In search of answers

[Jimeny Cricket]

Hello,
I am not sure whether or not my adult daughter has bpd or not as she has not been formally diagnosed. However, I’ve been in Counceling for the past year (just one of many times) because of the turbulent, conflict ridden relationship I have with my adult daughter, who will be 37 this year in May. My counselor feels that I might benefit from reading others posts and sharing my experience in order to gain a better understanding of what she feels I am probably dealing with in order to cut through the confusion. Currently I am being given the silent treatment as a result of being blamed for an argument between she and her brother, which I had nothing to do with. I’ve been in shock that I’ve landed here yet again for something I didn’t do. It’s been a month. This time last year the silence lasted  3 months. She is the eldest of 3 and my only daughter. Although I
am the one to have always come to her rescue, nothing I do is
ever enough to earn her respect, understanding or empathy.  I am her emotional punching bag. If I try to present a perspective that differs from hers, I’m accused of gaslighting her, and she hates that (her words). I am the one to blame in just about any scenario and she is always the victim. She has been verbally abusive and threatens our relationship whenever we disagree-jumping to conclusions, mind reading, judge, jury and executioner. She ticks most of the boxes for bpd-and I am not the only one she has struggled to maintain a relationship with. She’s been on the “outs” at one time or another with every family member and her friends. However, from what I’ve read, bpd seems to cycle fairly rapidly whereas her anger episodes can last months-she really holds onto a grudge. She rarely, if ever is wrong and apologizes, she simply gets over it. The running “joke” in the family has been “if she isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” and she laughs about it. We’ve all grown accustomed to walking on eggshells. She was told by a councilor once that they suspected she has adult adhd and recommended she see a Psychiatrist to get an evaluation, but she doesn’t have insurance (by choice) so she’s determined that she does, in fact, have it and that’s that. I’ve read that both bipolar disorder and bpd frequently co-occur alongside adhd-I’m just confused as to which one I am dealing with and how best to handle my relationship with her moving forward. Since she was a teenager she was very sensitive and reactionary emotionally and had difficulty controlling her anger, but I thought she was just a hormonal teenager. She was always the first to lash out and desire to punish or get even. She will never take hearing from me that I suspect a mental health disorder well.  What can I do to help her or at the very least avoid triggering her? Thanks in advance for “listening “ and sharing your thoughts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

Hi JC. Everyone here can relate to your situation. There are some common threads that everyone shares and others just don't "get" because they've never been hit by it. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm not the best person here for giving advice, I'm always here to find some, and yes, to vent. Like you, I'm constantly being told I'm "gaslighting". It's so frustrating when the only response someone has when faced with objective facts is to say you are gaslighting them. It's enough to drive you crazy. It's never explaining how what you said that's wrong, or how they see it differently...... it's "gaslighting"! My daughter doesn't want to face her diagnosis even though it was a long time coming and many a therapist, doctor etc. tried to steer her in the right direction over the past 6 years in effort to avoid it, with no cooperation. Unlike your daughter, mine (19) was totally normal by everyone's account until she hit puberty/middle school.....and that's when things went totally off the rails. Has your daughter ever been evaluated or gone into therapy of any kind? Just wondering if any mental health professionals have ever been involved and have indicated that theres a "problem" since she wouldn't take it well hearing it from you.

[Jimeny Cricket]

Hi! And many thanks for your reply. My daughter had been in Counceling for a short time when I was divorcing her father. The Therapist attributed her behavior to depression and she was put on an antidepressant at 17. Within a month of taking it she found herself pregnant. She had been on birth control. She’s a great Mom. Seems to have all the patience in the world with her kids. It seems the closer we get the more she targets me. She’s gone thru a divorce this past year-so a lot of stress and anxiety, uncertainty. I’ve always been there for her but I can never do it “right”. I’m aware kids are often hardest on their mom but the emotional stress is really starting to wear me down. I’m 67. My boys say she’s just manipulative and selfish…