to have BPD. I have been reading up on the disorder for the past few weeks. I came to this suspicion after he mentioned having been diagnosed as bipolar. Im not a mental health care professional but I have a bipolar friend and my two closest friends are a psychologist and a therapist. I knew he didnt fit the bipolar profile. He was in and out of juvie most of his teenage years and was most likely diagnosed at that time without spending much time in therapy and before an official BPD diagnosis would have been age appropriate. Every symptom is there, from the anger to the extreme neediness etc etc. The things he says to me when he feels abandoned are really cruel and ugly.

We live next door to each other in a duplex, me on one side with my aging mother who is soon moving out and he is alone in the other half of the building. Our walls are so thin we can hear each other most of the time. There is very little privacy here. Why did I start this relationship under these circumstances, it is a good question and I dont really know the answer. I knew it was a bad idea but fighting the attraction was next to impossible as we run into each other every day. We have a real connection, I dont think we are in it for the rush of the highs and lows. We both long to have a stable relationship but its been extremely hard. The worst part was very early on when he decided to go off Cymbalta without weaning. I thought his mood swings were withdrawals and they have not been nearly as bad as they were for about 3 weeks after that. But it is not good or easy. Everytime I feel like we are making progress something happens. I feel like I am constantly being tested. Ive also been going through other stressful things in my life which I wont elaborate on here just to avoid this getting too long winded but my stress has been affecting my skills to deal with his tempers and extreme insecurity. I am commitment reluctant which is not good for a BPD. When things get tough I tend to want to run for the hills, that is my go to reaction for most relationship challenges. I have been trying to fight this urge in previous relationships. When he is acting crazy I get fed up and break up with him which I am aware is the worst thing I can do. He wanted commitment from me almost from first day and I was in no way ready for that.

I really struggle with this. I am very unsure what I can do. I am happy in my new home, I moved around for a long time because of my work and I really appreciate and need the stability of a permanent home. I dont think we can break things off while we live next to each other. I have read up on how to communicate with a BP and general advice for friends/family and consequently our relationship improved a lot but he is still testing me and last week I just couldnt handle it anymore and broke up. Its likely that we will be back together next week if I let it happen but he will be angry.

He has genuine and profound moments of empathy which gives me hope. But Im wondering if I am strong enough to keep this relationship going. I feel like if I stay I can never slip up and that is a lot of pressure. Ive asked myself if I stayed would it be because of guilt and I know that is not the case. If I stay it is because of hope. But would I be fooling myself? I feel like this relationship drains a lot of my energy so that I am not able to pursue my goals in life as energetically as I did before. Thats probably the worst part of it for me.

I would really like to hear both sides but the argument for leaving is so dominant everywhere I turn that I guess I would like to hear more from those who decided to stay, especially if anyone else is around that knew from the very beginning about the BPD. Inside of this person that sometimes turns into a monster is a really wonderful one and I feel like that person deserves a chance and Im also tired of going from one relationship to another. I just wonder if I can handle this.

[onelittleladybug]

I have been in an on again off again relationship for the past 5 months with a man who I now believe to have BPD. I have been reading up on the disorder for the past few weeks. I came to this suspicion after he mentioned having been diagnosed as bipolar. Im not a mental health care professional but I have a bipolar friend and my two closest friends are a psychologist and a therapist. I knew he didnt fit the bipolar profile. He was in and out of juvie most of his teenage years and was most likely diagnosed at that time without spending much time in therapy and before an official BPD diagnosis would have been age appropriate. Every symptom is there, from the anger to the extreme neediness etc etc. The things he says to me when he feels abandoned are really cruel and ugly.

We live next door to each other in a duplex, me on one side with my aging mother who is soon moving out and he is alone in the other half of the building. Our walls are so thin we can hear each other most of the time. There is very little privacy here. Why did I start this relationship under these circumstances, it is a good question and I dont really know the answer. I knew it was a bad idea but fighting the attraction was next to impossible as we run into each other every day. We have a real connection, I dont think we are in it for the rush of the highs and lows. We both long to have a stable relationship but its been extremely hard. The worst part was very early on when he decided to go off Cymbalta without weaning. I thought his mood swings were withdrawals and they have not been nearly as bad as they were for about 3 weeks after that. But it is not good or easy. Everytime I feel like we are making progress something happens. I feel like I am constantly being tested. Ive also been going through other stressful things in my life which I wont elaborate on here just to avoid this getting too long winded but my stress has been affecting my skills to deal with his tempers and extreme insecurity. I am commitment reluctant which is not good for a BPD. When things get tough I tend to want to run for the hills, that is my go to reaction for most relationship challenges. I have been trying to fight this urge in previous relationships. When he is acting crazy I get fed up and break up with him which I am aware is the worst thing I can do. He wanted commitment from me almost from first day and I was in no way ready for that.

I really struggle with this. I am very unsure what I can do. I am happy in my new home, I moved around for a long time because of my work and I really appreciate and need the stability of a permanent home. I dont think we can break things off while we live next to each other. I have read up on how to communicate with a BP and general advice for friends/family and consequently our relationship improved a lot but he is still testing me and last week I just couldnt handle it anymore and broke up. Its likely that we will be back together next week if I let it happen but he will be angry.

He has genuine and profound moments of empathy which gives me hope. But Im wondering if I am strong enough to keep this relationship going. I feel like if I stay I can never slip up and that is a lot of pressure. Ive asked myself if I stayed would it be because of guilt and I know that is not the case. If I stay it is because of hope. But would I be fooling myself? I feel like this relationship drains a lot of my energy so that I am not able to pursue my goals in life as energetically as I did before. Thats probably the worst part of it for me.

I would really like to hear both sides but the argument for leaving is so dominant everywhere I turn that I guess I would like to hear more from those who decided to stay, especially if anyone else is around that knew from the very beginning about the BPD. Inside of this person that sometimes turns into a monster is a really wonderful one and I feel like that person deserves a chance and Im also tired of going from one relationship to another. I just wonder if I can handle this.

[once removed]

hi onelitteladybug and

it does sound like youre exhausted. im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you found us.

my partner (now ex) was diagnosed with bipolar (but not BPD) as well. like you, there was a push for commitment from day one, and i felt over my head. as an introvert, i tend to need my privacy

i didnt know about BPD until months after we broke up, and its hard to say how it would have informed my decision or if id ever made one, or how effectively i could have used the tools and skills taught here. at this stage, whatever you decide, knowledge is power.

if i were you, id really dive into the lessons to the right of your screen. these will help inform your decision, which you dont have to make today.

if you are leaning toward staying, i suggest diving into the lessons on the Improving board. they will give you a better impression of what its going to take on your end, to improve things for yourself. obviously one person cannot "make it work", but there is a great deal you can do to reduce conflict and stress for you, and it is possible that he will follow your lead.

reading the stories of others will go a long way, but bear in mind that all of our relationships are unique to us, and staying or leaving is a very personal and often difficult decision.

whats going on today? are you back together?

[onelittleladybug]

Hi once removed!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I have been reading a lot on the improving board and the advice to the right here like you suggested. I think its all very helpful and it did improve our relationship for a while. The problem is I cant keep up. I feel like I have to be perfect all the time and if I slip up everything goes crazy. I am also getting fleas I think. Last night was terrible, it was a fight so bad that Im pretty sure its impossible to recover from and I ended up being the worse of the two of us. I did and said things I have never in my life before. I dont like who I am becoming in this relationship and so I really think the only way is out. Its going to be somewhat hard, but the truth is the silent treatments Ive been getting from him lately have in many ways prepared me for a final ending in that Im simply just not used to having him around as much anymore. Its somewhat ironic I guess, a part of me wonders how he would feel knowing that but its no good to think about it. I still think there is a lovely and lovable person in there somewhere but I just cant handle this. He wont believe it because Ive been going back and forth while trying to decide. But my gut feeling tells me things will fizzle and hopefully we can be good neighbors to each other. I might need a bigger fence!